Inspire Conference 2008 - Part I

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm in Orlando Thursday through Saturday for the Inspire Conference. It's being held at the Florida Mall Hotel and Conference Center - one of the greatest places in the world to stay and shop!

Many awesome women of God are gathered here for these three days to seek the Lord and rest, renew, and grow in all areas of their life.

The conference host, Pastor Sandy Phinazee asked me to speak again this year on marriage. I spoke last year and she said so many lives were changed through it they asked me to come and do the same this year.

Women come to this conference from other places besides Florida. Just this morning I met a sweet older woman from Birmingham, AL who came and fell into my arms crying after my message and said, "thank you, thank you...you'll never know what a God-send this has been..." We sold out of my "Above Average Woman" books already. One lady came racing over to the product table and said to another lady who had just bought the last copy, "I keep that book by my bed every night and read it over and over..." I started tearing up when she said that. It's AMAZING TO ME...simply amazing what GOD has done. Yesterday a young lady who has been married just a few years (but had been having some problems) came running up and said, "do you remember me from last year?!!" I said she looked familiar and she said, "My marriage has been healed and turned around since last year...I'm the one who wrote you an email from last year's conference and told you how I was changed..." It's stuff like this that makes it all worthwhile. PRAISE THE LORD!!!

I spoke last year on being the "Irresistible Wife" and "10 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Hot, Hot, Hot" and so this year I spoke on "10 Lies Women Believe About Marriage." This is the topic Pastor Lisa Alexander brought me to her church in Houston, TX to speak on, and it went so well I decided upon the leading of the Lord to speak on this at Inspire '08 as well, although I did tweak the message somewhat since the TX trip to reflect some new things I've studied and learned. I thought I would share with my readers the outline of my message. I will do it in two parts since it would be rather long to put all ten points here. I'll post the other half tomorrow. When they release the CD's from Inspire I'll do a podcast and make it available on line. Here we go:

1. Women believe the lie: "I don’t feel anything for my husband right now, and my marriage is so far gone, I won’t ever again. It's time to give up."

85% of people get divorced for “non-severe” reasons. Surveys have shown that divorce does not make most people happy.

The first thing you need to do if you are here this weekend and you have been contemplating divorce is discover first of all if you have Biblical grounds. Most people do not. (Read Matthew 19, Mark 10)

If you do not have a Biblical reason, then you need to work it out. But you say, “I’m miserable…” If you have a Biblical reason that is one thing – but if not, work it out. The Bible says God hates divorce. Why does he hate it? It hurts his kids. First of all, you are still one of "his kids" no matter how old you are - second most of you have kids and I can tell you from experience - it hurts them.

Some of you here today are divorced and you did not ask for it. Someone cheated on you, beat you or walked out on you. I realize you did not deserve this and certainly our heart goes out to you. It's not you that I'm speaking about today. Today I am addressing those 85% of people who have absolutely no biblical grounds for divorce but do it anyway or are thinking about doing it anyway. Also I am addressing those who initiated divorce, not those who were victims. If you are a victim I believe God wants to bring you His healing today and restore all the devil tried to steal from you.

Christians (especially Pentecostals) want to act on FEELINGS all the time but honestly we Christians need to ACT OUR WAY INTO A FEELING! Act on facts of God's Word – feelings will come eventually.

Many times people give unBiblical excuses about why they are divorcing and when they talk it's all about WHAT THEY FEEL, not all about what GOD SAYS. The fact is, some people will believe whatever they want to believe even with the facts of God's Word right in front of them.

Most of the time to succeed in your marriage or anything in life, it’s just about doing the right thing long enough.

A study was done of people who were very unhappy in their marriage yet chose to stick it out no matter what. The majority of those people 5 years later were very happy. Every marriage has seasons. Don't leave just because you are in a down season. And yes, sometimes seasons can last for years.

Act on the facts of God’s Word. His Word says plenty about how to treat your spouse. The Word tells you how to act from day to day. If you do the right thing for long enough, it will catch up with you!!!

Some of you might think this is easy for me to say. But believe me I've gone through difficult seasons in my marriage where it was not always as happy as it is now. I knew that I would never choose divorce because seen the first hand the pain it causes. Billy Graham's wife was asked, "Have you ever considered divorce?" She said, "divorce no, murder yes." I will be honest, I ruled out murder because I didn't wait to go to jail. LOL However there were times I said, "Lord, I'm not divorcing him, nor will I kill him, however I will ask you to take me to heaven now to get me out of this." He chose not to. God chose to ask ME to change. Here are the facts my friends...marriage is an everyday exercise in getting over yourself. It’s an everyday exercise in getting beyond your selfishness.

2. Some women believe, “being a wife is well and fine, but you know the first thing God called us women to do is be mothers.”

Believe it or not, the first thing that God called you to in scripture was not motherhood. Most people quickly say, “being a mother is the highest calling.” That sounds good, and even as much as I love being a mother, I have to admit, it doesn’t come first according to the Word of God.
The first thing God said when he created the first woman is that she was made as a helpmate to her husband. He didn’t say, “And behold…I have created a mother.” He said: “…"It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18 Motherhood came along later, after the call of helpmate was proclaimed.

Many women spend time serving their children and training their husbands instead of training their children and serving their husbands! Married women are so busy with other things in their lives, including their children – they forget their first calling, and that is – being a wife. A wife is called by God as a helpmate to her husband. Many women spend time turning the channel from Dora the Explorer to SpongeBob Squarepants to running to get extra sippy cups of juice and meanwhile neglect the man God has given them day after day. You do have to take care of your children's needs -- but remember, their needs, not all their wants or extras before you take care of the man God gave you.

Before you became a mother – you were a wife (or at least hopefully that was the order things were in…) There is a divine order of things. Your marriage relationship is priority over other relationships in your life. The most important thing to your children is that their parents get along and stay together. The worst thing that hurts your children is when your marriage falls apart – so don’t let it. Too many Christian women have used marriage as a vehicle to get to their main goal – motherhood, and this is wrong. Men shouldn’t feel placed to the side when their kids come along.

3) Many women believe: “The most important thing for me as a woman and a wife is to just serve everyone else first and put myself last.”

The best thing you can give your marriage partner and your kids is a healthy, fully focused, emotionally and spiritually healthy YOU. Make an effort to stay sharp – spiritually, emotionally & physically.

SELF LEADERSHIP is very important – spend 50% of your time leading yourself. Many of us try to lead our children, people in our workplace, our church and community and we can't even lead ourselves. You can’t lead anyone else or really benefit anyone else in life unless you are leading yourself first.

Matthew 22:36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

The problem is many women do not love themselves. We will neglect ourselves all the day long and allow other people to mistreat us.

One of the best things you can do for your marriage is – love and respect yourself. If you don’t, no one else will.

DON’T BREAK SELF PROMISES!

YOU TEACH OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU.

3. Some women believe: “If I keep telling my husband everything that is wrong with him, soon he’ll get it through his head and begin to change.”

Generally this will just make him worse. People generally do not respond to rejection or criticism.

What do most people respond well to? Praise.

Praise your way to a great marriage.

Philippians 4:8,9 which says, “And now dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Hebrews 10:24,25 tells us that as Christians we are to “stimulate one another to love and good deeds.” I Thessalonians 5:11 tells us to “encourage one another and build one another up.”

Proverbs 18:21 says, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.”

Proverbs 14:1, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”

Most people on the planet respond well to PRAISE. Catch them doing things right and give them kudos. Especially in front of others.

Realize, marriage has never been 50/50…you cannot base your marriage on percentages. There are times my marriage has been 70/30 or 80/20...sometimes 0/100. That's not a reason to bail out.

4. Many women believe the lie that others have a perfect marriage with absolutely no problems. They fall into the comparison trap which is nothing but a lie and then leave their spouse in search for something they think will be better.

Everybody has "stuff." As Hannah Montana says, "Nobody's perfect, I gotta work it!" You gotta work it, ladies. Quit comparing. Yes, you can have a good marriage, even a great marriage. But a perfect one? No one is perfect this side of heaven.

I have a friend who many think has the perfect marriage. Her husband puts his arm around her in church, whispers in her ear and they whisper things to each other and giggle. They serve in their church and honestly they are wonderful people. Many times I've heard women in their church say, "If I could just have a marriage like that..." Little do they know, my friend has put up with the fact for many years that her husband has a pornography problem. She has been to hell and back and many marriage counselors and life has not been easy. But no one in their church knows that. All they see is what is on the outside. Many ladies comment, "if only my husband could be like hers." Some have considered divorce wanting something they perceive to be better. Remember, what God's Word says in II Corinthians 10:12 “We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.”

Everybody’s got their “stuff” – so don’t get caught in the trap of believing that somebody else has the perfect marriage. Be happy with what you have - and again, use that "Hannah Montana theology"..."nobody's perfect, I gotta work it!" Work it, work it!

5. Many women believe the lie: "I don’t know that I can ever forgive my husband. Too much has happened."

Larry and I have had some big arguments and most of them we don't remember years down the road. What does the Word of God say?

"Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3:12-14

Life is too short to stay in petty arguments that you won’t even remember one day. One day you will be beside your husband’s bedside saying your last words, or him with you – and you won’t even remember these arguments…but you will wish for just a few more moments together. Keep in mind, in most marriages people are not fighting over Biblical reasons for divorce such as adultery. Most people are fighting over much smaller, very re-solveable issues.
Many people think, “We’re fighting all the time, it’s just easier to move on.”

Statistics tell us that the more times a person is married, the less likely it is to work out.
90% of all third marriages end in divorce. Keep in mind as well that even when you have a Biblical reason GOD CAN STILL HEAL!!!

Many choose to stay even when they have a Biblical reason to let go. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t make them right, but it sets you free!

Tomorrow I will post the second half of my outline of my message. Keep in mind this is just the outline - I give lots of illustrations and practical everyday life examples which is why it's great to hear the podcast when I post it...

Looking forward to a great service tonight...the worship team is so anointed, and the speaker team as well. Here are the speakers for the weekend ~ (l-r, Pastor Sheri Hawley, Pastor Missy Monokian, Pastor Sandy Phinazee, me, and Pastor Jennifer Lee.)

Luck, or positioning? (UPDATED!!!)

Pastor Craig Sloan, (Pastor Tara's husband) has a great blog called "Positioned for Greatness." I want to share for a minute today about being positioned.

I have had people say to me before, "you're so lucky" about certain things in my life. I've been told I'm lucky to have the husband I have. No, I'm not. He's great, but it has nothing to do with luck. I don't believe in luck.

I do believe in divine appointment but also in WISDOM. I didn't just pick him out and go, eenie, meenie, miney moe, catch a husband by his toe... (if he hollers let him go, ha ha!) Um, no...this was a serious decision made with prayerful consideration. You know how the pastor gets up in front of the congregation at a wedding and gives the typical "speech" before the vows and says, "marriage is not something to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly..."? Well, guess what -- I didn't enter into it unadvisedly or lightly, so there's no luck about the matter. Some things, such as choosing a marriage partner, or how you raise your children,or serving God's church can't be left to matters of "luck." I have had countless women who have husbands who are losers boo-hoo to me at an altar in church and say how lucky I am to be married to mine. And I think to myself, "you CHOSE your husband. You MADE THE DECISION TO date an unbeliever or someone who was not spiritually strong, then you MADE A DECISION to become engaged to him, then you CHOSE to marry him, and now you want to call me lucky? Please, there is no luck in the matter, only wisdom and the taking advantage of divine appointment. One must make calculated decisions to hopefully arrive at the destination you desire. You must be positioned for greatness.

I always tell our people at Northside that they need to get in position. If you want blessing, you have to get lined up for it. Let's talk about men again for a minute. Ladies, if you are not married, realize this - you can't be with Mr. Right if you are currently with Mr. Wrong. Mr. Divine Appointment is not going to give you a second look if you are still on Mr. Loser Man's arm. So get with God's program and quit wasting your time on a man who is not worth your time!! Pastor Lisa Alexander often says, "No man is better than a piece of a man." I love that. Some of you just want a man so bad you will settle for anything in a pair of dockers. Please listen to me. No man at all is better than a spiritually unqualified man. Wait for God's best. Don't make a bad decision because you are lonely and longing to get married and then cry about how all your friends are so lucky for God's blessings upon their lives.

If you want to be closer to God you position yourself by spending time with Him in reading His Word, prayer, and worship. You also position yourself by being around others who will encourage you in your faith. Some people think they are going to drop into the house of God whenever they feel like it, on a hit and miss basis, and be blessed. That's not how it works. The Bible says those who are PLANTED IN THE COURTS OF THE LORD WILL FLOURISH.

Parents will allow their kids to drop out of youth services because "they don't feel like going" or "they'd rather play baseball on that night" but then want to rush them to the youth pastor for counseling a year or two later when they find a bottle of alcohol in their closet or they find out they slept with their boyfriend or girlfriend.

Lack of proper positioning is one of people's biggest problems today. Believers want to go to the beach two out of four Sundays a month instead of going to church and then wonder why their family is not blessed. The same people will say, "but we were spending FAMILY TIME." And they just don't "get" why this will not yield a blessing ultimately for their family". (Until it's too late in some cases, unfortunately.)

Your son or daughter can be filled with the Holy Ghost riding the waves at Cocoa beach, but there's probably a greater chance of that happening if you have them in the house of the Lord. Priorities are a big part of positioning. I am finding today more than ever, people need to have this explained. Because they are thinking the are going to position themselves and their family in some other way and still be blessed.

By the way, my kids are normal (well sorta LOL) and they skate, surf, and all just like the rest. But the point is, there are seven days in the week to do things. And on the Lord's day, we give Him honor. On youth group night, being in that service comes first unless there would be very extenuating circumstances. Before you e-mail me and say, "yeah, but you can do all this and your kids can still turn out wrong..." here is my response to that. Would you rather have your kids turn out wrong and have a lot of regrets because you know in your heart you did not put them in the proper position to succeed? Or would you rather have kids who turned out wrong BUT you have no regrets because you honestly did everything God expected you to do for them to walk in the right path? Yes, kids will sometimes still do what they are going to do regardless -- they have a free will BUT -- believe me it's much better if they do to be able to say that you lived such a life as a mother where you put them in proper position. If they choose wrong, your kids will also one day have to look back and say, "my mother/father put me in the proper environment, however I simply chose to disobey." I always tell our people, if you want your family to be blessed, you've got to "get under the spout where the glory's coming out!" Hint: that is not in front of your television watching TV during church on Wednesday nights, or sitting on the beach on a Sunday morning unless your church happens to be having a service there.

There is positioning in marriage. Many women also think they can become mothers and basically neglect their husband's needs for the years while they are raising their kids (many spiritualize it even - saying the kids have become their "first calling now" - never mind that you can't find that in scripture) and then they wonder why their husbands get into some trouble of some sort and they get into a marriage crisis. Again, it's about positioning. You have to position your marriage for greatness too. The call to be a wife comes before the call to be a mother. In Genesis 2:18 God declared our role of helpmate before he ever spoke of our call to motherhood. I would think most people will agree with me that you are supposed to become a wife before you become a mother. (Unless you are a unique case like Michele Danielson where you are a single, unmarried woman who has been directed by God to adopt a child.) So excepting unique cases like this you become a wife first. And you must be true to your call to marriage and keep it first even after you have children, positioning your marriage relationship for blessing.

Why do so many believers think they will move ahead in their life without doing it by the book? Victory does not just fall on you. It doesn't just happen. Victory is not a reward, it's a result.

Nothing in my life is a result of luck. Grace? Absolutely. Divine appointment? Absolutely. Luck? No.

Thankfully you do not have to rely on luck in order to have a blessed life either. All you have to do to have a blessed life is position yourself for it. God is so good to set it up for us that way! So take advantage of it!

p.s. Keep me in prayer. I'm packing my bag and leaving in just a little bit to go to Orlando to speak at Inspire. Teeb is going with me. It's such a beautiful hotel and they provide wonderful accomodations for me, and I like spending the time with him there in between the services and at night. There are also some ladies from Northside attending as well. Pray for us for safe travel and a blessed conference! Great things are in store.

A word of knowledge and wisdom through two unsaved women in a nail shop

Today I have my monthly appointment with my dear friend and hairdresser, Ada Alfonso (pictured here with me) at Continental Hair. She's going to give me fresh highlights and make me feel beautiful as I prepare to go and speak at the Inspire Conference in Orlando Thurs-Sat.

I promised yesterday that I would share the "divine appointment" of how I started going to my hairdresser. I also told you it was a testimony that might set some of you free! Sit back, get a cup of coffee, listen, learn and be blessed.

When I came to Tampa, I was having my hair done by someone, we'll call her "Linda" at a place we'll call "Hair Connection" (both made up names for the sake of her anonymity). Linda was a Christian, even attended our church at one time, but was very critical, and therefore - draining. She had a negative word to say about church stuff and people and seemed to always see the glass half empty. Everytime I'd leave Hair Connection I had a headache, I was so tired of listening to her. But I felt like for some reason I should stay. Like many people dealing with such a person, I felt I was one of "the only ones" in her life who would be there to listen, so I did.

At the time I believed maybe God would use me to be an agent of change in her life...maybe I could make a difference. She would make critical remarks and I would try to come back with patient, positive answers. I tried not to be exasperated and just come back with a steady gentle dose of God's Word or nice words about others. I learned a big lesson that seldom do or our actions change such people who have this problem. We are better off removing ourself from critical people but I was naive about this at the time and thought, "if I stay and be a force for good, maybe she'll see the light and change".

I kept going to Linda every month as my hairdresser and each time I'd leave feeling horrible. This went on for at least a year and a half or so. My hair looked pretty good but my spirit was DOWN.

If I said, "did you hear, so and so got saved?" she'd say, "Hmmmm...wonder how long that will last?"

If I said, "so and so is pregnant and we're so excited!" she say, "Don't you think she has enough kids already? And the ones she has just run around the church out of control..."

If I said, "So and so sang a solo at church last week and it was incredible" she'd say, "yeah, she has a good voice but her skirts are always too short."

If I said, "Linda, we had an awesome service Sunday and seven people were saved!" she'd say, "yeah, but I heard the Smiths left the church..."

I mean, really it was THAT bad. She was like "Debbie Downer" from Saturday Night Live with a good dose of a religious and critical spirit thrown in. Always a negative comeback. But still I stayed thinking I was going to be the Christian that was going to be part of her breakthrough. Dumb, dumb, dumb. She was Debbie Downer, I was Dumb Deanna. (LOL)

SoI kept going to Linda even though I walked out of the Hair Connection each time feeling like my head would explode from all her critical words. I stayed and believed things would change and maybe I'd make a difference.

Meanwhile I was noticing my friend Lisa's hair. I had been noticing her hair for a long time. She has fantastic color and style. I knew she got her hair done by a woman named Ada and she was crazy about her. She said, "really, you need to have Ada do your hair at least once." I hesitated because I felt like to do so would be giving up and maybe God didn't want me to give up -- Linda might change.

Lisa encouraged me...even said, "I will give you a gift certificate to go to Ada if that's what it takes to get you away from Linda, and get you to try Ada!!" Still I hesitated. I even called Ada once to set an appointment, left a message on her machine, then chickened out. I know....crazy.

I told Lisa I'd pray about it.

And I really did.

This was a big deal to me because I don't like "giving up on people" and have always been one of those people who believes in "hanging on for your breakthrough." But I've learned on some things, God wants us to break away, not necessarily break through. For some of us, our breakthrough IS in breaking away. I prayed about it and each month would still make my appointment with Linda wondering with angst if I really should have. Meanwhile God was trying to give me a nudge out of there, but I was too naive to see it. Or maybe I was too proud. I have to be honest, I thought, "Linda might change, and I'd be a part of that change in her life."

Well, my close friend Lisa would ask me, "what are you waiting for? It's time you get out of there and start going somewhere else to get your hair done!!!" I guess I was waiting for God to send a lightening bolt as a sign. He never sent a bolt of lightening but He finally did send two unsaved ladies to give me a word of knowledge and wisdom vicariously in a nail shop.

I was sitting in my nail salon getting a fill and my manicurist was working on me and for a few moments I was just sitting in silence listening to everything around me. Two ladies I have never seen before were at two other tables, having their nails done. Through some of their converstion I gathered that it was quite probable both were unsaved. They were friends, chatting back and forth during their manicures. Sitting there silently listening while my manicurist filed and drilled away, I heard the following conversation between the two women:

"Hey, are you still going to Linda, down at the Hair Connection?"

"Oh no! Are you kidding? I stopped going there months ago!"

"Really? So did I!"

"You're kidding!!! Why did you stop?"

"I left her and went to another hairdresser because each time she did my hair I left with such a headache from all that negativity I just couldn't take it anymore...I had to get out for my own mental health..."

Instantly God intervened on the conversation and spoke to me loud and clear and said, "WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED, DEANNA? GET OUT!!!"

Those two unsaved ladies basically delivered a word of knowledge and wisdom to me! I walked out of the nail shop, called Ada for an appointment and the rest is history. My friend Lisa actually did end up giving me a gift certificate. She was so pleased I was finally making this switch, she and Bernie treated me to my very first appointment with Ada. I'll be ever grateful. Not only did I gain a hairdresser, I gained one of my very best friends. I have gone to Ada for over three years now. Ada is one of the most incredible things to ever happen to me!!! Not only does my hair look great (complete strangers stop me and ask about my hair) but when I leave her shop, I feel spiritually on top of the world. God didn't just give me a hairdresser - he gave me a kindred spirit, and a phenomenal friend. To read more about this precious gift in my life, click here.

Maybe you have been waiting for a very contentious or critical person in your life to change. Realize, they seldom change, at least because of anything another person does. Only God can change such a person - it won't be you. Only God can change a "Debbie Downer" or a "Linda". By staying around them you are not helping them, you are only hurting yourself. Realize that contention and dissension is listed in the Bible as one of the “seven things that God hates.” (dissention or contention among the brethren) If God hates it, why do we make ourselves subject to it? And particularly if someone like this is in the church, the Bible gives very specific instructions-- Titus 3:10 says: "Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him."

In my case, I didn't warn once or twice. I just hung around for a year and a half waiting for someone to change who only God could change.

Sometimes your breakthrough comes through breaking AWAY.

With our friends

at the St. Pete Pier yesterday...

Yep, I took Savanna out of school to spend the day with us. Sometimes ya gotta let the kids play hooky on special occasions. :-) And besides that, it WAS educational! (She and Jordan Tunzi toured the aquarium there...)

Before anyone wonders why the boys weren't there;

1) Jordan has missed too many days (which I haven't been happy with him about) and though he wanted to go, it was not wise.

2) Dustin had college and couldn't afford to miss.

3) Savanna hasn't really missed any school up til' now.

By the way, do you notice how tall my "baby" is getting? She's almost as tall as me!!! And almost up to her Daddy's shoulder! And she's only 10. Would you believe she wears my shoe size and we share some of the same clothes, shoes and jewelry? AMAZING.

One day she came to me and said, "Mom, I'll stop eating my vegetables." I said, "honey, why would you want to do that?" She said, "you said you were having a hard time seeing me grow." (LOL)

Bustin' through a pile of work

Today I got Savanna off to school and started working like there was no tomorrow, busting through my work while drinking a steady amount of hot tea.

Tuesday is my day to work at home on church work. I always hate it when people say, "oh, Tuesday's your day to have off at home?" No, I'm not off. On the contrary, it's my hardest working day usually. I take it at home because if I am at church everyday I am too distracted by everything around me and it is difficult especially to "create". I get the bulk of my work done this day because I have no walk ins, phone calls, interruptions, or sounds around me. I work in the quiet at home and it is my main day to get anything that involves writing done. As I have to speak at the Inspire Conference this weekend, I really need to get everything done by tomorrow that can possibly be done before I leave. Today was crucial. I've gotten almost everything wrapped up by working at a steady clip.

Tonight there is a tornado warning and I wasn't able to go outside to walk. We've had a quiet night at home. We ate a chicken dinner and Bobby joined us and now the kids are watching TV and I'm wrapping up my last work things before spending some time with the Teeb and the fam. I think we'll have some cookies and watch American Idol before I hit the sack.

I did take a lunch break to meet today with Sue Flint, our Aprile's Hope ministry director. (This is our ministry/support group at Northside for victims of domestic violence and also those experiencing significant loss.) What a great job she does. This is a post in itself. The Lord brought us together in a powerful partnership. She ministers in a wonderfully effective way to the ladies and is someone I can entrust them with fully. The ministry is growing and we have great plans for the future! We had lunch together at Weck's, which is one of my favorite places to have lunch. If you are ever in Land O' Lakes, FL be sure to stop by Weck's Deli and tell them Pastor Deanna sent you. :-) Have a chicken salad sandwich and some pesto pasta pea salad! One of my other favorites is their cream of mushroom soup but they only have it on certain days.

Today I stopped and talked with John, the owner. He used to be the receptionist at a hair salon I went to before I met Ada and she started being my hairdresser. Evidently after I left the hair salon he worked at, he left as well and started Wecks. I have eaten in there quite a few times but he has never recognized me in the restaurant before -- he's also always been busy working very hard behind the counter and at the same time I've just been busy talking since I'm always with friends there, and so I never went up to him behind the counter and said anything. But today I took the time and went over to talk to him. He said, "oh my, I do recognize you!! But I have to admit I did not before because you look so different...have you lost a great deal of weight?" I said, "yes, I did..." and he said, "you look fantastic!" I said, "thanks! I do need to get my roots done tomorrow (LOL) with my current hairdresser but I appreciate your compliment!!!" I always liked John - he was always so pleasant and accomodating.

Leaving my former hairdresser, who I'll call "Linda" and going to Ada is a "divine appointment" story in itself as well as a testimony. It's a story I believe will speak to some of you and maybe even set you free. And it's a story I'm going to tell you...tomorrow. So stay tuned.

Frozen Grand Central

This is one of the coolest things you've ever seen. These people (207 of them, I think) got together and decided to go places together and "freeze" on cue for five minutes. They did it in Grand Central Station on this video. Watch it, it's so funny. Anybody wanna join me? Let's get a bunch of people together and go do this at Clearwater Beach or Raymond James Stadium or at least the mall...c'mon, who's up for it? That would be SO funny.

The "I am Special" Revelation

1 Corinthians 4:1-2, "Let a man so consider us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover it is required in stewards that one be found faithful."

How many of you leaders out there have somebody cancel on you for something...

or not show up...

or be late constantly...

and you think, "...why do people do that?"
"and if they do why don't they at least call to warn you?..."
"How do they live so last minute?"
"How do they hold down a job?"

and then you think, "I don't do that...I've never done that..."

And you start getting irritated and mulling over in your mind the reasons why people do those things and how you would have to have to be on your death bed or at least have a heart attack before you did that. Well, I found myself sliding into that thought pattern I've had so often, on Sunday. And as quick as I began to digress into that line of thinking, the Lord said to me, "but you are special."

Huh?

To whom much is given, much is required. People live at different levels, depending upon the commitment to faithfulness and excellence one is willing to make.

I have list of faults a mile long, but by golly, I'm as faithful as the day is long. If I'm not where I say I'm going to be when I say I'm going to be, giving 100% to whatever it is we're doing, call 9-1-1, because something is really wrong. You need to be ALARMED.

So on Sunday, God as my witness, when I started to get a little irritated around the edges over a few people not doing things exactly as they were supposed to, I heard the voice of God in my head say, "but you are special..." and I said, "what do you mean, Lord?" And He said back to me, you were chosen as a steward and have been faithful to your tasks, so therefore I keep giving you more, but some people will never know that in their lives." 1 Corinthians 4:1-2, "Let a man so consider us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Moreover it is required in stewards that one be found faithful."

God reminded me - everyone has a calling to faithfulness and excellence but all do not necessarily fulfill that call. Neither do they receive some of the blessings that that others do who are faithful. Although I realize there is nothing we are ever given in life without the grace and mercy of God, I do also believe that how much we receive often depends on our faithfulness to the Lord and to others. As Pastor Craig Sloan says, they must be "positioned for greatness." Positioning yourself involves many things but I would say at the top of the list would be faithfulness, dedication and a passion for excellence. One must make calculated decisions to arrive at the destination you desire. You must be positioned for greatness.

I've heard it said, "always do your best ~ then let God do the rest." Please note, there's a huge "rest" that you and I could never accomplish on our own, yet we must do our BEST! (or why in the world should God do the rest if he knows we don't care enough to do our best?) The point is, some people don't care much about doing their best. But some do. And those who do, I believe are special people.

Take for instance, the fact that sometimes church members move away. They get transferred. If you are the pastor saying goodbye to an excellent church member, it's so depressing. If you are the pastor getting a great church member who is transferring you are doing the happy dance. Usually when one of these "gems" or "winners" as my hubby calls them, comes to your church and decide to make it "home' you get a call or letter from their former pastor saying, "hey, just want to give you a heads up, these folks are SPECIAL." And you make a note of that. When Alex and Aida Rivera came to our church, we got letters from not only their pastor but some other ministry leaders from their former place in New Jersey saying, "hey...just to let you know you are getting a great blessing...these folks are SPECIAL!!!" Well, Larry and I didn't fall off the ministry turnip truck yesterday. We knew right away we had a great blessing and the Riveras were able to become leaders at our church very quickly based upon their former years of dedication, faithfulness and excellence at their church in NJ. Bro. Alex has absolutely turned our Royal Ranger ministry around and it the gift we prayed for for years.

These type of "special people" get God's attention but they also get their leader's attention. I believe as we do our best, God shows up on the scene and blesses us. I Chronicles 16:9 tell us that He's always looking for those whose hearts are fully toward Him (faithful) and that he will strongly support and endorse those individuals. I don't know about you, but I want that more than anything!

Florence Littauer has a book, It Takes So Little To Be Above Average. I believe this is true (it does take so little) because most people do the bare minimum or less! Therefore when we rise up to go the extra mile, to do just a little more than the rest, to be ultra faithful and dependable, we stand out and shine like stars in a dark sky. Just this week somebody in my Sunday School class, Bill Letaw, was telling our class how true this is - that he's seen it manifested in his work situation. Most of his peers at his company only want to do just what is asked of them, no more. He said when he goes just a little beyond, he stands out incredibly in his boss's eyes. It's a principle well worth remembering.

There are great blessings in serving with faithfulness, dedication and excellence. 1 Corinthians 15:58 says, "Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord." I want to be "always abounding". I know that my labor is never in vain. Never, because God sees it and keeps score.

I love how Hebrews 6:10 & 11 puts it: God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. 11We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure."

Today as we were walking around the shops in St. Pete, I saw a t-shirt that was hot pink and it said, "Jesus loves you...but I'm His favorite." I laughed so hard. You know, I really do believe that faithful people are God's favorite, or at least He does seem to greatly bless them.

Yes, I am special. And if you are serving the Lord with all your might and you sometimes get discouraged by some unfaithfulness in others, or lack of excellence, just say to yourself, right now, "yes, but you are special." Realize, they may choose to do that and get to lay around more or sleep in another day but you are in line for promotion and favor. So rejoice my friend. The Bible says that David ENCOURAGED HIMSELF IN THE LORD. Sometimes you and I have to do the same thing. If you are a pastor or pastor's wife reading this and you are going through this, or you are a hard working Sunday School director whose teachers are late all the time, or you are a choir director trying to corral a bunch of stray choir members and you are discouraged right now because somebody was late, didn't show up, didn't call, quit or whatever, just back up from your computer chair right now, and say it out loud...YEAH, BUT I'M SPECIAL!!!"

The bottom line is, God loves everybody, Jesus died for everybody. You can't do anything to earn their love and it is unconditional and everlasting. But "rewards" and 'blessings"? They aren't just doled out upon the masses for just anything. They come in greater degree to those who are faithful and serve with excellence.

Next time you get a little chapped when a slacker does something, just smile real big and think to yourself, "OKAY SO THEY DID THAT, BUT I AM SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or if you really need a boost, run outside by yourself, jump up and down and holler it a few times.

Took the day off today...

I'm sitting out on my patio blogging tonight for the first time in eons. I just haven't been out here for so long by myself, and I miss it. So here I am on my swing, to give update on today's happenings.

We took off work today and went with our friends for their final day here, to St. Petersburg. (Just a hop, skip and jump over from Tampa.) We went to the shops at the Pier and ate at a place there high up overlooking the water.

We had a good time of fun, food and conversation but they had to leave around 4 pm because their plane took off at 6:00 tonight. We will miss them... but plans are to come back sooner rather than later. Being that Vito does various real estate and construction things down here he comes on business sometimes and we get a chance to meet up.

Here are some more pictures of our time together. First, one of Savanna with my friends, Cherie and Cathy - in front of our house. Second, a photo of Savanna with Vito and Cherie's son Jordan, in our jacuzzi. Cherie has more photos that she needs to send me and then I'll hopefully post some more.

My house is so quiet tonight it's unbelievable. All the kids are tired and laying down...

Family ~ Friends ~ Food ~ FANTASTIC!

Today was a good day in the house at Northside - everything went pretty smoothly (I had a few things to tweak here and there but for the most part it went smoothly.) With the few things that didn't go as smooth, I got a revelation from God on it and it was suddenly all good! It's amazing what a Word from God will do for you. I'll share it sometime soon in a blog, more than likely. The revelation is one I'm calling the "I am special" revelation and so be looking for a possible blog post on this from me soon.

In addition to our friends from Maryland being here with us, the highlight of my day was having Bobby walk in the doors right before Sunday School. He has now quit his job that had him working Sundays. Yee ha!!!! He wanted to surprise us with this today. I have always known, if we could just get Bobby to have Sundays off and be at church on a regular basis, it will create not only a huge change in HIS life, but the lives of everyone around him. Talk about a kid with an absolute ton of potential... really he has the ability to be a serious history maker. I believe huge things are in store for him.

When I saw Bobby come in I freaked out with happiness. He said he is so happy that with the resignation of his job he can be at church each week from now on. I told him I'd do whatever I could do to personally help him get a job where he doesn't work on Sundays. I advised him as I have so many others that it's so important to set the standard up front with a potential employer that you WILL NOT work until after 1 pm on Sundays and that you will be a dedicated hardworking employee, however church attendance it the priority, no ifs, ands, or buts! So he asked me, "Momma Shrodes, are we doing anything special for lunch today?" I said, "just meeting at the house and there's a place always set for you, of course..." He beamed as usual.

At the close of service he met me in the hospitality room and said, "I just feel so good...just being here makes me feel so different." Today Larry preached once again about the family, and he shared some stories about Dustin and how he prayed the prayer of salvation with him when he was just 2 years old and he's stayed true to God all this time. Of course Bobby is one of Dustin's best friends, knows how he lives and he spends a significant amount of time in our home.

Bobby has been raised by a wonderful single father who took care of him after his mother left the family, got a divorce and moved to California when he was just a little boy. One of the reasons I am so close to Bobby is because for all intents and purposes, I'm the "up close" Mom he's never had. He comes to the house often not just to spend the night or eat here, but to just drop by and show me his new car, his prom pictures, or discuss whatever in his life is on his mind as a mother would talk to a son. You can read the story here of him getting saved this past Easter. Up to the point he met Dustin and he started seeing what true Christians are really all about, Bobby was an atheist/agnostic. Many people wonder why so many kids today are espousing these views and my personal opinion is - they have gone through so much hurt and pain in their upbringing that they wonder, "how can God be real if he allowed this or that to happen to me?" These kid are so fractured they can't imagine there's a God. Contagious Christians need to come along and give them hope. We need to be "Jesus with skin on" and show them the love of the Father, through our loving example.

After talking to me in the hospitality room, Bobby went and found Larry out in the sanctuary and talked to him and he said, "Papa Shrodes, you'll never know how much this service meant to me today." and Lar said, "really Bobby, what specifically impacted you?" and he said, "Well, everything your family has is what I want. As you know I haven't been raised like this in a Christian home with a Mom and Dad and a relationship like you have with your kids and it's what I want so much for my own life. The thing is, I see your family up close from being at the house all the time and I see that what you are telling these people on Sunday is truly what you are living with your family at home. That's the kind of life I want. And I'm going to make sure I learn all I can to make that happen..."

When Larry told me that in the car I just wept. I mean, I knew in my heart it's how Bobby felt all along but just to hear him express it, it's just beyond words.

He came home with us today as did Casey and then our friends from Maryland so we had a real full house for Sunday dinner and luckily I had a mountain of food - two roasts, 10 lbs. of mashed potatoes, a huge bowl of corn, ceasar salad again, my homemade biscuits, etc.

We had a great time together sharing at lunch time and then Savanna was making jewelry with a few of our guests and Larry sat down to watch sports for a few minutes and I went over in the lazyboy chair and laid down with him and went to sleep for what ended up to be a few hours. Do you know what it's like to shut your eyes to rest for a few minutes and open them up hours later, not realizing just how much you needed the res? I felt so terrible to go to sleep with guests here but I was just so exhausted I couldn't help it. Thankfully they are true friends who understand! They were just making themselves at home having a good ol' time. Making jewelry, watching TV, sitting out on the patio, getting in the jacuzzi, walking around the neighborhood to work some of that dinner off.

A few hours later I woke up and they were wanting to go to supper. By this time so much time had passed, it was 7 pm! I really did sleep forever without intending to. Larry called Bonefish and got a table reservation and we all went there for a late supper. If you've never been to Bonefish, it's one of the best places in my opinion, for seafood, and I love their crab chowder.

We sat and talked for a few hours with our friends and it was so nice just to be together...and enjoy a relaxed dinner with some calamari and mussels, and much more. I think most Marylanders consider good seafood and good conversation a pretty much unbeatable combination!

I want to post some pictures tomorrow of our day today. I didn't take any - I was too busy, but Cherie and Vito took a bunch so I'll get them off of her camera tomorrow and try to post some.

Family, friends, food, good conversation...nothing better.

House guests, house photos and the ministry of bread

Today we started our day by getting the finishing touches of cleaning done on our home and going to pick up our friends at the airport. We have friends/members from our former church in Maryland, Vito and Cherie Tunzi, and their son Jordan, and Drew and Cathy Gertz, here with us for the weekend. It's so wonderful having them here! The best part of all is we have TWO MORE DAYS together! Yeah! This is Drew and Cathy's first time to see us since we've been in Florida but Vito and Cherie have been here several times. We always have an amazing time. To say I enjoy hosting people in my home is the understatement. I am positively crazy about it!

We picked the Tunzi's up from the airport and it was lunchtime and we went right to LaTerasita and had lunch. I consider this the best Cuban place in Tampa and it's also the most economical. The lamb stew was so good today it was amazing. I have heard that when Jennifer Lopez comes to Tampa she eats at LaTerasita. I believe it! I love their food, all of it. The best cafe con leche for sure!

The Gertz's arrived a little while later and we went to our house and we spent the day/evening together here and had dinner at our house. We sat out on the patio for a few hours and talked, grilled steaks and I made Ceasar salad (my recipe...everyone loves it!), baked potatoes, corn, Cuban bread and a "MRSA" cake.

Just what is a "MRSA cake you might ask?" Well, MRSA is a staph infection that will kill you. (LOL) So, why in the world have I named a cake after it you might ask? Well, when Dustin had MRSA and was hospitalized last year and then came home to recooperate, we were ordered by the doctors to give him soft foods for quite a while. He ate mashed potatoes, macaroni, etc. constantly and we made huge pots of it for not only him but his friends. He had a constant stream of visitors coming in and out of here and we always feed whoever's here. He also loves chocolate cake with chocolate icing. I was trying to make as many variety of things as possible and things he liked since being sick was definitely not fun for him. I made one of these chocolate layer cakes practically every day when he was sick. When I didn't make them, his friend Jasmine made one that was equally as delicious. And the kids devoured it. Since I made them continuously at the time, I sort of dubbed them MRSA cakes! :-) We had this delicious treat tonight with ice cream and Kenya tea, (GRIN) another love of mine. I save the Kenya tea bags for when I have guests in or when I am feeling particularly achy in my heart for Africa. When I'm really missing my Kenya friends a lot I brew a cup of tea in their honor. And of course I pray for them.

We've washed up the ton of china from tonight's dinner, (it never all fits in the dishwasher) and gotten both tables re-set with china for tomorrow afternoon's dinner which will also include Casey. Cathy and Cherie said, "my word, how much china DO you have?" I have a weakness for dishes, I'll be honest... I love them.

To be exact, I have four sets of dishes and just gave one away today, proceeds to go to the children's ministries if indeed they sold it at their garage sale. Today was a busy day at Northside, between our children's ministries fundraiser and the homeless ministry we do feeding and clothing countless numbers of people in Tampa.

I thought I would post some photos I just took around my house today for you to see. I periodically post some so you can see where I live. Soon I'm going to take photos of my route when I walk. I am in a perfect neighborhood for walking -- it's absolutely beautiful...I'll show you soon. Every time I walk I say to myself, "why don't I do this seven days a week? I live in unbelievably beautiful surroundings!" But life takes over and I don't always like I should. I am commiting to do better.

Tomorrow I will take and post some photos of our friends who are visiting. Oh how I do love to have people visit! Did I already say that? Hospitality is one of my main gifts that I so enjoy flowing in. I love having people in, cooking, and doing for others.

I have tomorrow's dinner on already. I made the kid's favorite -- my "no fail" roast beef recipe. It cooks all night. You would not believe how incredible this roast beef and gravy is unless you tried it yourself. My kids don't like to eat it anywhere else, they are spoiled.

So the roast beef is cooking already and I also made my biscuit dough for tomorrow. That's another family & neighborhood favorite. I am trying to win my neighbors to the Lord through a ministry of bread. One of our neighboring families has always seemed very closed to the gospel. But they are really nice people. It has been my custom since living here in our current house (3 years) to split the bread when I make it and give half of it to them fresh out of the oven. I do this to reach out to them. When I make my homemade yeast rolls and bread or biscuits I just make a basket for them and have the kids take it over. I do this usually a few times a month. They love it and it although they have never taken up my invitation to come to church yet, or hear more about the Lord, I believe one day they will.

At least if nothing else, they will have met at least one Christian family that has reached out to them in love and have a good experience with. I want them to think of Christians and smile, and want to know more about us and the God we serve. Perhaps I will be the seed, or the person watering them so that someone else -- another Christian -- can meet them and reel them in for their "harvest." Some plant, some water, some see the increase. I don't care which one I am with them, I just want to be a "link in their chain" -- I think Andy Stanley made that phrase famous, not sure who did but I think it was him. Anyway, I'm a link in my neighbor's chain to come to Christ, at least that is what I am praying...and believing.

I envision them one day coming to Jesus and looking back and saying, "we used to think Christians were out of touch freaks, but then one day Deanna started bringing us that bread..."

I love going to the dentist!!!!!!

Stay tuned to find out just WHY I love going...

Well, I do brush my teeth but I still got into this fix. At least it's over. My three hour ordeal of getting my tooth done is complete. Halleluiah. I feel so much better now. I have a temporary crown and in two weeks they put the permanent one on which is painless and only take a few seconds.

Although I brush my teeth a lot I did miss my six month cleaning with all else going on and it caught up with me. Other than that I've been really good at 2 checkups a year but I still seem to have a lot of cavities since I moved to FL. So, I made a decision today. I'm getting four cleanings a year. My insurance pays for two, and even though I'll pay for the other 2 out of pocket it will be worth it, especially since they are only going to charge me $22 for them. I asked today and my dentist has a policy that if you have insurance and you get additional procedures they don't cover - they only charge you what they would have charged you had the insurance company denied a claim! Pretty cool huh? So I'll get a $90 cleaning, but only pay $22. Awesome! I think if I go every 3 months it will keep me cavity free and I won't find myself in this painful position again not to mention shelling out all this money for a crown. I think that's wisdom...no pun intended. :-)

I don't like going to the dentist as far as getting my teeth worked on, however I LOVE GOING TO THE DENTIST!!! So much I can't believe I missed my check up last time, but other stuff in life sorta took over. But anyway, the people at my dentist office ROCK. I had the privilege a few years ago of developing a relationship with the office manager and leading her to the Lord. She's just a young woman in her 20's and her name is Lia. We are still good friends today and just remarked that the next time I come in we'll have to schedule my appointment around lunch time so we can go together and spend some time with each other. She just brought up today about the wonder of God putting people in your life for a reason and now asked me to pray for someone who God has now put in her life to minister to. God is good. Really folks, THIS is what it's about.

If you never figured it out about me yet, I have a passion of reaching people for the Lord, and pretty much an almost aversion to religious pharisaical types. :-) Religious people can sometimes drive me crazy. My passion is to reach the lost and mentor them and this is something that is my priority over anything else. I've found through the years that generally people who are also doing that are pretty well consumed with it and have little time for the pettiness that some so called Christians get wrapped up in. I'm so glad years ago I made a decision to make this my focus. Lia (office manager) is one person I'm getting to take to heaven with me as a result.

I referred earlier to Pastor Craig Sloan's excellent post from today. Craig and Tara have both been incredible life-speakers to me over the years and during a difficult time in my life years ago it was Craig's preaching tapes that lifted me to a new level in God. They both have such good insight, and specifically here's some of what he had to say today:

"What amazes me the most is that people who are critical spend all their time criticizing you, when in reality they envy what you got. They will criticize you over your new blessing until you leave it, and then they will come right behind you and scoop it up. Don’t allow their negative spirit to distract you from what is yours. Your blessing is your blessing, it doesn’t belong to anyone else, but when you focus on the critics you forfeit what is yours. Let them talk; it just reveals that they are so consumed with your life, that they don’t have a life. I want to close with one statement to all those critics, doubters, naysayers, and hateful people who are so focused on our failure, GET A LIFEI

My blessing is indeed my blessing, Pastor Craig. Thank you for those life giving words today. You have reminded me that people like Lia the office manager are (in addition to my children) my spiritual harvest and there are many in addition to them.

I've heard people get mad at their critics before and say things like, "Yeah, I'd like to line 'em up and shoot 'em." No, not me. No shooting necessary, not to mention it's not Biblical. Here's what I'd like to do. I'd just like to ask critics, "please give me a list of everyone you've personally led to the Lord and discipled in this past year" and ask them to line them up for me. No, don't give me someone your pastor gave you to go pray with at the altar. No, not someone you went behind and laid a hand on at heaven's gates hells flames while the evangelist prayed. I want a LIST...an actual LIST of the people you've found and personally led to Jesus and then discipled in the past year.

Hmmmmmmm.........

I always tell our Northside people, "if you're too busy rowing the boat, you don't have time to rock it."

It really IS all about gettin' a life, isn't it? In my opinion there really is no life without leading people to the Lord and discipling them.

I'm so glad I don't pastor a religious church. Can I get an amen up in the house?

"Get a life"!

Pastor Craig Sloan (Pastor Tara's husband) has a fantastic writing at his blog today. It goes along with some of my theme from the past week and I so enjoyed it. Check it out.

I'm getting ready in a few minutes to go get the work done on my tooth. I'm looking forward to this as much as getting a hole in the head. Oh yeah, that's right...I do have a hole in my head...that's the problem... (LOL) Thanks for your prayers, those of you who read this in time. It's very untimely as I have 4,629,603 things to do before our friends get here from Maryland in the morning. But it was the time slot the dentist had open to get all this done today, which will take several hours.

Toodles.

About speckchasers

This post is dedicated to all my friends in ministry who may be feeling opposed in some way. God has given me a word for you today. Get ready. I'm feeling a passion in my spirit about this and I may just have a halleluiah breakdown before this post is over.

I had a stack of phone calls to return today and finally got around to making one to a pastor's wife friend of mine who shall be unnamed for her own privacy. (Since I talk to umpteen pastor's wives in a week's time you'd never figure it out!) When I returned her call she commented about my ezine and blog this week. She said one line stood out to her more than any other and it was in my writing on criticism when I said, "It’s amazing to me how many people criticize others whose own lives are a mess." She said, "Deanna, we've been under a lot of attack here and you are so right, I never stopped to think about it til' you said it but it's amazing that every single person who is attacking my husband and I have lives that are a mess!!!"

This principle is so true. Watch and you'll see exactly what I mean if you haven't already.

If you are on the move for God...
if you have forsaken the pull of mediocrity...
if you absolutely ooze with creativity and you aren't content for the same old same old...
if you are charting new territory for God ...

usually the person rising up to criticize you has made a serious mess of themselves or their family in some way!

There are exceptions but more often than not, this is the case. Why? A tension of sorts exists in their lives because of decisions/mistakes they have made, or things done to them which they haven't handled well, and instead of taking it to Jesus or simply putting energies into making their own life better, you are the punching bag they have found to take it out on. Realize this - you aren't the issue. They are wrestling with themselves.

It's always best to focus on what God has called you to do and don't enter the wrestling match. A friend of mine recently gave me some advice. She said, "don't wrestle with a pig, Deanna. You just get dirty, and the pig likes it." (I almost fell off my chair laughing on that one.)

I find that the more God does in my life...the more He blesses me for my obedience, the more He enlarges my territory, the more He prospers my marriage and my children, the more His creativity flows through my veins, the more people who had made a mess of their lives in some way really don't like it. If you're a mover and shaker I'm sure you've experienced this. If you are not content with status quo, others who are okay with it will try to bring you to whatever level they've decided to stay at. If you have obeyed God in the hard times, and now you've prospered, those who didn't obey God and faced the ramifications will want to try to steal your victory.

Remember my friends, the road to the next level is always...UPHILL. Everybody's not willing to take that uphill road. Some people want to sit in their spiritual la-zy-boy chair. Then they want to criticize those people who took the uphill road and are reaping the benefits.

Let's talk about how this relates to spiritual warfare for a moment. Satan is the father of lies, and he comes only to steal, kill and destroy. We often forget we are in a battle. It's war out there. So what happens?

Somebody tells a lie about us. Okay, so what's surprising? Are we surprised when a liar lies? We shouldn't be.

Someone tries to steal the joy of how God has blessed us. Are we surprised when a thief tries to steal? We shouldn't be!

Someone tries to kill our dreams, our reputation, our joy, our destiny. Of course they can't - but they try. Are we surprised when a killer tries to kill? We shouldn't be.

Someone tries to destroy the anointing of God that is working through us. They try to destroy the momentum of God working in and through our life. They try to destroy the call of God upon our lives. They criticize our creativity when the biggest thing they've created is one big fat mess after another. But try as they may they can't destroy the work of God in your life or even tarnish it, yet still they try like a rat that keeps going back for cheese in the same trap. Are we surprised when a destroyer tries to destroy? We shouldn't be!

Why are we so surprised when the enemy just fills his job description and does it well? Does it feel like we're in a battle? Well, that's because we are. The Christian life is not a playground. It's a battlefield.

Does it feel like your commitment to the call of God upon your life and following the purpose He has given you is being opposed? THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS.

Pastor Tara said something to me today to ponder and I just love it. She said, "Deanna, ministry is whenever you make someone's life better."

A lot of you are out there making people's lives better. Yes, we do it by leading people to Jesus at altars, and laying hands on people and seeing them delivered. But we also do it just as much by stopping to give a hug in the hallway, giving our wisdom to someone having a marriage problem, or writing an article or blog post that changes a life in some way. We do it by resolutely declaring what God has spoken in His Word. We do it when we open up His Word and get fresh revelations and insight and we are not afraid to boldly declare it. My Lord, I'm about to run around my room right now, somebody help me...........!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch out for the speckchashers! This is why Larry calls them. Speckchasers are after God's movers and shakers like white on rice. Speckchasers are those who want to call you on the carpet for something they see in your life (a speck in the eye) when there's a huge plank in theirs! Again, speckchasers have various areas of their life that are just one big honkin' mess and then they try to put your speck on display.

Refuse to go there.

Time is of the essence, and remember, you're ministering to people who are actually wanting to receive it. You're making a difference in somebody's life. So get back to it and stop being surprised when the enemy is just being his same sorry self.

Every pastor needs to be aware of this... The danger of life on the fringe

Larry preached a message on Sunday about parenting as a part of our February family series, and he shared a mind-blowing statistic with our church. I want to share it with everyone I can, particularly other pastors because their people need to know this information.

This particular statistic that Larry shared came from the resource, "Preaching Today", and a message called "Introducing Your Child to Christ."

An elder statesman of the Christian church devoted himself to a fifty-year study of Christian and non-Christian families. He says that in American culture today, most young adults following Jesus Christ either come from non-Christian homes where they were converted to Christ in their teenage years through a dynamic youth ministry, or they come from homes where they grew up in love with Jesus because Mom and Dad were so radically in love with Jesus. These "radically in love with Jesus" families were extremely involved in the Kingdom of God on a consistent basis and not casual at all in their relationship with God or their church attendance and involvements. The researcher found that very, very few Christians come from homes where there was a kind of indifferent, apathetic commitment to Christ or His church.

This means that those parents who are casual in their commitment to Christ and not really involved in the church are in great danger when it comes to their kids serving God when they become adults. This means with a few exceptions, the kids raised by those who are casual church attenders (on the fringe) will more than likely fall away. In this case it's definitely not "a little dab'll do ya". Statistics show that the chances are better for your child follow Christ as adults if they were raised by complete unbelievers than to be raised by those who are apathetic or not very involved. That's pretty eye opening! I think part of the reason is because kids are so attuned to what their parents do and even Jesus said it's better to be hot or cold than lukewarm. Apparently most kids who have lukewarm parents end up spitting out Christianity and leaving it once they are adults. I guess we should not be shocked, however seeing it proven in a 50 year study was extremely sobering to me.

I am not sure where this statistic came from but there was also one about parents "dropping off" kids for church and it was said that the kids return rate as adults was not very high on that either because of obvious reasons. (Example is everything.)

I'm sure many might say, "well, God can do miracles." Some people may believe they can be a fringer and their kids will turn out okay because the Lord will step in and do a miracle at some point. Well, yes, He can and He does at times. But are you willing to take that chance when heaven and hell is at stake? God uses us in cooperation with His plan. And despite many miracles that God has done, it appears statistics tell us millions of kids -- the majority - who are raised like this are falling away.

Larry recently heard another statistic -- that 80% of kids in the church are falling away from God once they turn 18 and leave home. He says he personally thinks this statistic corresponds with the old one that says that 20% of the people do 80% of the work. He thinks the 20% that are staying with Christianity after turning 18 are most often your kids whose parents were the 20% doing the work of the Lord and setting the proper example.

These statistics and research results should concern the beegeebies out of those on the fringe.

A few people who made my day the past few days

Just want to share a few with you...

My friend, Joy Conley (pastor's wife, Harvest A/G Lakeland) What a JOY she is, in my life and so many others...she literally lives up to her name. We met she and Keith for dinner Monday night and like every other time (except that one where we stayed til 1 in the morning or somethin' like that) it felt way too short. I am so grateful for their friendship and support. (These pics are of Joy and I when we were both speaking at the All Church Ministries Conference and then having coffee after...)

Susan, Susan, Susan.

She always just seems to "know." Not only does the woman show up early to set up whatever I need but on certain days she has something special for me that just makes my day. She's a "noticer." Tonight she met me in the choir room before service and had a box for me...you guessed it...a watch. Amazingly last night I forgot mine (I never do that, not sure why I did) but she had a beautiful new one for me. She's personally responsible for my watch collection. She always has the ability to make me feel so special and the best thing she gives is her encouragement. If I ever doubt I'm making any kind of difference in the world, Susan is a second behind me to tell me just how I am. Not a week goes by when she doesn't tell me and usually several times a week. Thank you, Susie Q. (SMILE) You fill my bucket back up when other people drain it out sometimes and you can't fathom what it's meant to me. (Only Pastor Larry and the Lord realize how much.)

Pastor T. Always a joy to work with. He makes me laugh and I so desperately need to laugh and I love to laugh as loud and hard as possible. I have learned in ministry if you don't laugh, you're dead in the water. Usually I'm singing the praises of Misty, first lady of JAM children's ministries, and I probably don't give Pastor T kudos enough (it's so easy for that to happen when you have a perfect wife - GRIN!)Yesterday I gave T a video clip to work with on an announcement and he took it and made such a masterpiece with it. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. We'll unveil it this Sunday in our service. I love his passion for multi media and we had a good brainstorming session today (he, Pastor and I) on our new Sunday morning preaching series which is going to ROCK. I am so excited about this I could come unglued. Can't wait to tell you about it but it'll have to wait til' we unveil the video trailer this weekend at our service. I'll just give you a little bitty clue...this morning Larry comes into my office and says, "I can't believe I'm suggesting this, but this needs to be our next series in March..." and then I went a little B-O-N-K-E-R-S. The Lord led us away from our original plan for March to this one. Pastor Andrea, this would be YOUR favorite series too. Just a hint: "CBE." It's gonna be good, folks...

Speaking of Pastor Andrea, you are another person I appreciate so much and am grateful Jesus brought us together, my "CBE" friend. You bring sunshine to my day and are a "kindred spirit" in ministry that few are blessed to find. I enjoy your insights so much. Thanks for being someone to bounce this partnership stuff off of when other people are lookin' at us like we've stepped off a UFO or something at times. ** sigh ** You are a great "understander." I love you!

Cathy & Tom... (I know you read my blog everyday so you'll see this...) thanks for a great evening the other night. (Those who are new blog readers - Cathy is the assistant to the senior pastors (us!) at our church, she also does a zillion ministries besides that, and Tom is her husband - also the head usher and works with Larry in men's ministries. I rarely say thanks when we go anywhere or do anything because being together as staff, church members, friends, it just sort of all runs together and most days it just feels like "life together" and nothing earthshatteringly special or unique. I've got to stop doing that because truly it is special. Thanks for meeting up with us spontaneously and laughing over our cheap burgers. Today I thought, "Wow, how blessed we are to have staff/members/friends like you who are so likeminded...so caring and fun..." to have. Sometimes it takes something to reveal to you that it's just not like that everywhere, know what I mean? Well, we're blessed. So blessed. And I'm reminded of how blessed. Thank you for who you are... and remember WHATEVER YOU DO, don't preach from II Glasses... (LOL)

Pastor Tara. You had the word of the Lord for me today. Thank you. You are one of the most anointed women in the world and I'm so blessed to call you my personal friend. God knew what he was doing when he put us together in relationship... how long has it been now, probably at least 10 years ago? Maybe more. Time flies when you're under the anointing. :-) The best is yet to come.

It goes without saying that Teeb is the best husband ever. That man is the jelly on my biscuit and the gravy on my mashed potatoes!

Alrighty, I'm goin' in the family room to watch American Idol (tivo'd) with the fam. Snugglin' with Jordy on the couch...one of my fav things to do. Gonna be super busy the next few days as I have bunch of people coming in from Baltimore. Can't wait! Life is special, life is sweet.

Get rid of these off the wall songs! Take 'em down!

Well, I won't exactly say it as eloquently as Perry Noble, but here are my thoughts on criticism that I shared with our Northside women today in my weekly "cup of coffee" devotional ezine. I thought I'd share it here with my readers, too:

A former president of Yale said: "If this man is elected we shall surely see our wives and daughters reduced to prostitutes, sobriety dishonored, and decency in our land will become an outcast!"

Who is this being said of? Barack Obama? John McCain?

No, try Thomas Jefferson! Can you believe that?

The day after Lincoln’s Gettysburg address, a reporter wrote: "The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat, and dish-watery utterance of a man who has to be pointed out to intelligent foreigners as President of the United States."

Sometimes criticism can indeed be so unwarranted. I’ve been told that with the customer comment cards at Disney they supposedly keep all the ones that are positive and the negative ones they don’t even read and throw away. Their mentality is, what they are doing right they want to focus on and keep doing all the more, not focus on the negative things people have to say.

I believe we have to resolutely focus on what God has called us to and set ourselves forward to do it come what may. As we do, it will not always be easy. Someone once said, “the greater the light, the more the bugs.” As for me I choose to focus. Mike Murdock says the reason most people fail is broken focus. Philippians 3:12-14 says: “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Did you ever notice how a critic is one who points out how imperfectly other people do what the critic does not do at all? Mark Twain once said, “One mustn’t criticize other people on grounds where they can’t stand perpendicular themselves.” It’s amazing to me how many people criticize others whose own lives are a mess. What do you do? Keep focus.

There are a few ways to handle criticism when it comes your way especially for following what God’s Word tells you to do or what you know He has spoken to you .

1) Expect criticism.
2) Forget it.
3) Let it go.

If you expect to do anything significant in this life you will have a lot of people nipping at your heels or yapping at you. It’s just a fact. Winston Churchill once said, “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing and be nothing.”

As most of you know I’m a huge Amy Grant fan. Have been since I was 13 and I have every album she’s ever made and know all the songs by heart. One of her older songs that many might not know is, “Got to let it go.” I have it on my MP3 player and often walk to it at the end of the day, especially if I’ve endured anybody yapping at me that day. As I’m walking along I listen to her sing,

“and I’ve got to let it go…
holdin’ on just brings me worry…
got to let it go…
come and take it from me hurry…
got to let it go, oh I’ve got to let it go…”

and then I do.

By the time I get home and am done walking I've usually let it all go and resolved to keep going with whatever God has spoken to my heart.

I’ll never forget when I started out pastoring 20 years ago and the first Sunday we stopped singing from books in the pews and put words to songs on an overhead projector, so we would be free to clap our hands, raise them, and worship the Lord freely. The closing prayer had barely been over and the amen said, and a woman came up to me at the end of service and nearly lost her temper declaring, “I DON’T LIKE THESE OFF THE WALL SONGS! TAKE ‘EM DOWN!” She was so upset. She actually took a spiritual affront to the fact that we were using an overhead and saw this as an issue of right and wrong.

I went home that Sunday and just said to myself, “got to let it go…oh I’ve got to let it go…” and just quietly put the songs back up on the projector the next week and went on despite her coming to church every week looking more like she had been baptized in prune juice than in water. Nowadays this complaint would seen as Neanderthal and quite honestly completely ridiculous to 99% of the church population. But at the time a few people agreed with her and it seemed like a bigger deal. It was hard knowing those few, but staunch critics were out there every Sunday. I just quietly kept going about my job and did what the Lord was leading me to do. So did many thousands of other music ministers. The rest is history.

Realize when we criticize someone, it says absolutely nothing about that person. It just says something about our own need to be critical. Malcolm X once said, “if you’ve got no critics, you’ve got no success!”

Excellent teaching on Criticism

My friend Pastor Leanne posted this today on her Myspace blog and I thought it was excellent and so timely. It's a blog post from Pastor Perry Noble, about criticism. I think it's perfect for the pastors at Relevant Church right now, as well as any other person going through this.

I would like to note that when he says, "when God begins to move" it wouldn't necessarily just pertain to your church but to your life, your family, your marriage, anything that concerns you. I have found that the greater God does things in my life and the more He blessed me the more I should expect it. This teaching is good, so good I was almost wavin' a hanky in my office. Okay, here we go...

You Will Be Criticized When God Begins To Move–Expect It And Get Over It.

(Pastor Perry Noble at http://www.perrynoble.com/)

I've never met a devil worshiper–to my knowledge that is. When I first became a Christian I was convinced that I needed to do all that I could to be ready to combat the evil forces of darkness that were and are associated with the occult, so I read and studied and prepared and…and…and…nothing.

Now, looking back over the past 18 years of ministry I have realized something - although I've never met a devil worshiper…I have seen hundreds and thousands who serve him faithfully under the disguise of religion.

The first mistake I made was not understanding where criticism comes from. Paul plainly says in Ephesians 6:12 that our struggle is not against flesh and blood (or bloggers) but against the evil one.

I really hate to make it this simple…but if God IS moving in your church or ministry, if people ARE meeting Christ, if people are taking next steps by being baptized and then those same people are joining together to reach other people for Christ then let me ask a simple question - WHO WOULD WANT TO TEAR SOMETHING LIKE THAT APART? (Hmmmm….)
If it's a move of God then why would God move someone to attack it? (Jesus was actually accused of being demon possessed and the work He was doing was attacked by…uh…yep, the religious. See Matthew 12:22-30)

I've heard other well meaning pastors say that they try to learn from their critics. If that is their approach then I say "go for it;" however, I ignore them. I have no desire to try and learn ANYTHING from them. Some call that arrogant–I call it focus! Several reasons why…

1 - Who Is Saying It - The overwhelming majority of criticism I have faced has came from people who send anonymous e-mails OR ones from fake accounts. (The internet truly is a place for cowards!) SO…they aren't even willing to own up to what they are trying to say!

2 - Critics Are Not Normal People - Seriously, if you have someone who checks out your website daily just to see what "you got wrong" (which is pride I think) AND they go to your churches website, listen to your sermons and then critiques them on-line…uh…seriously, who in the heck has time for that? Is that normal? Isn't that a little on the unhealthy side of obsessive compulsive? I don't know about you–but I just don't have time for that!

I would say to a man who is doing that to repent of your heterosexual man crush and get obsessed with Jesus and your wife…OR to a woman I would say show Jesus and your husband the attention that you show me…I think everyone would be much happier!!!

3 - The Way They Say Things - You can tell by the way they word their attacks if it was motivated out of a love for God and others…or if insecurity and a "desire to be right" (pride) has caused the words to fly.

4 - Their Blind Spots - A critic doesn't know you, they don't see you on a daily basis, therefore there is zero accountability in regards to what they say about you. They don't know your heart, your passion, what keeps you up at night. They don't know your battles and personal struggles. They don't see you as a person but rather a personality. I heard TD Jakes say recently that when people see you as a personality and not a person then they have no problem saying horrible things about you.

I wasted time with critics–seriously. I let them take me from my family and my ministry many times, and I lost sleep over some of the things they've said. BUT…I've not looked at a "critical website" in nearly a year and I just don't respond to negative press–I am passionately obsessed with people who need Jesus and not the "expert" in the stands who refuses to put down his soda and peanuts and get in the game!

Some may ask, "But Pastor P…do you just fly by the seat of your pants and not listen to anyone?" I will address that in my next post on "What I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me." (The short answer is HECK NO!!! If it were not for the people around me I would have made some really bad decisions!!!)

Video of Pastors of Relevant Church on CBS Morning Show

Here it is! I think they did a great job. May God be glorified and couples marriages strengthened by their example.

For some reason I can't put the video here on the screen so just click the link here and it will take you to the clip from the CBS morning show.

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=3850924n

Why we don't have "THE TALK" in our house...

I'm really blessed to have kids who are absolutely committed to purity. My son Dustin is especially vocal and outspoken about it. At any given time you can check out his Myspace or Facebook (which he updates all the time so there's never any guarantee of what's there) however most times he has a bold statement on there saying:

"I'm a virgin!"
"I'm waiting until marriage!"
and other things such as... "I have never smoked a cigarette nor tasted alcohol!"

He's very proud of this as well he should be.

If there's one thing I strongly believe, it's that you don't raise kids like this by accident. Yes, kids DO have a free will, and yes at times they will exercise that will despite what you have taught them as a parent. It's true, sometimes "kids do the darndest things"! At the same time, I know there are things you can do that will definitely put the odds in your favor that they will make the right decisions.

I made a few decisions regarding my children that I will never regret. Yes I realize they aren't perfect kids. And yes I realize they still have some growing up to do, and of course they will make mistakes. But so far the way I'm raising them is working out pretty well for me. And three things Larry and I feel strongly about I'm going to discuss with you today. First, I never never, never make them feel punished for coming and asking me something.

This was one of those "how I learned what not to do" from my upbringing. When I was a young child, if I heard something I didn't understand or something was a controversial subject (such as sex) and I went to my parents and said, "what does this word mean?" they would usually respond with a very stern: "WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?" If I said, "Over at Susie's house..." or "on TV" then what swiftly happened was that I never went to Susie's house again, or I was never allowed to watch that TV show again, and the subject dropped. The "source" of info was suddenly the problem. I remember the fact that the subject of my question seemed a moot point but the main thing suddenly became getting me away from whatever I was hearing. This is not so uncommon among many Christian parents.

Now, I realize my parents were just trying their best and doing what they knew how to do at the time. Before I get any comments about me being hard on my parents, let me say I don't say this as a statement of blame, simply sharing my experience. First, I realize nobody gets an instruction manual on what to do when you have kids, that is...until Focus on the Family started publishing books. (GRIN) Second, I realize parenting is the hardest job on earth. And yes, I know it was their way of protecting me and I know they did that out of love, not wanting to harm me. Third, I'm a firm believer in learning from every experience both good and bad. But my point is simply this - it didn't work. Because what that taught me at a very young age was this... (these were my thoughts)

"You can't tell Mom and Dad anything.
You will immediately be punished for asking a question.
You will lose your friends.
You might not get to watch TV again.
You might have to change schools. (I didn't want to - I loved school.)
If people say words you don't understand, just keep them a secret
at least until you figure out what it is some other way...
or find out from somebody else."

I determined number one, I would never take this route when I became a parent. Sometimes being a parent is scary, however you cannot parent out of fear. If your kids fear your reactions they will not tell you anything, until it's too late and they are already in a mess.

Second, I determined I would not just sit down and have "the talk" one time with my kids. "The talk" is when you buy the book on sex that you get from a reputable Christian bookstore and sit down and go through it and nervously read everything and then say..."do you have any questions?" and pray they don't. Many if not most parents tend to do this. But no, I decided that wasn't for me either as a parent and Larry was thankfully 100% in agreement on that. So, back in 1989 we set about having kids ourselves and doing it they way we felt God leading us to do.

First, our kids can tell us anything without fear or retribution. And I do mean anything. They do not have to worry that they are going to be punished or that their lives are instantly and drastically going to change because they just opened their mouths. If they ask me a question I am not going to click off the remote on the TV and say, "there, that's that." You might say, "well then how do you protect them?" Good question. I know you are wondering...if the kids come home and ask about something very controversial they heard from a friend, do I just let them go to their house, spend the night, go places with them, etc. when they have questionable values?" No. The answer is that we have chosen to make our home a place where all their friends can come - saved or unsaved, churched or unchurched - whether they believe in our values or not, the key is, they are in our home where I can keep a watchful eye on things. I believe a big key when your children are growing up is to make your house the center of activity for them and their friends.

Regarding questionable things that they may hear in any form of media - rather than try to keep them away from all media (how impossible in today's society anyway) I choose to let it be a springboard for discussion. Example...yesterday all of a sudden I turned around and heard a song coming off of the computer about a girl only after a guy's money. Jordan had clicked somebody's Myspace page and it was on. I said, "hey, let's talk about that for a minute... kind of things is a Godly woman looking for versus a worldly woman?" and we had nice mother-son conversation about it. I would have never had that conversation with him had I just heard the music and shouted at him to click it off.

Larry and I are firm believers in making our house "the house all the kids want to come to". At any given time our house has at least three to four extra kids besides ours, hanging out, spending the night, sometimes for days at a time. Larry teases several of them that he needs their social security number to start claiming them on our taxes because for all intents and purposes we basically take care of them and feed them constantly. Many of my children's friends have gotten saved and started coming to church and it all started first not by coming to church but by being at our house all the time. I always advise parents, "make your house the fun house" - the place all the kids want to hang out. I want them all here so I can know what's going on. Does this require time? Extra money? Yes. I've spend thousands in pizza money. But it's worth it.

Second, we have never had "the talk" with our kids. Instead each and every day is an ongoing talk.

When we first had kids I remember listening to a Christian counselor on the radio who said, "when is a child old enough to get answers about sex? When they ask them." Some disagree and say, "well some just aren't old enough and that's that" but I believe you can share the truth with them in an age appropriate way. You must start the converstion early -- for their protection -- especially in this day and age. It doesn't matter whether they are public schooled, Christian schooled or homeschooled - kids are going to hear stuff. For that matter, in this day and age they will hear it before they even start school. I always wanted to be the first to share with my children and give them my perspective, which is from the Word of God.

We have been teaching and training our kids about this since they were just little. Most of our instruction happened not opening a book nervously on the sofa and proceeding with fear and trembling, but instead in casual conversation around the dinner table. Most days my children would come home with a story from school. When they were just in elementary school, Dustin would come home and tell me about a kid in his class with behavior problems who banged his head on the floor. So we'd talk about why that might be for a few moments and then he'd say, "Mom, another boy in my class has parents who are getting divorced..." so we'd talk about divorce for a few minutes and what God says in His word about it. I'd not only tell him what God thinks about divorce but then we'd pray for the kid whose parent was going through the divorce. Since they were just little we've talked about drugs, alcohol and smoking. The conversation over the days to come would roll around to, "Dad or Mom, a girl in my class said someone she knows has herpes. What is herpes?" So we would talk about it. We would cover what it is, how a person gets it, etc. One night I really wanted to kids to SEE the effects of sin and know just why they should stay away from it. When the conversation came up, I pulled some photos off the internet of people suffering from venereal diseases and showed them honestly what to expect if they veer from God's plan for their lives. At our dinnertable we have talked about everything from STD's to pregnancy, to AIDS, to abortion, to oral sex, to sexual abuse to YOU NAME IT. There is nothing off limits for the kids to ask us about and we answer it based upon the Word of God. And they do not have to fear us punishing them, or taking any swift action to make them drop friends from their life or click off any TV show or song that has a controversial subject. I think many parents tell their kids, "you can tell me ANYTHING" but - DO THEY REALLY MEAN IT?

Our method of an open environment of sharing has brought about positive results even to this day. Though our son is 18 and knows all the "facts of life" most nights he comes in our room, plops himself down on our bed and shares his day with us. These days he's not asking us definitions of things or questions because he knows the answers about most of it, but sometimes the conversation goes something like this:

"Man, I'm telling you, Charlie (not real name) is headed in the wrong direction, Mom. I've tried talking to him but the dude just won't hear it..."

"Oh really Dust, what's going on?"

"Well, even though he knows better he's having sex with his girlfriend... and I'm trying to help him see the truth about it and change his mind...

and then we sit there and talk about it and I'm amazed at the wise counsel my son gives his friends even when they don't take it - I am proud of him for His stand for what's right and His boldness to share it.

I've heard many Christian and non-Christian psychologists alike lately saying you should not have "the talk" with your kids but rather a series of on-going talks. And that's exactly what we've done in our household for 18 years. A series of ongoing talks, open-ended talks, has proven very helpful for us.

The third thing we've done that I don't regret is that we have made a big deal of what our kids have to look forward to if they do things GOD'S WAY. Some people just tell their kids, "Don't have sex before marriage. It's wrong and...

it's a sin...
it does nothing but hurt you...
you'll go to hell...
you'll get a disease...
you'll regret it forever... and all that stuff.

While yes it is wrong, it is a sin, it does hurt you, you can go to hell if you are unrepentent, you might get a disease, you will regret it -- I believe this is not the only thing we should focus on. While it's important that they know those things, we also need to be teaching them about GOD'S GIFT. The Bible says all good gifts come from God the father above. Sex is one of His greatest gifts that He gives us in marriage. Our kids need to know that something great is in store for them! They need to realize the importance of living right as teenagers and young adults so that they will one day be able to get married and enjoy freely God's gift without any hindrances on their lives.

Kristan, one of our former youth from our youth pastoring days who is now an amazng woman of God, commented the blog this week (perhaps you saw it) and says she remembers when I addressed their 7th grade class at the Christian school. I was asked to teach sex education for the girls and she has never forgotten my opening statement to the class: "'GOD WANTS YOU TO HAVE AN AMAZING SEX LIFE!" You better believe that got those 7th grade girls attention. Of course then I went on to say that God's way to that "amazing sex life" was to indeed do things HIS WAY. But I didn't just share with the girls what they needed to stay away from - I shared with them what they had to LOOK FORWARD TO.

In our home as well, we have talked openly to our kids about the fact that sex is one of God's greatest blessings in our marriage. They know that Larry and I have a marriage that includes intimacy. They know that we prioritize dates, romantic getaways, and Dustin sometimes teases us about the varieties of music he hears coming out of our room at times. While we don't flaunt our sex life to them neither do we go to great lengths to hide the fact that it exists. They know if Larry says, "Mom and I are going out to the jacuzzi - BY OURSELVES for a while..." he means, "give us some privacy." Children have to be taught these things and it teaches them and trains them about the importance of spending this time when they are married themselves. When I've been away on a trip preaching, they know when I come home I give priority to greeting the entire family and we share dinner together but they always understand that soon after, Larry and I retreat to the bedroom to spend time alone. They know to always knock on our door, and and are taught to never barge in. They know we have a lock on our door and we use it. The kids need to know we are not just buddies, but we have a romantic relationship that we give priority to.

So far it's working for us. Our three kids seem very, very committed to purity, and at the same time they seem very excited about experiencing God's gift for them one day in the bonds of marriage. They talk to us about their struggles, their hopes, their dreams.

Larry and I are very often asked by the young parents of our church, "when do you start talking to your kids about sex, and drugs, and all that stuff...?" well, this is what we tell them.

For those taking notes (and some of you have told me you are!) just summarize today's post as this:

1) Create an atmosphere where your kids can tell you anything without fear.
2) Have a series of on-going talks.
3) Emphasize to them the blessings they have to look forward to as they obey God's Word.

It's not all about me

Did you know that according to statistics, 85% of all divorces are for "non-severe" reasons?

There are many times within the last 20 plus years of pastoral ministry that people have asked Larry and I if they should stay in an unhappy marriage for others sake, or specifically for "the kids sake." Our answer is, unless you are in the situation where the Bible says divorce is an option, you should stay married. (You can find these guidelines in Matthew 19 and Mark 10, among other places in scripture.)

Since I am basing this belief on the Bible completely and not getting it out of my own head I've always thought it to be extremely reliable advice. I do realize, unfortunately that even people who consider themselves strong believers do not respect the Word of God as the final authority on marriage and make up their own rules as they go along. One thing is for sure - if you want to have controversy, just start teaching God's Word when it comes to marriage. (The Word of God is truth and sometimes the truth hurts.)

There are many times that Larry and I have not felt in love over the past 20 years and we've gone through some rough patches. We've made no secret of that to our church and shared extremely open and vulnerable our ups and downs. If there's one thing I'm really, really sure of it's that I'm so glad that through all those times I chose to stay -- sometimes for no other reason than:

1) I knew it was Biblically the right thing to do.
2) For the kid's sake.
3) For the sake of the body of Christ and those we represent.

I come from a Christian home that crumbled in dysfunction and divorce. It's not something I give all the details about because it involves so many other people and only for that reason, I'm guarded on the specifics. But I will say - it was living hell, for all involved.

It doesn't matter if you are 2 or 42 when your parents divorce...it affects you like nothing else. Some people say, "I'll wait until the kids are grown and then it will be easier." Don't be so sure. Yes, there are other hurts in the world just as deep and difficulties to overcome, but divorce is a unique wound.

Larry and I often tell our congregation that the reason God says in His word that He hates divorce is because it hurts His children and God can't stand anything that hurts His kids. If you filed for divorce and it was for an unBiblical reason of course God forgives. He also uses people for His glory who are divorced. But I wouldn't advise just because you know God forgives, that you run out and do it. The Bible says that we shouldn't sin that grace may abound. (Romans 6:1)

Thankfully there's the power of God and also this great thing called Christian counseling that helped me through when my parents got divorced. After a bazillion hours of counseling and prayer when I got through on the other side of the pain I realized it was something I needed to greatly learn from and apply to my own life.

You see, the great thing is, we can all make our own choices. I knew I had a choice to build the kind of marriage I dreamed of. And I was resolutely determined to make that choice and succeed. Author Mark Batterson says in his book, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, to "criticize by creating." That's become one of my mottos in life with everything. You see, many people will talk on and on about the hurts of their upbringing and do nothing about it but criticize it and basically get no where with that, except more down in the dumps. I've chosen instead to criticize by creating...creating the kind of family I want. The gift God gives each of us is our own personal opportunity to "do it right." The best way to move forward in your life is to take that which the devil threatened to break you with, and allow God to SHAPE YOU with it, to be all He ever designed you to be!

I couldn't wait to start my own marriage and family and make it what I had always dreamed of. I would encourage any of you who went through any type of trauma and dysfunction as a child - don't stay stuck at that point. Don't just sit around and talk about it. You can rise above! Simply criticize by creating and step out into your dream. It may be -- in fact I can almost guarantee WILL BE - radically different from the way you were raised and the customs of your family but that's the great thing -- IT'S YOUR TURN NOW. So take your turn! LIVE YOUR DREAM. Don't let anybody change your mind or stop you. Have the marriage you want and do it your way and don't settle for anything less or be pulled back by people who want you to do it differently.

There's a song by one of my favorite groups, Sugarland, that says:

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything

That's another one of my core values for my life ~ NO SETTLING.

I'm not settling for an okay marriage.
Not settling for "comfortable love."
Not settling for just living with a "buddy", a "friend" or a "roomate".
Not settling for a life of "visitation" with my kids every other weekend
Not settling for "joint custody"
Not settling for a "different definition" of family
Not settling for a "new normal"
Not settling for mediocrity...
in any aspect of my marriage...
or relationship with my kids.
No, no, no.
I'm going for the whole enchilada in this thing
and it means pursuing it hard every single day.
It means, learning, growing, pursuing...
reaching ever higher.
Never being content to rest
upon the levels of the past
but reaching for MORE.

I don't want a status quo marriage. I want more. That's really what it's about in so many ways...MORE. I want more in my life. The best news is, I determine whether I get more -- the proof of desire is in my pursuit. It doesn't matter how difficult it gets -- I'm plowing through, and not just to survive, but to THRIVE.

Some people will advise people not to marry someone who came from what is often called a "broken home" because those who came from a divorced home will often be more likely themselves to get divorced. John Maxwell says that "example isn't everything, it's the only thing." I believe that's true however I personally had a hard time understanding why anybody who has ever been through the pain of their parents getting divorced would ever willingly put themselves through it for any reason knowing what literal hell it is.

I realize everyone's reactions to pain and traumas are different. With me personally, having divorced parents did not make me more prone to say, "Larry, we're giving up and getting a divorce!" when we have gone through problems. Instead I have always been as far away minded from divorce as one could possibly get. I would rather die than divorce, and I'm literally serious when I say that. And if he tried to divorce me (for reasons other than abuse/adultery) I'd contest it every turn and overturn every single rock on earth and climb every mountain if I had to, to make it work.

Through these years I've learned that every marriage has ups and downs. Many people don't spend significant time working through the downs and just get their eyes on what they view as "greener grass." Remember, the grass on the other side of the fence may be green but it still needs to be mowed. Everything looks rosier with someone you aren't paying the bills with or going through the difficulties of raising kids with. I realize some people would differ with me on that and would say, "I'm glad I divorced...my happiness was more important" or, "I don't regret my divorce, I'm much better off now" but again what does the Bible say? Is your own comfort all you have to think about?

Let me say I know some of you reading this have been the one cheated on, the one who was beaten, the one who was abused. You didn't ask for this to happen to you. You weren't the one who mistreated, or filed for divorce. And you don't deserve any of it. It is not cases such as yours that I refer to, please know that. God help you as you pick up the pieces...I know how hard this must be for you and my heart goes out to you. You are living in a new normal that you didn't ask for and I can only pray that God re-pays you 100 fold for what you've gone through.

Those aforementioned situations are EXCEPTIONS. Remember, 85 % of divorces are for unBiblical or non-severe reasons. Did you know also that in the majority of divorce cases, only ONE partner actually WANTS THE DIVORCE? Amazing. What does this all add up to? Somebody in the relationship is simply saying, "it's all about me."

Larry and I teach in our marriage conferences is that marriage is an everyday exercise in getting beyond your selfishness. This is not just true not just for the married couple. Because see, when you decide to have kids, it's important to remember that you don't just prioritize your marriage for YOU, you also prioritize it for THEM -- because you are the first example they have of a Godly marriage.

Larry and I are cognizant of the fact every day that we are the model for our three and we want them to see, Mom and Dad are in a relationship of unconditional love. They know life has not been easy all the time for us, but they know we are radically committed and in love. They have absolutely no doubt that we are not just committed - nor are we just "business partners" - nor are we simply two best buds living in the same house - but they know we are absolutely in passionate love with each other. And when that passion starts to wane a little bit, we work on it all the harder. This is so important to the health of their future marriages. I want to teach them what to do, not have them learn from me what NOT TO DO as so many have to learn from their parents.

When I see how God has blessed our family so much, and others around me comment on what the Lord is doing in my kids and through our family, I say to myself..."was staying through the rough patches worth it? You bet."

It's worth it to see the benefits for my kids and also, for those around me in the church. Larry and I are also the example for our church. We are the spiritual parents of Northside Assembly of God. When I see our spiritual children follow in our footsteps, the blessing is indescribable. When I hear one of our couples say, "We started doing such and such just like Pastors Larry & Deanna taught us", it just gives me a feeling of joy that is unexplainable!!! We have to set the standard for marriage GOD'S WAY and show people what is possible, and that YES, THEY CAN DO IT...they can not just survive, but THRIVE.

Some of you reading this might be going through a tough spot and wonder if you'd be better off leaving. I was reading Dear Abby one day and saw that a reader asked her, "should I leave him?" Abby advised that the wife ask, "is my life better off with him or without him?" I guess my only question about that is, is it really all about YOUR LIFE? With some people, I truly believe when they are at the courthouse and receive their divorce decree, the judge should hand them a t-shirt as they leave that says, "It's all about me!"

One day we were doing testimonies in the church and a lady shared, "I'd like to thank God for my divorce. Since I filed for divorce, I've had so much more time for myself and it's been just wonderful." What a load of doo-doo!!! Again, is it really all about us? Our time? Our life? Our personal happiness?

God never said would be easy. But it is possible.

So when you need to, remind yourself - "it's not all about me." When you get to heaven one day do you think the most important question God will ask you is, "were you happy?" I don't think so.

I believe His first question might possibly be, "were you faithful?"

Relevant Church doing something... incredibly RELEVANT!

I just heard some news today that really inspired me. A church here in Tampa, Relevant Church is doing a new thing this month called the "30 Days Sex Challenge." (I've never visited the church but Pastor Trinity - our children's pastor - has visited or has met some people from this church and he was very impressed.)

Realizing that this is a major element missing from some marriages (the frequency factor) their lead pastor, Paul Wirth, has issued a challenge for all the married couples to have sex for 30 days in a row. At the same time he has issued a challenge for all unmarrieds to completely abstain from sex. Of course we know the Bible says that those who are unmarried should not have sex in the first place but the point is, a lot of unmarried's aren't obeying the Lord's command to abstain and this is just one pastor's way of trying to get them to see that indeed, there is a better way! (God's way!) At the same time, many married couples are not following God's instruction to have sex often. (I Corinthians 7 1-7) The pastor is obviously trying to show the married couples that there is definitely a better way than some of them have been choosing, which is to let the busyness of life crowd out the Lord's directive to "come back together again" often.

The church has a website that they've done about this new campaign they are on...you can find it at: http://www.30daysexchallenge.com/. Check out their site -- it's really awesome.

Like I said, I've never visited Relevant Church but it looks like they have some great things going on and maybe our staff will just have to take a little field trip down to Ybor to experience a service for ourselves.

I would have loved to have seen the reaction on the Sunday the pastor made this announcement...did he have to say, "can I get an amen up in here?" (LOL)

On a totally serious note, Larry and I have done a challenge like that for ourselves before (but never challenged the church...yet!) and we noticed a big difference in our marriage because of it. Discussing the benefits of doing such a challenge in your marriage are worthy of a post all it's own. But I will say this for starters - until you do such a "challenge" - you may not realize just how many times you come home from work tired, stressed, and it just becomes easier to eat, watch TV and go to sleep.

Most married couples would agree, "yeah, I come home from work a lot and I'm tired and fall asleep" but many would never realize just how many nights or weeks they have done that...in a row...without connecting - unless they kept track, or did a challenge where they realized, "hey we really don't do this as much as we thought we did." It becomes so easy for tiredness, problems with kids, bills, and other stresses to take first priority.

Assessments are a worthy tool to see where we are at whether in a workplace environment, a church or a marriage relationship. I have found personally that in my marriage, we need an assessment now and then to see how we are doing in all the important areas of our relationship. Sex is one of those areas.

I know many couples who sit in mine and Larry's office (who have come to a difficult point in their marriage) are surprised at where some of the problems started, or how easy it was to lose connection. We've helped many couples who confessed, their sex lives had gotten to the point of once a month, once a year, sometimes non-existent. But it all had to start somewhere.

Sometimes it takes a major wake up call to get you back on track. I know for me, having my doctor say, "you need to lose weight or else" threw me into a major wake up call. When I acted on that wake up call it was through a radical new transformation in eating and exercise that led to a 40 lb. weight loss. I couldn't have done it had I not taken an assessment of where I was, gotten honest with myself and taken a radical challenge to improve. In our relationships sometimes we need a "wake up call" and it takes something radical to get us back on track the way God intended.

I commend Pastor Paul Wirth and his wife Susie, from Relevant Church. They are giving the people of their church a wake up call. To the married they are saying, "connect more" and to the unmarried they are giving the clear call to abstain. Both groups will be so blessed as they take up the challenge!

I look forward to visiting the church someday when my schedule allows. Pastor Paul and Susie seem like really cool people who wouldn't mind if Larry and I steal their idea for our church...in fact they'd probably consider it...relevant?

I am Deanna Shrodes, and I'm a homeschooling Mom

Okay, pick yourselves up off the floor.

Stop laughing.

I'm serious.

If you've just tuned in to this blog for the first time, any friend who knows me well is falling off their chair laughing because I'm probably the furthest thing you can imagine from the "traditional homeschooling Mom" however.. this is the next installment in my "things I've learned" series. Here we go...

While I have figured out in the last 18 years that I'm not (personally) the best choice to teach my kids math or science and have left that up to the public schools. However, I still maintain that as my children's mother, I am still homeschooling them all along, just maybe not in all subjects. So my kids may be in public schools, but I am STILL A HOME-SCHOOLING MOTHER! And no one can take that away from me.

For those who say, "But Deanna, really...pray about it...you could be a great traditional homeschooler." Well first, I've tried. And I was a huge flop. I mean, really...since I can't begin to tell you what "x" or "y" equals (except maybe a baby boy when you put the two letters together) I'm not the best one to teach them that. I barely passed high school math, and I'm being honest. With some things, my kids do need more than what I can offer, in my opinion.

Some people think if you send your children to school you have abdicated your responsibility to teach them. I don't believe that. For the record, my kids have been all three - public schooled, homeschooled and private schooled. We have tried it all at one time or another and for our family personally we came to the conclusion that our children belonged in public school and they have spend the bulk of their educational experience there. For the most part they have thrived and done wonderful. Not only have they gotten an education but they have led a ton of people to the Lord along the way and are still doing so.

I believe it's different for everybody. My personal feeling is that God speaks to us as individuals and gives us the plan for not only our family but our individual kids. My dearest friend here in Tampa homeschools and is fantastic at it. It is undeniably God's plan for their family. I have a pastor's wife friend who has one of her kids in public school, one in Christian school and she homeschools one with special needs. Why? That's God's unique plan for their family. I have friends who are among all three groups (public, private & home) and we all respect each other and affirm the other's choices.

As a mother, I take offense at the notion that because my kids go to public school I am not teaching or training them for certainly I am. While others may teach them english or math or science, I am teaching them just as important and in some cases more important things in life such as character, integrity, leadership, creativity, hospitality, how to cultivate a Godly marriage, understanding God's will, manners and etiquette, God's plan for sexuality, cooking, fundamentals of music and worship leading, giving, serving, and much more.

Right now Jordan is taking culinary arts in high school. He's got a far better grade than some of the girls in the class. His classmates are amazed at how much he knows. It's no amazement to me. He learned it all at home. He proudly tells his friends, "I've been cooking all my life. My Mom has even done a cooking show on TV several times before! And if you don't believe me, just Google it!" (They did on a school computer one day and the kids said, "that's not your Mom, Jordan, stop lying..." He said, "I swear, that's my Mom, if you don't believe me Google my name and surfing together. A photo came up on my blog saying, "there's my boy Jordan riding the waves!" and then the kids finally believed him...)

From the time Jordan was just little we've cooked together. Yes, in addition to playing football, surfing and skateboading, he's a dynamite cook. (I've included some photos of him learning here when he was just a little guy at our house in Maryland. I think he was about five years old in this photo. He'll be 17 in just a few weeks.) The apron my grandmother made for me when I was little I kept all this time and got out and used for the kids. Jordan wore it until he just couldn't anymore but he's still so proud of it, almost reveres it. I am saving it so that one day I can teach my grandchildren to cook and they can use it.

I think it's important that both boys and girls learn to cook, and learn all of these basic things in life. I believe this is the most important kind of "home-schooling" we can do, just teaching our children the essentials of life. Someone else teaches my child algebra, but I believe I teach them much more. After all, when's the last time you went into Target and bought a sweater that was priced "X or Y"? Ha ha!

Most of Jordan's friends, whether boys or girls, have no clue about many of the basic essentials in life, such as...how not to go hungry. Parents of his friends comment often that when Jordan is there the kids never go hungry. When Jordan spends the night at a friend's house, if the parents don't feel like cooking they sometimes give him permission and Jordan goes into their freezer, pulls out a bunch of stuff and starts making a feast. All the while his friends are saying, "Jordan, how do you know how to fry chicken perfectly? Where did you learn how to make a casserole?" One Mom commented, "I came down the stairs into the kitchen and hour later and on the counter was a full buffet Jordan had prepared."

He'll be a good husband someday. Jordan will bring his wife breakfast in bed just like his Daddy brings me. You see, that's part of the homeschool curriculum that Larry's teaching...

Jordan at the beach

here's a photo of Jordan at Clearwater yesterday. He went with some friends and they took this pic. I loved it so I'm sharing it here.

That's my boy...isn't he beautiful?

Sunday Stuff

Today Larry and I dedicated Addison Faith to the Lord in the morning service. Baby dedications are something we love doing together, as we've always done. We do most things in the church together including baby dedications or membership Sundays and many tag-team messages as well.

Addison is one of the most adorable babies I've ever seen (of course I do love all babies) but she especially is such a doll and I've enjoyed holding her. A few weeks ago when I didn't have to preach on a Wednesday night I held her during the service and actually missed it this past week when Tina put her in the nursery. :-) But I understand - Moms need a break and need to hear the service uninterrupted and when Addison or any baby cries, I generally give them right back to Mom so she can decipher what's wrong and fix it.

We had a good service today. I was pleasantly surprised that as many people were there, with all those who were away for the 3 day weekend. Everything went very smoothly with service. Choir did fantastic even though we were down by about 1/3.

We had something sort of strange happen though, and it wasn't upsetting, just different.

A well dressed man pulls up in a Mercedes, comes in and sits on the front row and was taking copious notes. I thought for sure he was a reporter. Eddie went over and introduced himself and the guy gave his name and said he was a U.S. Senator who had decided to visit our service. Eddie said, "Oh, I honestly have not heard your name before, however, we welcome you to our service today and are so glad you're here." The guy said, "Look me up on the internet, you'll see me there..." Later at the back doors one of the ushers talked to him and greeted him and he said something about being the head of Sony or working for Sony or something like that. The usher asked "do you have a card?" He did not, but they exchanged pleasantries. Later he told people he was there on behalf of the Pentagon and worked for the Pentagon. (Are you starting to see something is amiss here?)

Well, finally at the end of service, Dr. Watson greeted the man in the parking lot and then later came back in and talked to my husband and I and said the man was none of those things...he was schizophrenic. Like I said, this was not "upsetting" or anything, just something actually pretty normal in the course of pastoring -- we're always dealing with something and we are not new to this. So anyway, I realize the poor man is sick and needs help and hopefully he's going to go somewhere medically where he can get that help. Of course he's welcome to worship at our church anytime, we are just going to have to somehow learn his real name and how to greet him properly because (and I have to chucke at this!) several people this morning were saying, "good to have you, Senator..." and obviously, the guy's not a Senator! He was really convincing, though - according to Eddie.

People with issues like this do not bother nor scare me - it's no different than if someone had a broken arm and was coming. They are just precious souls who also need ministry like anyone else. A part of their mind just happens not to work right. I would prefer to have people like this any day of the week, especially over unhappy Christians who are super-sensitive or criticizers. Fortunately we have very, very few of those at Northside - I can't even count them on one hand and sometimes it even feels they are non-existent. We are blessed, blessed, blessed.

Thank you, Jesus, for my church. I love them and I love you for giving them to me.

You'd give a rip if your pastor got divorced...so do you give a rip now while they're still married?

Here's a question I want to pose to every one of you reading this who are members of a church. Do you care enough to actually invest in your pastor's marriage?

Before I get into this subject any further, let me say I'm not talking to my church people. Reason being - I already know they care. They have shown it and they are the very first church we have pastored that has. It is partly their caring on this issue that prompts me to write this, and partly an idea dropped into my heart by my friend, Pastor Andrea Fruscella.

Recently Pastor Andrea wrote an article and she was admonishing people about caring about their pastor's marriage. She brought up the point that the majority of church people would care greatly if their pastor got divorced. They would be the first to want to 'take action' as soon as they found out! I guess some churches would want to take some sort of action to perhaps remove their pastor and others might try to take quick action to restore, depending upon their point of view. In either case, an impending divorce or one that has just happened would make many a congregation rise up and say, "hey, what's going on?"

Pastor Andrea's question was - when so many care if their pastor ends up getting divorced, why don't they show some care while they are STILL MARRIED?

I believe this is an excellent question and something church people would do well to think about and begin to take action on. Some reading this will say, "I don't feel I can take action on this in my church - I'm not a board member, or a leader in the church." But really, ANYONE can take action in helping their pastor's marriage, and I'm going to tell you how right here on this blog. First, let me tell you a few things our church does for us. They typify the fact that love and caring for their pastor are really verbs - they show it by their actions not just words.

When Larry and I first came here the board informed us that one of the things important to them was that their pastor maintains a good marriage. They were very wise to realize that as the pastor goes, so goes the church. Therefore, they wanted to make an investment in our marriage, knowing that we are leading the couples - and ultimately the families of this church as a collective body. They want to do all they can to ensure the health of our family. Two times a year aside from our vacation time they give us a few days away together as a married couple, and in addition to giving us the time off, they pay for it. This is specifically for a marriage getaway and is not taken for something like a missions trip, etc.

This time for us is so special. One thing that was difficult for us in times past before coming to pastor in Florida was that we always wanted more time for just "us" away without the kids but we felt guilty to take our "vacation time" and leave the kids at home especially since there was so little precious time and money, and after all - family vacation time is important. But now we don't have to be faced with that choice. We have our vacation with our children, but those "marriage weekends" are for us alone. And best of all, we don't have to worry about how we are going to pay for it! The church takes care of it. Pretty amazing, huh? Yep, I think so too. It's one of the reasons why I think my church is really the best in the world!

In addition to this, people volunteer to help with taking care of the kids, the house, the dog, or whatever else we need. This is especially important when you have a pastor who doesn't live near their extended family and has left home and all that is familiar to follow the call of God far away from family.

At this point in our lives, our son has just turned 18, and so most times now he and his brother (who will be 17 in a few weeks) stay together and keep the run of the house and take care of themselves. However I still have child care arranged for the youngest, who is 10.

Rob and Jenn Hart are in leadership at our church, and an incredible couple we love so much. They are involved in the church in many ways, from being on the board to overseeing our Hopetown Ministries homeless outreach, however they told us way before getting involved in any of that, that their "ministry" to us that God gave them was to take care of Savanna. She has been with them so much over the past few years that we lovingly call her, "Savanna Hart Shrodes." The Harts have taken her in as one of their own, not only each time Larry and I want to go away as a couple for a "marriage" getaway, but they also care for her during all of our ministry trips when we are away on business or missions or such. We never have to worry at all about her and she is just as happy with the Harts as she is at home. It truly is her "second home." The Hart kids consider her "their sister" and truly the Hart family is an incredible gift to our family in so many ways.

Here are some ideas for you to be a blessing to your pastor's marriage:

If you are on the board - give the pastoral couple extra time (beyond vacation) for at least one overnight getaway a year and arrange for the church to give financially towards the getaway. If the church can't afford to pay for it, at least give them the time off - this really costs you nothing but will bring big benefits to the church.

If you are not on the board, go talk to the board members and share this idea with them and let them know of your desire that the church do something to invest in the pastor's marriage. Talk to them about "preventative maintenance." Honestly, some churches care more about maintaining the air conditioners or the parking lot than they do their pastor! If the board is somehow stacked with people who really don't care about this then don't say, "the board doesn't want to help, so I guess we can't do anything." You take the initiative - go to a few people off the board who are in the congregation who you know really care about the pastor's family. Take a little collection among yourselves and make a plan to make this happen for your pastor. If you can't get the leadership on board, do something from a "grass roots" level to help your pastor. You don't have to be on a special committee to help the pastor, but if the official leadership is on board, all the better -- and you can do something even bigger for your pastor. In fact, I know of one church that did just that. The pastor didn't really have any true supporters on the board. Some of his close friends off the board just got together and arranged the whole thing and went around to members of the congregation, advertised it privately and presented the pastor and spouse with it. It would have been great if the board would have caught the vision and it's a shame they didn't - however the goal of helping the pastor was still accomplished due to those caring folks.

Help arrange childcare for them. This could be for an overnight getaway or just a date night.

Ask your pastor questions like, "when's the last time you went on a date with your spouse?" Hold them accountable.

Give a gift certificate for them to go on a date.

Bless them with a book that will enrich their marriage.

Don't expect perfection out of them. Every marriage has it's ups and downs. Realize they are human and sometimes they go through rough patches like anyone. Give them space to be human.

Be sure to recognize their anniversary. Plan something extra special for the "special ones" (10, 20, 25, 50, etc.)

PRAY FOR THEM. Pray for your pastor's marriage EVERY SINGLE DAY. They are under great pressure, more than any other marriage in your church. The enemy has targeted them. Where the head goes, the body follows! Uphold them daily and let them know you are praying for them.

When God puts them on your heart in a strong way, tell them that. Let them know you are thinking of them and standing in the gap for them.

Offer to do extras like house-sit, pet sit, or take care of various needs of the church while your pastor is going to go away with their spouse on a getaway so they know those things are covered while gone.

These are just a few ways to be an extra special blessing to your pastor's marriage. I would encourage any church member reading this - don't dare criticize your pastor for a strain you may see now or in the future in their marriage if you haven't reached out to try and strengthen their marriage in the past.

Plenty of people will rise up and care when it all falls apart -- but will you be the one to care before it ever gets to that?

By the way, thanks Northside, once again! You care and it makes things much easier in keeping the flame burning in this pastoral marriage!

Mentoring Women/ Life Coaching

This morning I led my women's life coaching meeting at Northside. This is the women's mentoring group that I do and it's one of my favorite things. I think we have the coolest group of women on the planet. I'm very blessed to lead them.

The photo above is of a few of my life coachers from last year when we were sitting in Starbucks one weekend that we went away together. I have no new photos of our group this year...gotta take some.

This morning I tried calling Susan on the way there to tell her that I was running exactly on time and would arrive just in time to start teaching. Therefore I wanted her to have the hot water on for tea before my arrival. I never got her on the cell phone but wasn't surprised to get there and see the coffee and tea already on the table and all my ladies sitting there eager to start. Perhaps nothing blesses me more to see women ready to grow, to learn, to go to the next level. I love it when women are not content to stay the same but press forward for MORE. And to be part of that process of bringing it about, well, it's just...indescribable.

In addition to being involved in mentoring in our church, I have been invited to teach others about it. Last year I was invited to speak at the Pen-Florida All Church Ministries Conference and recently I noticed that on Pastor Gene Roncone's website, he had the podcast from that conference! (Now, Bro. Roncone is a pretty big dude in the AG, for those who may not know. I was really honored and a bit flabbergasted to even see me on his website. I wish I could say my husband and I are friends with this man of God but quite honestly we have never met. Which makes me doubly honored that he valued what I had to say and is using it in teaching and training his people.) If you want to listen to the podcast, go here. For those of you who are pastors, pastor's wives or women's ministries leaders, I share in this session about mentoring women and I trust if you are looking for info on this it will bless you.

So, back to today's news... after an interactive time of teaching we entered into our time of prayer and I really felt God's presence. I'm believing we are going to have a wonderful testimony out of today's prayer time. I can't share the prayer requests or such because we get into such deep things in our lives sometimes in life coaching -- it becomes a place to really let down - be vulnerable - share our hearts. But suffice it to say, we don't just share issues, we believe the God of the heavens to take over and CHANGE those situations. Something big is about to happen in somebody's life, I just feel it...

After life coaching I took Savanna and Dustin to lunch and we just talked about stuff. I love my kids...can you tell? Dustin was working at the church today and Savanna came with me to serve at Hopetown Ministries. (Homeless ministry) It's a blog for another day, but as most of you readers know if you've been reading this blog any time at all, I strongly believe in raising kids that SERVE in the house of the Lord, not just attend it. So important to have them DOING ministry from the time they are little.

Gotta get all the ironing, and any other last minute prep for tomorrow out of the way this afternoon. Tonight, Jenn and I are taking our girls to see the Hannah Montana 3-D movie. Our girls are among those pre-teens who are just C-R-A-Z-Y for the girl, and I support it. I've heard nothing but great things about Miley Cyrus and what I've seen of her so far she's a good role model. The other day I saw her on TV actually quoting scriptures by heart and it wasn't just some verse that everybody knows like John 3:16, but something unique where you could tell, this girl really does read the Bible. Sometimes I hear her songs so much at my house I can't get them out of my head. I have to confess, "The Best of Both Worlds" and "I miss you" has been stuck in my head many a day...

The girls are so excited. Their excitement makes me excited! I know Pastor Tara just took her girls and blogged about the adventure. I guess all of us Moms with girls this age are going through this craze together right now.

Mmmm...Teeb just came in and brought me a piece of Perkins banana cream pie. My favorite. (The man, and the pie.) Gonna go enjoy and talk to him for a while before I get cracking on all this work.

Lots of things I'm working on continuing in the "things I've learned" series...so look forward this week to much more. FYI I had some readers e-mail and tell me how some things have blessed certain aspects of their life from this series. I'm grateful for that. I don't take it lightly, believe me. And I rejoice with you in the steps taken - and the victories won. Keep going --growing -- heading to greater levels.

Speaking of new levels, I'm embarking on the writing of a new book project. This might be my most important work ever. I know most people think whatever they are currently working on is their most crucial ever and I understand that. But what I am saying is, this is a work that really might be my "signature work" of my lifetime. We'll see. I tell you this to ask you to pray. I would like to have it finished by this year's Unstoppable Conference, for a few important reasons I have yet to share. Stay tuned!

Valentine Banquet Inspirations ~ the Importance of Philematology

Tonight was our Valentine Banquet for married couples at our church. We had a lovely dinner and entertainment by one of our wonderful members, "Eddy Dean" who does entertainment in the Frank Sinatra and Michael Buble' genre. Then Larry and I gave an inspiring little "talk" to the couples before we fellowshipped some more and dismissed. I thought I'd share with you the highlights of our talk. I'm just going to copy and paste our notes here. Keep in mind this isn't a seminar, workshop, nor a sermon, it's just meant to be a short inspiring talk.

Larry ~

We want to talk to you tonight for just a few minutes about one of the main things missing from marriages today and it’s a steady amount of Phil-e-ma-tology.

PHILEMATOLOGY NEEDS TO COME BACK IN FULL FORCE TO MARRIAGE!

WE NEED TO GET SERIOUS ABOUT PHILEMATOLOGY!!!

When you leave tonight and someone who missed the banquet says, “in addition to Eddy’s wonderful entertainment, what did you do and what did the pastors talk about?” You need to say…

They talked about philematology!

We practiced philematology!

It was awesome!!!

Deanna ~

What is philematology? Simply the scientific word for kissing.

Did you know that simply choosing to kiss for 10 seconds on a regular basis can revitalize your marriage! Just how valuable is a 10-second kiss?

We're going to try it tonight! Right here right now, I'm going to set this little timer and we're going to all kiss our marriage partner for 10 seconds. Not 3, not 7, not 9...that's right, I said 10 full seconds. It might not sound like a lot, but just give it a try...

(Everybody Kiss)

As married couples we need to evaluate our relationship -- how much kissing do we do – outside the bedroom?

Affection is an important aspect of marriage and most people figure out quite quickly in a marriage that what happens outside the bedroom greatly affects what goes on inside it.

Remember when you were dating? Most couples gave a kiss when they saw each other after being apart, and always before they parted for the day or night. (Not to mention a great amount of making out for some in between…)

Some couples need to ask themselves…WHEN AND WHY DID THE KISSING STOP?

Robert Browning once said, "What of soul was left, I wonder, when the kissing had to stop?"

Larry ~

There are great benefits to kissing beyond just what it will do for your relationships. For those who are more practical and you think, “will this really make a difference?” consider the following true statistics:

Men who are kissed before going to work every morning:

* have fewer accidents! * live five years longer! * make 15 percent more money

If that’s not enough for you consider that it’s:

· Been proven to be good for your teeth and your heart.
· Is good for your self confidence.
· Has been proven to slow the aging process. A passionate kiss uses as many as 29 muscles in the cheek and jaw.
· Burns 6-12 calories per kiss, depending upon how passionate.
· Relieves stress

It’s amazing how God made us for one another. A study in 1997 out of Princeton University concluded that our brains are equipped with neurons that help us find our lovers lips in the dark.

German doctors and psychologists did a study and found that those who kiss their spouse each morning miss less work because of illness than those who do not.

Deanna ~

Let's put statistics aside for a moment, my friends. One thing for certain, kissing plays a very important role in keeping the fires burning in a relationship. Your partner needs to feel appreciated. Your partner needs your love and affection. A kiss can express all that and more.

Unfortunately, too many couples are caught up in the “busy-ness of life” and the kiss has turned into a quick peck on the cheek, if anything at all.

Excuses range from being “too busy” to “too tired,” to “it was fun in the beginning, but now …”

Life gets so busy and in marriage we can’t leave things to chance.

Just last week I had written about keeping physical intimacy a priority in marriage and even setting number goal of times to connect if you need to, to make sure you are maintaining that connection. A reader took me to task for it and said something to the effect of, “that’s ridiculous. A relationship doesn't have to have those kind of goals to succeed.”

My question would be – why is it okay to have goals for other things in our marriage – financial goals, vacation goals, education goals, but not okay to have intimacy goals? Sometimes if you don’t make an agreement that you are going to remember to do something, you won’t!

Pastor Larry and I have counseled couples over the years who have told us that they don't know when it happened, just steadily over the years they began to have less and less physical connection until finally their intimacy regressed to being once every few months or once a year, or sometimes less, and in some cases...there was no intimate contact whatsoever.

Where does it start? I submit to you that the decline begins when we forget or stop doing things as simple as kissing each day.

Let this serve as a reminder to all of the couples here tonight, let's make an agreement between ourselves as marriage partners, even a pact – to kiss more, to connect more.

We encourage you to get back to prioritizing PHILEMATOLOGY in your marriage!


p.s. It's important that pastors practice what they preach! Larry and I have done a lot of practicing in the study of philematology. At the top is a photo from our wedding. Here we are at left, the first year we were married, and then again, at right, recently. Notice, after 20 years, he's still smiling when I move in to kiss him. Mmmm... (maybe it's because I often still do...?)

My Valentine's Day/Night

I'm so excited to share with you about my Valentine's Day. First, let me show you part of my Valentine's Day gift to Larry. (See above) I made it into a jpg to show you what it looks like...it's a photo collage of us that I created. Along with the photos, I wrote him a letter, then made it all into a 5 x 7 and framed it in a nice black frame so it can sit on his desk at work and remind him each moment how loved he is. I thought it was a cool idea! One reason I wanted to share with you is because I find that people (including myself!) are always looking for special and creative things to do for their husband/wife. This gift is an easy one yet so special. It only cost me the time to create it, my computer and printer with color ink, and purchasing a frame from Target. Wha-la!!! Super gift!!! (Just FYI, I created it in Microsoft Publisher.)

Along with this I got him the new Michael Buble CD, "Call me Irresponsible." He loves Michael. We listen to him a lot.

I also gave him a card with a few choice homemade gift certificates. I won't share the "gifts" with you but let's just say I won't be making chocolate chip cookies or something. :-) I was never one to jump on the "coupon" bandwagon as far as this kind of thing goes because I think if your husband (or wife) wants something they shouldn't have to have a coupon to get it, and so I've just never done that. (I just give him what he wants all the time.) However I thought this year to just make a few of these up and put them in there -- even though he knows he can have what he wants anytime anyway -- I thought it might excite him to see it in writing. Does that make sense? We were going out to dinner with a few friends and so I told him last night we would open gifts before we left for dinner. I didn't want him to open the card in front of them because I thought he might want to redeem the certificate right there, ha ha! :-)

Larry gave me a four disc collectors edition of "Gone With the Wind" and a bunch of chocolates from Choxotica. If you have never been there, it's a wonderland of chocolate. Check it out here.

Larry made arrangements for us to go to By the Bay Cafe (my favorite place!!!) in Ruskin, FL. It's the place with all the authentic Baltimore food. It's the place that, the first time I ate, I sat there and cried with joy just have a "taste of home." He invited the Harts and Madden's to go with us. FUN, FUN, FUN! All day I was envisioning the cream of crab soup and REAL Maryland style crabcakes in my mind.

As usual, By the Bay Cafe did not disappoint. The place was absolutely packed and we had to wait even though we had a reservation, so did tons of other people. The Harts and Madden's both agreed, the food was outstanding. So worth it. I talked to Darlene, the owner and sure enough she remembered me as the lady who cried... (smile) and was delighted to see us. I asked her how business is doing aside from special occasions like tonight. She said it's been very difficult, even somewhat sounded like she doubted their future as far as staying open. That makes me very sad.

By the Bay Cafe is more of a "specialty" restaurant, not an everyday place and are also located in a small town and this makes it difficult. I would absolutely hate to see this place close. The food is truly one of a kind and it has become my favorite place, a "taste of home" if you will. The last time I went there I blogged about it and asked anybody within driving distance of Tampa to please check it out. I'm asking for that again. I don't get a kick back for this or anything, folks. Just the possibility that my favorite place will remain there in Ruskin, FL. Please, please -- go to By the Bay and tell them Deanna sent you! And make sure you taste the cream of crab soup and the crabcakes. :-)

It was a wonderful night of fellowship with friends and now tomorrow night we look forward to our church married couples Valentine Dinner. I'll be back to tell you all about it tomorrow.

It's Valentine's Day! Yippee!

I hope you all are having a great day!

I had so much work to do today I didn't want to face interruptions (honestly couldn't afford them today) so I worked from home instead of the office, banging out messages, prayer models, meetings agendas, and much more on my computer. I have to get all this done before I can celebrate Valentine's Day. Right now I'm taking a brief cookie break and writing this note to you.

My strategy worked today and I'm almost done and ready to prepare myself for our Valentine's date!!!

I can't wait to tell you all about it. It's going to be so wonderful. I'll be back later after our celebration to give you the 4-1-1 about it.

But for now, just have a lovely day yourself and remember, YOU ARE LOVED and no matter who you are celebrating today with, even if you are all by yourself, will you please remember that you are GOD'S FAVORITE and that's what counts the most?

Love to all my faithful readers,

Deanna

I'm only going to say this once

For the first time in my blogging history, I've gotten some anonymous negative comments the past few weeks. According to blog stats, it's only coming from one posters, or two related posters. Being that they were anonymous, Larry did not want me to let them go through and post them. He feels that anonymous posts are extremely cowardly and should not be dignified with the privilege of being posted or answered. However, I've never been afraid to stand up for what I believe, to anyone. I consider myself a pretty resilient chick. So I let the comments go through.

I'm sorry now that I did that. My husband was right. I have comment moderation and I will not be posting any comments that have a criticism of the blog even if they contain a compliment within the criticism.

I received another comment this morning (anonymous of course) that spoke of the post on negativity and basically said that this blog has a contagious positive attitude but sometimes also a negative one. The poster also noted that sometimes we all can write things without really thinking.

Well, I'm just going to say this once and then be done with it. There's nothing I write on here without really thinking. I don't ever press "publish" unless I really want to.

What you may consider inappropriate is not necessarily what others feel is inappropriate. There are MILLIONS OF BLOGS out there. There are blogs that I call "vanilla blogs" where you are never going to find anything controversial or very revealing. You can go there and find nothing but scripture verses, devotionals, or somebody telling you how great their life is all the time. That's fine for those people if that is their goal. But, that's never been my goal here. While I do desire to be an encouragement, realize that this blog is not a devotional. I also long to be real. And that's what I'm going to be here, even if it makes some uncomfortable. Reality doesn't always sit well with folks. In one church we pastored I actually had a lady ask me when we "adopted our boys." When I told her the boys were not adopted she was quite shocked. I said, "I don't understand. What would lead to believe they are adopted?" She said, "well honestly I thought that was the only way pastors could have children..." Like I said, some folks don't deal with reality real well. The great thing is, there's this great thing about your computer and it's that you can always click the "x" in the right hand corner of the box you're looking at and something else can take it's place.

The truth is, I don't always have incredible days. The truth is, some days I don't want to get out of bed. The truth is, I have a wonderful life, but it sure can be a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. I'm honest about those ups and downs here, right down to what cereal I ate this morning to the fact that I had to pick up a ministry in the church for a time that has me feeling overwhelmed. Yes, I also talk about everyday real life subjects such as sex, church conflict, and more. If that is difficult for any reader to handle, I am more than happy to have them go to another blog and do their reading there. But don't expect the tenor of this blog to change to suit your needs because the fact is, I don't write it to suit any one individuals needs, I just write it.

In the choir room at our church, we have motivational slogans placed around the room and one of them says this: "Be positive here or be negative somewhere else." And that's how I feel about those who read this blog. If you like what's here on the menu, great. If not, go do your reading elsewhere. Really, it won't offend me. Different strokes for different folks. First, I've always written this blog primarily because I love to write and I was "blogging" before blogging on line even existed. I write first for my own catharsis and enjoyment before anything else. Second, I write for those who want to take me as I am - and hear what I have to say unabridged. If you don't like it, I'm not bent on changing your mind. Just don't try to change me. If God wants to change me, He will. Leave it up to Him.

According to my blog stats, approximately 20,000 individuals checked out my blog last year. That's not repeat people, I'm talking about individual readers. I was pretty blown away by the statistics myself. It's amazing to me that many people read this, and some everyday or more than once a day. Obviously out of that multitude of people, some kept reading, some did not. On average, hundreds read a day. Out of 20,000 people total checking it out in 2007, and a few hundred regularly reading daily I think it's pretty incredible that only two have negatively commented. That's another reason I really didn't care about posting the anonymous criticism but my husband simply says it's ridiculous and I don't deserve it and should never post it again. So I won't.

For the record, my husband is really proud of me. The critic said, "what does your husband think about people seeing a photo of you in a bikini?" (On ONE post within the last three years, a photo of me was posted that actually went along with the day's topic.) I explained that first of all, I live in Florida. It's quite common, even for church people. Nobody here would blink an eye at it. But evidently my critic really was enamored with it because they brought it up MONTHS after the photo was ever posted. But second, my husband actually has the photo posted on his own blog. He's not just proud of me because I can play the piano or preach. He thinks I'm the hottest woman in the world and he's really glad I'm his. He's also proud of me for having the courage to teach about things like sex openly. In fact, we tag team teach on it quite often. We do marriage conferences not to mention we talk about it in our own church.

When I went to Africa, I had the distinction of being the first speaker who has ever come to the region I spoke at and preach a message that talked about sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence, sexual sin, sex within marriage, and more. The national women's director and the general superintendent told me that this was a first for Kenya. They thanked me profusely for following God's instruction to me to bravely "open this can of worms" and discuss with these women the issue of their sexuality and what God says about it. My husband is very proud of me for all this, and more. When I go back to Kenya, he's going back with me! They have invited us to do a 4-day marriage conference!!! Obviously there are a lot of people who want to hear what we have to say even if some don't. And that's fine. Whatever floats your boat. If anything bothers or hurts Larry it would be that anyone would criticize his wife, especially someone who hides behind the cloak of anonymity to do it. It's easy to hide behind something and throw a stone at somebody. At least I have the courage to own my words in front of at least 20,000 people...

As far as the church, the critic said they wouldn't want to read certain things from their pastor, or pastor's wife. Well, it's like this -- that's why there are millions of churches and no doubt, thousands in your area where you live. You have a choice as to who your pastor or pastor's wife is. Clearly everybody would not be comfortable having me as their pastor or pastor's wife and that's why God put a zillion churches on God's green earth. I tell our people at Northside - I've been to counseling before and my life hasn't always been perfect. If you don't want to know that about your pastor, there are a whole bunch of churches in Tampa where you can go where the pastor will never admit to you that they've ever had any problems.

Does anyone in my church ever get upset about something I've posted or said? Sure - and specifically about sex. I can think of four - maybe five over twenty years time who have either said something or even left the church over it. It was always worth the criticism. Considering that HUNDREDS of parishoners have THANKED Larry and I repeatedly for being so open and honest, and some have even attributed our honesty or our teaching to the HEALING OF THEIR MARRIAGES, then I don't think the loss of four of five is really that significant. Just as there are many blogs where people can go, so there are multiple churches, if they do not like what God tells us to preach and teach.

When I started this blog I said that it was about my "ups and downs, heartaches and happy endings." The blog title is INTIMATE PORTRAIT. If that doesn't give you a clue, I don't know what does. But each day you can look to the column to the right and see the mission of my blog right there and it is to talk about my personal perspectives, my ups and downs, my heartaches and my happy endings. It's about what I'm currently learning, things God is showing me, things others have taught me, non-sensical stuff I'm thinking about, really life changing stuff I'm thinking about, and even sharing a little bit about things I haven't figured out yet and am not sure I ever will.

Criticizing someone or something and tearing it down, and speaking of the ups and downs of your own life is quite different. They are not one and the same. I do write several different types of blogs (I have others besides Lifetime Intimate Portrait). The goal of this blog has never been to serve as a devotional. I am going to continue to write as I have always done, and for those who want to keep reading - great. Glad to have you here. For those who don't - God bless you as you find other blogs that speak to your heart everyday (not just on some days) in the way you need specifically.

I won't revisit this topic again - I have simply enabled comment moderation and will take advantage of it. If you write critical comments, they will simply be deleted.

To all my faithful, happy readers...sorry for that brief interruption...as I said, I'm only going to address it once, and now...

Welcome back to Intimate Portrait...business as usual. :-)

My 8 things meme...

Eight things to do before I die...

1) Rent a house in Boone, NC for a month and take a sabattical and write.
2) Go on a road trip with Savanna.
3) Go back to Africa as many times as possible.
4) Take a vacation at the beach with my family - my husband, kids, their spouses and kids once my kids are grown.
5) Go on an extended (few week) second honeymoon with Larry.
6) Get to my lifetime weight goal.
7) Read to my grandchildren and teach them to cook.
8) Get a book contract.


Eight things I cannot do:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Eight things that attract me to my husband:

1) He's funny. This is the first thing that attracted me to him...now it's also sometimes the thing that drivest me craziest the quickest!
2) He looks hot in a black suit. Sometimes it's a wonder he makes it to church on time...
3) He gave me four kids (one in heaven) and he loves them.
4) He tells me I've got a beautiful mind. (He says I'm beautiful in other ways but he always compliments the mind first because he knows it means more to me.)
5) He isn't intimidated by me.
6) He's a good provider.
7) He's extremely faithful/trustworthy. I don't ever worry about where he's at or what he's doing.
8) He likes it that I'm sassy. Celebrates my ability to lead - and asks me to.
9) He smells good (like Curve) ...mmmmm....could just eat him up...
10) He loves God more than he loves me.

Eight things I say most often:

1) "Okay...okay.... Okay..." (picture saying this when tense, or rushed -- choppy like..."OKAY. OKAY. OKAY" while gritting teeth with wide eyes...)
2) "Shondi!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (said when happy, mad or frustrated as in, "Why is this car on "E" again and I'm running late? SHONDI!!!!")
3) "Dear Jesus!" (as in, "Dear Jesus, that car almost just hit us!" )
4) "Wow..." (Universal phrase with me, said with almost anything good or bad or indifferent... such as, "You thought the worship was too loud today? Wow..............." )
5) "You're going to drive me to drink!" (as in, "Stop it Jordan, you're going to drive me to drink...!" and he'll say, "good Mom, I think you might need a drink...")
6) "Come give Momma a hug..." (as in, "Dustin, I kow you're busy, but come give Momma a hug...")
7) "Is that my phone again, dang it?" (said way, way too much)
8) "I love you." (said as many times as possible to as many people as possible)

Eight books I love:

1) The Bible
2) Secrets of the Secret Place by Bob Sorge
3) Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts
4) Ten Lies the Church Tells Women by J. Lee Grady
5) Night by Elie Weisel
6) My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
7) Balcony People by Joyce Landorf Heatherly
8) Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On by Stormie Omartian

Eight movies I could watch over and over again:

1) Sister Act I
2) Sister Act II
3) The Preacher's Wife
4) Ghosts of Mississippi
5) The Color Purple
6) The Great Debaters
7) Schindler's List
8) Evening

Eight things I love doing on a regular basis:

1) Worship
2) Going to church.
3) Taking a bath in my big tub
4) Shopping
5) Going on a date with my husband
6) Talking to my kids about stuff
7) Writing
8) Sex

Eight things I would care less to have to do or see again:

1) Cleaning the bathrooms
2) Hearing the latest news report on Britney Spears
3) WEEDING!!!
4) Pumping gas
5) Answering the phone.
6) Cleaning out the fridge
7) Anything to do with ministry politics
8) Anything to do with LAZY people

Eight things I miss:

1) My grandmother
2) Friends and family who live far.
3) My car. Still not over it. Larry and I talked about it the other night. Truth is, I'm still not ready...
4) Some of the (good) mindsets and principles in ministry that seems to be ever slipping from us year after year with new crops of people coming up the ranks who don't seem to "get it"... (Dear Jesus!!! SHONDI!!!)
5) I miss having a baby. (really, I do sometimes!)
6) The fall season although I do love Florida.
7) Maryland crabs
8) Having teeth with NO CAVITIES (which I had when I moved here to Florida)

Eight things I don't miss:

1) Poverty
2) Bitter cold
3) Some of the old "stuff" Larry and I had to work through in our early years in marriage
4) All the extra pounds that were on my body
5) All night lock-ins
6) A few staff who were from hell. (Yes, it really was that bad at times, no exaggeration. Praise be to God for His delivering power. The past few years we've been so blessed, knock on wood.)
7) Anyone lazy.
8) Pollen from up north that used to make me sneeze profusely three months out of the year.

Eight foods I love:

1) Mashed potatoes - my absolute favorite!
2) Shrimp
3) Scallops
4) Fish
5) Crabs
6) Steak
7) Sour cream - anything with it!
8) Chocolate

Eight foods I hate:

There aren't eight foods I hate. That's part of my problem! The only three things I can think of that I don't like are liver, licorice, and sardines. Everything else, I like that I know of. When it comes to food, I'd make a great missionary, don't you think?

Eight Artists/Music Groups I love:

1) Amy Grant (my all time fav - oh how I would love to meet her! I have been her biggest fan for-EV-er!)
2) Frank Sinatra
3) Nat King Cole
4) Rascal Flatts
5) Sugarland
6) Earth, Wind and Fire
7) James Taylor
8) Whitney Houston

Eight of my favorite places to be:

1) Home
2) Church
3) Any beach but favorites are Miami and Clearwater
4) Bed
5) Pittsburgh
6) Baltimore
7) In my rocking chair
8) On my back patio

Eight of my favorite (solo) songs to sing:

1) I wouldn't take nothin' for my journey now
2) No one ever cared for me like Jesus
3) He looked beyond my fault and saw my need
4) When he was on the cross, I was on his mind
5) Precious Lord
6) He touched me
7) Heaven's Jubilee
8) Keys to the Kingdom
* Note: if Bill Gaither wanted me to join the Homecoming tour, I would be ready at a moment's notice!

Eight of my favorite worship songs:

1) Exceeding Joy
2) You Alone
3) The More I Seek You
4) You Are
5) Give Us Clean Hands
6) You Are Near
7) Amazed
8) Let the Veil Down

Eight things I like to hear:

1) "I love you"
2) "I'm proud of you"
3) "Mom, I got my report card, and it's good!"
4) "How can I help you?"
5) "When I read what you wrote, it changed my life..."
6) "You've got a beautiful mind..."
7) "Yes, the house is clean..."
8) "Yes, it was good for me too..."

Eight things I don't like to hear:

1) "I know I promised you I'd do this, but..."
2) "I just want to share something with you "in love"..."
3) "I said this would be done on time but some things have come up..."
3) My phone ringing.
4) "Don't you think it's alright?" (when something isn't done like I asked but somebody else thinks it's good enough...)
5) "Mom, she/he hit me..." "won't give me the remote..." "is sitting in my seat in the car..."
6) "I know I told you I'd be there, but..."
7) Any racial or gender prejudice remark. It's like nails on the chalkboard of my life...
8) When my alarm clock go off

Eight Issues I Feel Passionate About:

1) Racial and gender equality
2) Free Speech
3) Mentoring
4) Biblical teaching on and the cultivation of healthy sex lives within marriage
5) Being a courageous parent and teaching on such
6) Helping other women in ministry
7) Sunday School ...this is my 25th year of teaching
8) SERVING! (I've been on an anti-laziness campaign for 41 years...)

Eight things I don't understand:

1) Laziness
2) Most math problems
3) Kept women
4) Guavaween
5) Prejucide
6) How to turn my husband's TV on
7) Sin
8) Why some people die when they do

Eight songs I like to slow dance with my husband to:

1) Just the way you look tonight
2) Always and Forever
3) Because You Loved Me
4) Unforgettable
5) Just the Way You Are
6) You and I (Michael Buble')
7) Summerwind
8) Fly Me to the Moon

About negative people

My friend Pastor Tara Sloan sent me this. I think it's priceless!

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So , how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?" W e'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're over priced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

" Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the crappy Hairdo?

Lemonade Girl

So this year brought a lot of change for me. Change I wasn't originally happy with. Just call me the lemonade girl.

One of the stereotypes many people have about women is that we "cry for no reason" or that we find ourselves crying and wonder why. (Just another reason I hate stereotypes!) Well, if millions of women are out there doing that, don't count me among them. If I'm crying, there's a good reason for it and I can tell you exactly why it is.

There are times, I've been so upset I've cried for days. Times I couldn't get out of bed. Times I thought I wanted to die. But I always knew WHY. I could articulate it for you perfectly.

So now that we've established my crying habits...

This year brought change.
At first I was ticked.
Mad.
Felt cheated.
Angry.
Disappointed.
Hopeless - like nothing was going to help to make it better for a really long time, if ever.
Despondent.
Trapped. So trapped.
Like a woman regressed instead of pro-gressed.

You can see why I wasn't exactly counting the moments at first for 2008 to kick in. I felt that way pretty much from mid-November to mid December and then sought the Lord as to how I could possibly make lemonade. I needed a new recipe. You know what they say -- when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I had plenty of lemons but let's just say the sugar and water and a spoon to stir it were pretty much non-existent in my mind. I felt like God was saying, "And in 2008, I'm calling you to make the lemonade..." Gee thanks, God.

I found myself staring at responsibilities I didn't want, and dreaded getting up in the morning. When my friend Ada asked me how I felt I said, "Well, sort of like a 50 year old woman who finds out she's pregnant after she's raised all her kids. She now has to figure out a way to do all over again, a job she thought she had finished a bunch of years ago...and do it with joy and happiness somehow, for the kid's sake."

The good news is that seeking the Lord and His wisdom not to mention huge doses of grace can help us not only survive - but thrive. And that's exactly what happened with me.

Stormie O'Martian's book, Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On is one of my favorite in the whole world and she talks about this kind of thing quite a bit in the book. In fact, I find myself going back to this book again and again when I go through these kind of storms in my life. Omartian says this: "The wilderness is where we are forced to leave behind the familiar, the comfortable, the past successes, the accomplishments, and the old bag of tricks that always worked before. The wilderness is where God takes us when he wants to get Egypt out of our hearts. He wants to separate us from all that we crave, so that all we crave is Him. When God aims us in a new direction, we have to let go of what we've known, be willing to embrace the unfamiliar, and trust that he will sustain us on the journey."

It wasn't exactly that I was going into the unfamiliar, rather in my case I felt like I was regressing back to a part of my life that had long been over. But for some reason, it's exactly where God wants me. I don't understand it (still don't) but I choose to trust Him.

By the time 2008 was a week or two away I started to get excited. Despite changes I didn't understand, I knew God was bringing something good my way. I began to seek the good in every little and big thing around me. I begin to look for the "pops" as Luci Swindoll calls them - the little pops of joy that come in life as you go along - you have to catch them as they come and enjoy them for all they are worth. I began to embrace the change God was making in my life and not resent it.

As I surrendered to what is His purpose for me at this time in my life, there was a noticeable shift in everything around me. All of us affect so much more than we would ever realize...

Omartian says this, "when traveling in the wilderness, learn to seek the abundance of the moment. Ask God to open your eyes to all the blessings he has for you there. As you see each one, let them become a refreshing spring. Soak them into the dry pores of your soul, drink them into the parched areas of your spirit, praise Him for every one, and feel that solid ground at the center of His will."

So I started making a brand new recipe of lemonade. The first week or so my steps were small and tentative because I really didn't want to be in the kitchen but then I embraced it. And God started to bless my obedience. I've even started smiling and laughing while making the lemonade and actually looking forward to it. It's pretty amazing.

I share this today for those of you who are going through things you don't understand. If you are at that place of change where I found myself at mid-November and you wonder whether you should get out of bed today or tomorow, the answer is yes.

Please get up and turn on a Kirk Franklin CD to "My Life is In Your Hands"or "There's a Blessing in the Storm." Close your eyes and listen and realize, soon you will be able to ride down the street with your windows down singing Avalon's "New Day."

Really, I promise.

Why a woman should not always vote like her husband does

When I was first married, I was under the mistaken notion that it was only right that a wife would come into agreement on such things as voting along the same lines as her husband.

This extended for me to both the secular world of politics and also the church. Some people have no clue just how much the church really is politicized in so many ways. (And that's a part of ministry that I, for one, hate.)

So when we first married, I'm not sure where I got the idea (not from the Bible) but I figured that Larry and I should come into agreement on the issues of voting. It's important to note that Larry never put this expectation on me. I had put it on myself! How silly of me!

Early on in our ministry I learned the biggest lesson EVER about this. It was our first senior pastorate and the annual business meeting was coming up, which meant board election/ratification. Larry had to nominate a few names for election. One man whose name was on the list, I was very uncomfortable with. I told Larry privately, "honey, I believe that man is trouble." Larry felt that the man was in many ways the lesser of some other evils, and the best choice all things considered. So, reluctantly, he wanted that man to get voted in. When looking back I realize my husband was a young man trapped in a horrible situation.

At that time I felt that to support my husband, I should, when the election came up that night, cast my ballot on behalf of this man. My thinking was, "Larry really wants this man, so it's only right for me to direct my vote that way to help it happen, even if I don't feel it in my heart." Although my heart told me "no", when the ballot was passed out, I confess - I didn't even pray about it when the direction was given to bow our heads and pray beforehand - I just checked his name, knowing it was what Larry would want.

That choice would prove to be one of my worst ever. That man became one of my husband's worst nightmares and his demise in that church as it's pastor! He was evil. (We only stayed there 8 months, it was such an abusive environment, and this man contributed much to that.) Here's the amazing thing...

After elections and such, it's the norm for the tellers to give the ballots to the church secretary or pastor and they either keep them on file or destroy them. (They are anonymous of course, just used ballots.) My husband had the stack of ballots and looked through them, and can you believe that that man got elected by...............................................

ONE VOTE.

One lousy vote, ladies and gentlemen. And for all intents and purposes, it was mine. I kicked myself emotionally, over and over for that decision. By voting my heart and not what I felt was my "duty" as a wife, I could have possibly spared my husband a lot of pain. Make no mistake, this man was only one of several who caused the problem, however having him off the board would definitely not have been a bad idea.

Here's what I have learned. Your husband doesn't have the complete corner on wisdom and discernment, nor anything else in your marriage. A partnership is valuable because both partners contribute something. In many cases, a wife can see something a husband can't. (or vice versa) There are times a wife senses something -- whether it be with another woman or a situation like I had with that board member, and although your husband doesn't see it yet -- you do.

This is part of being a helpmate. If your husband could see or do all this without you, you would not be necessary. I'm so glad my husband believes I have "a beautiful mind" (as he's fond of telling me) and that he doesn't get threatened or feel like less of a man if I actually USE IT!

Also, do not be deceived. Despite what I've read on some websites and periodicals, the Bible doesn't expect you to "vote as your husband does or abstain."

Regarding secular politics...we just had the primary here in Florida and Larry and I went and voted. It wasn't until later at night after supper that we talked about it and even told each other who we voted for! We had discussed the issues for weeks but never made up our minds about it til' we both voted. If we disagree, the politics do not divide us.

Even among husband and wife, it's a decision that must be prayerfully made and respected by both as each other's right to do as they feel in their heart.

One thing is for sure -- I will never, never vote out of some sense of wifely duty again. Before I answer to a husband, I answer to God and voting whether in the community, state, nation, district or church is something I pray to God about, not my husband.

Why every parent should send their child to kids camp & youth camp

This is my next post in the "Things I've learned in 20 years of marriage and 18 years of parenting" series.

One thing that Larry and I decided even before we had children 18 years ago was that they would always, without exception, participate in camps. They never had a choice. No option. No voice in the matter. We felt strongly about camps when we were youth pastors because of how they had affected us in our own lives, and we always put a high priority on camp when we youth pastored. But when we began to senior pastor, nothing changed in this regard - we have always placed a high priority on camp for our children and the children of the church we pastor - and we always will.

Now, please note - we've never had to "enforce" the rule of camp attendance because they all three love it! But if the time ever came where we had to do that we would. Also, we have had to make many family sacrifices in order to do camp. But whether or not to "do camp"is NEVER a question in our minds.

Just how committed are we to this? Well, let me tell you...

A few years ago was my husband's 20th high school reunion. He was all excited. My husband has great memories of high school and he couldn't wait to go back. Then he found out...it was the same week of Pen-Florida teen camp! Our hearts sunk. The events overlapped by just a day. We needed to leave for Pittsburgh for the reunion on Thursday morning, yet the boys would not be finished with camp until Friday. And we feel very strongly that they receive the full camp experience. Nothing comes before camp. Not a job. Not school. Not work. NOTHING.

Well...we started thinking creatively. We knew that the kids not going to camp simply wasn't an option. So, we had a family meeting and prayerfully developed our strategy. We sent our boys to teen camp with the youth group and then my husband, Savanna and I packed the van and headed to Pittsburgh. The boys experienced camp and on the day camp was over, the youth pastor drove them to the airport, put them on a plane to Pittsburgh and we picked them up where they joined us for vacation.

In addition to the cost of camp that year, we had to foot the bill for two plane tickets from Tampa to Pittsburgh, and they had to fly to Pittsburgh with all those messy clothes from camp and I had a lot of dirty laundry to do when they got there, but was it worth it? YOU BET. ABSOLUTELY.

Years ago when we were pastoring another church and living on the poverty level, our district (the Potomac District) had a capital campaign for the camp. We were practically so poor we couldn't pay attention, but when they had that campaign, Larry and I both felt VERY strongly that we give a generous offering for it. This was a very significant gift for us at the time, paid out over several years time. In the natural, it would have seemed crazy to some people had we told them we were giving to this because at times had it not been for my mother in law's help we would have never even had basic essentials like school supplies for the children. But when our superintendent talked about this campaign, Larry and I were immediately united in our desire to give. You see, I do believe that when you sow a seed, you can aim it.

Without getting too Copeland-Hagin on you here, let me explain what I believe that means.

Every seed has an assignment. An apple seed will produce apples. An orange seed will produce oranges. So when you sow a seed, I believe you can give it an assignment and tell the Lord what you are aiming it at when you give an offering above and beyond your tithe and believe God for an increase. At the time, I could have given that seed and said, "God, just bring us an increase in finances so we can buy the kids school clothes...", or, "Lord, you know Larry and I haven't had the money to go away together in so long..." but Larry and I both felt united in purpose that we would give this as a seed that not only would thousands of other children be changed through the camp experience, but that God would touch, change, bless and increase our three children. Nothing is more important to me than my children's walk with the Lord - not school, vacation, or any other pursuits we could have in life.

We paid our pledge toward the camp for two years and every time I wrote the check I prayed, "Lord, touch our children...keep them for your glory..." Even after we moved to another state and began pastoring our church here and our kids started attending camp in Florida I realized, location mattered not - for we had planted a seed and God could give the increase anywhere!

Camp is unlike any other experience your child will ever have. Did you know a majority of our Assemblies of God ministers received a call or a confirmation of a call at a children's or teen camp?

Miracles happen at camp.

Friendships are forever formed at camp.

Spiritually life changing decisions are made at camp.

Healings occur at camp.

The Holy Spirit comes in a powerful way at camp.

Memories are made at camp.

I'm so glad that a few years ago, we didn't say, "oh, let's just skip camp this year and go to the reunion..." because true to form, God showed up at camp. Our son received a real breakthrough that year, more than any other. That seed that we sowed in Maryland began to produce fruit here in Florida.

Some people say, "Our church is alive with the power of God - my kids don't need camp." Well, our church has the power of God too and we have miracles, signs and wonders occuring. I don't need my kids to go to camp to see a miracle. But in spite of going to a church where the power and presence of God is working, there is still something different about the camp experience. And Larry and I don't want them to miss it!

As I close this post today, there is no better testimony that I can give of what I have shared today than to share with you my son's own words. After I had written this post, Dustin gave me a paper (without knowing the topic of my post) that he had written for his college English class this past week. He wanted me to proofread it before he turned it in. I had no idea that he was writing about camp at the same time I was! After reading this I asked his permission to include it here on my blog and told him I had, in fact, just written about the value of camp.

I know I'm biased, but I think there is no finer boy on the face of the earth than my dear son. He loves the Lord and serves Him wholeheartedly. I'm so glad we sowed that seed years ago in Maryland, toward his future which has unfolded here in Florida. Alright, Here we go...

My Camp Experience

By Dustin Michael Shrodes

It is sometimes said that when a very bad event occurs in a person’s life something is triggered in their brain, and they block out the memory of what happened. Since I was young I always had the feeling I was being judged harshly for everything that I did, and a large part of this is because I am pastor’s son.

For a majority of my life I blocked out all of those memories of the harsh words I received from people for no reason, and all of the punishments I received alongside those words. The second I allowed myself to unblock all of the memories and think about everything that happened, was one of the most important times in my life. Because of Pen-Florida Assemblies of God Youth Camp I was able to get through the feelings I failed to realize even existed.

Every year I attended a summer camp which was intended to aid me in forgetting everything going on in my life and give me an enjoyable week. But Pen-Florida Assemblies of God Youth Camp in 2006 had the exact opposite effect, and I loved it. Something big happened because of the getaway that camp provided. I forgave all of the people who made assumptions and judgments about me just because of my father’s occupation. In my head I held a grudge against all the people who treated me badly, a grudge that lasted a long time and gave me a very negative viewpoint.

When I gave myself time to think, and time to talk to my friend Stephen about how I felt, things started happening. I suddenly remembered in vivid detail all of the events that brought me down and I cried like a baby. The tears that I thought caused weakness ultimately brought me strength. I had held back thoughts of the past for so long that when I finally released them it gave me a peace beyond measure. I learned how to let go of all my thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. I learned how to get over failed relationships, and through mentors who had walked out on me, and then work through the anger I built towards both of those issues.

Having some of my other friends open up and explain that they were dealing with similar feelings helped me realize that I wasn’t alone. I was led to believe that I had to put on this mask of masculinity; that if I ever showed an emotional side, or said how I felt about something it meant I was acting like a little girl. To me that was a very crucial stage in my life, and that whole week changed my perspective on so many things. I never took the time to think about how I felt about pretty simple things. The mind is a powerful thing, and Pen-Florida youth camp freed mine from being enslaved.

The week I spent at Camp may not have been the best week of my life, but really they were some of the most essential days I have lived. Aside from the fact that I learned how to get out my feelings, I learned that I wasn’t alone in the things I felt and circumstances that I went through. This experience strengthened friendships and created bonds that could not be broken with a thousand swords. Camp didn’t just give my mind a freedom it needed so much, but it gave me friends to share my thoughts with. It changed my life and without it there is no way I would be the same person I am today.

Our Casey

This is Casey, our son Dustin's girlfriend - in her new senior portrait. I know anybody in our lives here in Tampa knows her but for those who are our friends/fam/acquaintences from across the miles...

here is the love of Dustin's life besides Jesus and his Momma, of course. (SMILE) I thought all of you would enjoy seeing her picture. She's such a joy to our family and we thank God for her.

Today's happenings

Still taking a break from my blog series to just write about my day for all of you who sit on the edge of your seat waiting to hear about it! LOL

I got up this morning at the crack of dawn as usual. I had trouble sleeping last night as has been customary for me for a while. I am not really sure why. I know it's not my "emotions" as in anxiety or something because if I'm happy I have a hard time sleeping just the same as if I'm sad. It just "is what it is" in this season of my life, I guess.

Got to church and had a packed rehearsal right up til the last minute. Church went well except for two mistakes, one big one which was mine. I hate mistakes. Let's talk about that for a minute.

People say, "don't worry about 'mistakes' at church, it's all just about worshipping God and Him moving.'" Mistakes aren't made when God chooses to do something different in a service and He moves in a different way. When God moves it is never a mistake. I don't care if God wants to throw everything out the window that is planned on HIS ACCOUNT but if it's just a stupid mistake on MY ACCOUNT that has nothing to do with God, then it makes me pretty upset.

When I make a mistake, not just with the service but with anything, I commit not to make that particular mistake again. My husband always tells the staff, "don't be afraid to make mistakes. I'm not upset that you make mistakes - only if you don't care about it and you make the same mistake TWICE."

So it's my commitment not to make the same mistake twice. So today I really botched up the second intro of a song and it really was bad...

I won't do that again. I've kicked myself over it all day but I'm done now. The other mistake wasn't mine and I can't control it, so I just have to let it go and hope for the best next time.

Other than that it was a good day. We went to lunch at LaTerasita with Ruiz's, Mackleys and Currie's. Good times. I looovvee their cafe con leche!!!

I came home and got under the covers and went to sleep til right up until time to leave for choir. Had choir rehearsal tonight and I think it went well. The choir is really, really coming along well I think.

Jordan drove home and we stopped by the store to get some things I need for suppers this week and now I'm sacked out in bed typing this and watching the Grammy's with Larry.

Oh, if I could just have a body like Tina Turner. The women is 69 and she looks better than many 20 year olds. She is smokin' hot. Here she is singing next to Beyonce and is every bit as in shape as her. My, my my. I need to get back to seriously working out. That's all there is to it.

Larry and I tag team preached this morning, a message entitled, "Will you be my valentine? Four Realizations about Love and Relationships" and one of my points was avoiding the comparison trap. I know, I know - we shouldn't compare, I preached it and I believe it. However it is hard, I must admit, to look at a 69 year old woman's thighs and wonder why yours don't look better than hers at 41. Something must be done...in the name of Jesus. Amen.

p.s. um, please don't send me a vitriolic e-mail about praying over my thighs in the name of Jesus...I don't seriously mean it. Are you laughing yet, Leanne? (oh, and. Deborah - vitriolic means scathing. Um, and scathing means, well...negative, mean, critical... LOL ....I love you dolla! Can't help it, I'm also in love with words... )

Do Doctrines Matter?

I'm taking a break momentarily to comment on something that has me very concerned, and that is the wave of people who seem to think doctrine really doesn't matter in their decision of what church to attend, or to even be on staff at - as long as it meets other perceived needs in their life.

I personally consider doctrine to be of paramount importance in deciding upon a church home and it disturbs me that many, many people today do not base their decision on this whatsoever or consider it inconsequential. God has called us to hold fast to what we believe.

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work (II Timothy 3:10-17).

Now if you don't BELIEVE it anymore, that's one thing. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not saying things like worship or ministries offered or things like that aren't important, but I just can't imagine being a part of a church where I was not on the same page as far as core doctrines.

I realize one should not stereotype people (and I make such an effort not to do that) but I think some --though not all -- of this thinking comes from those who are referred to as emergents or postmoderns.

Take Rob Bell, for instance. His teaching is often classified as postmodernism. He does not believe that all answers can be found in “Scripture alone”. “Brickianity” is the term he uses to describe churches that emphasize doctrine. He says that doctrines should be more like springs, helping people jump joyfully into God.

That sounds good but truly I think it's a load of crap.

There are many, many (too many to count) people I am personally associated with who I know are Pentecostal believers who are now attending churches and even becoming members, lay-ministers, and even full time staff members at churches that are not Pentecostal, hold a belief in eternal security, and much more. I have to shake my head and say, "how?" Okay, so if you truly do not hold Pentecostal beliefs, fine. If you truly believe in eternal security, great. If you truly believe whatever it is that this particular church espouses doctrinally, wonderful. I'm not talking about those who honestly agree with those doctrines. If you don't hold these doctrines, then please by all means do not "hold fast to them." But if you do, what in the world are you doing becoming a member, a lay minister or staff member of a church who doesn't hold fast to the Biblical truths that YOU believe in YOUR HEART?

I do ask myself HOW they can manage to walk away from their true core beliefs, and compromise as such - but I don't have to ask WHY. In most of their cases, they state why.

It could be that this happened to be the church that offered them a paying job.
Their kids like the youth group there.
They like the "relevance of the messages"...
or "talks" as some call them. LOL
They believe in "the vision of the pastor"
The media is out of this world
The worship is hot
3,000 people can't be flocking there for nothing...
yada yada yada...somethin' must be working for them....etc. etc.

BUT........

have we really gotten to a place where doctrine counts for so little? What is doctrine? The definition of doctrine is a set of beliefs. So when people walk away from that are they essentially saying, "my core beliefs don't matter. What does matter is this hot music." Or, "my beliefs don't matter. What does matter is, my kids think the youth group is phenomenal. Or, "what I really believe in my heart doesn't matter - as long as I'm getting paid."

I do not merely speak of those who agree with my doctrines, but those who also believe differently than I do. I believe if you are a Baptist and truly - honestly - hold the core beliefs that Baptists hold - then to become part of a fellowship that does not believe as you do, would be compromising your beliefs. Why do any of us sell out so easily? Why do people so quickly trade what they BELIEVE for what they FEEL?

I have read articles by postmoderns that say that we need to be "humble" and have an open mind to question everything we believe. Well yes, I certainly believe we should be free to question and search out what we believe. Absolutely. But there comes a time when you must be convinced of truth. And I haven't read a bunch of scripture that says, "hey folks, just be flexible from day to day in what you believe..." but instead I read a whole bunch of stuff calling us to STAND FIRM. In throwing out doctrine and staying 'flexible' from day to day on what we think the Bible is saying, I don't see that as humility but stupidity.

No, I'm not talking about just visiting another church. I'm not talking about "fellowshipping." Please don't misunderstand. I'm talking about becoming an intrical part - a member of a church or staffer.

Emergents or postmoderns many times want to downplay (or in some cases do away with) doctrines because they "cause division". The fact is, we must STAND FOR SOMETHING or we'll FALL FOR ANYTHING.

The church in America is not in trouble because we are holding too tightly to scripture. We are, in many cases, falling apart because we aren't holding on tight enough.

Again, I stand amazed that many believers are becoming members or even staff members of churches where in their heart of hearts, they do not agree with the core doctrines of said church (and don't give me the crapola that "well, they are non-denominational"...LOOK AT THEIR STATEMENT OF FAITH or their "what we believe" part of their website or church brochure. Most end up having to post this because enough people ask for it and they can't be so ambiguous anymore to just call themselves a "follower of Jesus." or a "disciple".) If what we believe is so unimportant, then why go to church at all? The thing is, when people who feel like I do on this issue bring anything like this up, you will sometimes quickly be dismissed by people who say, "Oh, it doesn't matter - we're all going to be in heaven together anyway!" While we may all be in heaven together, and praise God for it, does that mean these issues mean absolutely nothing on earth? I don't think it can so quickly and easily be dismissed.

Does it line up with the tenets of faith that you believe?

If some people have truly changed WHAT THEY HONESTLY BELIEVE, then it's not so much the issue I am thinking is there, but if not...if they still hold certain biblical truths in their hearts yet walk away from serving in a fellowship that espouses those beliefs...it's very difficult for me have any respect left for them at all.

Susan ~ the gift that keeps on giving

I meant to post this Wednesday night when I got home from church but forgot to download the photos...

Susan has such a gift of giving. More than anything ~ and most importantly ~ she gives of herself...as a servant. Many people have no idea that until she came to the church I arrived very early every Wednesday night to get many things little things (which add up to a bunch of big things) ready in the main service. Susan is an incredibly valuable "behind the scenes" servant. Once she came, she decided to help me in any way she could -- she wanted to do anything she could to serve. At first I do have to admit I was a little overwhelmed by it! But I soon got to see over the months that she was truly genuine and pure hearted.

Susan shows up very early every Wednesday and has everything set to go when I get there. It takes a lot off of my shoulders. She does anything I need her to do -- from dishes, to candles, to washing and setting out mine and Pastor's water glasses every single service, she's there. She comes early to Sunday School, makes sure I have a fresh cup of coffee before I start teaching, takes care of attendance, Every pastor needs a Susan. She's a detail person. She has the "ministry of helps." What would I do without her?

She's also a gift giver. She gets such delight in giving gifts. I own a zillion watches and almost all of them are from Susan. She knows how much I love them.

The other night she pulled out a gift bag - it was an "early Valentine gift' as she calls it. Upon opening I saw it was an entire Moonlight Path collection. Have I told you readers before -- I LOVE bath and body works moonlight path? When I take a Moonlight Path bubble bath, just the smell of the bath preparing as the water is running lifts me to another place.

Susan got me the entire collection -- down to the moonlight path candle, air freshner...you name it, it's there. She also threw in some Dove chocolates that she knows I love as well as some rum raisin colored lip gloss that she knows I like too. She thinks of everything. :-) So thoughtful.

I was so excited, I pulled everything out and put it on the altar and grabbed my camera to take a photo. (This was after church when it was just her and I in the building.) I love my new little Moonlight Path collection. I couldn't wait to set everything up when I got home.

Thank you, Susan! I love you! You are one of God's precious gifts to me and someone who makes me smile, without fail, each and every week just by your presence and your faithful service to God, His church and your pastors.

Ow!

I'm really glad I went to the dentist Friday to do something about this tooth because by now it's really, really hurting.

It's going to be a while til' he can fix it, February 22 to be exact. I am stuck with this cracked tooth until then except hopefully the infection and swelling will go away. I need to go through the antibiotics plus he didn't have an open appointment block to take care of both procedures I need to have at once.

So, I'm really glad I have these medications.

I will never forget my dental check up again.

Hangin' with John

So we went to dinner tonight with the Watson's to a place in Tampa we hadn't been to yet -- Grille 116. It was awesome. I LOVED IT. Probably THE most incredible grouper I've had since living in Tampa. We had a terrific time and at the table right next to us was...John Gruden.

Must be something about going out with the Watson's that this happens. Last time we ate with them we were at a table right next to Derek Jeter.

Now if we could just arrange it for me at the next restaurant that we were sitting next to...Amy Grant?

So that explains it...

Have you heard of the book God Uses Cracked Pots, by Pasty Clairmont? I love Pasty...I think she's a really neat lady. Well, she's right...God uses cracked pots and cracked people in more ways than one.

Yes I know, some people probably think I'm mentally cracked at times (they're probably right in some instances) but this time I'm truly physically cracked. The dull headache I've had for weeks now makes sense.

I have a way of pushing pain aside, taking two Excedrin and pushing through my day and my work, ignoring pain. It catches up with me at times. I can't count how many times I've been admonished by one of my friends, "God wants you to listen to your body..." I have a horrible way of turning a deaf ear to it.

Sometimes it starts screaming at me for attention. The other night as the close of work came, my head was hurting terribly in what started as a dull ache around my jaw and neck and I went to bed early and said to myself, "you know, I'm overdue for my dentist appointment...maybe that's it..." So I called Lia from the dentist office the next morning and scheduled an appointment. I said, "I'm not sure what a toothache feels like, but I think maybe I have one..."

Today was the first she could get me in. So far it hasn't exactly been "Fun Friday" at least the first half of it. I went to the dentist this morning and sat there an hour waiting to get in and then when I got in, sat there in the chair for the next hour listening to the dentist and his assistant them tell me everything that was wrong and why they can't fix it today.

• One of my fillings started to come out.


• The same tooth is now cracked.


• The gum around it is very swollen.


• It is also very infected.


• They can't work on it today - must take antibiotics to take some of the infection away, then they will clean it out, put a crown on it and give me a cleaning.

• How in the world didn't I realize this, they wonder? Um, well, I guess I did realize something was not quite right, I just didn't think it was anything that crucial.

So there...that explains this dull ache in my head that I've had for weeks and the fact that I've gone through a couple of bottles of Excedrin.

The dentist said, "you need painkillers for this..." So he gave me some Vicodin to help with the pain until he can go in and crown the tooth. They were surprised I put up with it and didn't come in sooner but it's this darn habit I have of minimizing whatever I feel at times and just continuing on with my schedule. I have been so good for five years now at keeping all my appointments like clock work for regular doctor checkups, mammos, paps, AND dentist appts. Five years ago I really changed in putting my health appointments as a priority and I've kept up with it, except for my last 6 month dental. As I said the other day, it's so important that we take care of ourselves and don't ask anyone's permission.

The truth is, I did keep all of my other my regular doctor visits for the year. But in the midst of dealing with Dustin's MRSA, Larry's shoulder OP, and all of my getting ready for Africa with shots and medications, I let my 6th month dentist appointment checkup slip. One little slip up. That was all. One little slip up. And now I'm paying for it big time. Ughhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That'll preach. You know, one little slip up is all it takes to get ourselves in a great big jam. We can't compromise on even one little thing because it can lead to something so painful and regrettable.

Not only does this HURT, but it's going to set me back a few hundred dollars that could have gone for...a lot of other stuff. Oh well, you live and learn.

Let me encourage you today my friends...please learn from MY mistakes. Please do not put off your checkups, even one can really make a difference. My dentist could have caught this before it cracked all the way and it never would have even had to get infected were I not so caught up in my schedule of other things and skipped my appt.

Excuse me while I go get my Vicodin and try to feel better so that Larry and I can go on our Fun Friday date tonight. We're going on a double date with Drs. Patrick and Rosemay to a new place. Fun! (Um, I don't think I'm going to let her know I let the appt. with the dentist slip...I'll really get a scolding. She really doesn't have to know does she, especially since I did keep my regular check up appointment with her like a good little patient...)

Why you shouldn't compare your husband to an appliance, a food or a planet

WARNING: Long diatribe ahead.

In the list of things I've learned in twenty years of marriage, at the top would be that...

Larry is not a microwave,
he is not Mars,
nor is he a waffle.

Larry is my husband. Larry is a PERSON. Larry is a UNIQUE GIFT FROM GOD. He is a wonder, all His own.

SECOND WARNING: some of this post might be TMI to some of you. If you are one of the people who have thought some of my blogs were too personal in the past, then you might want to move past this one. Just thought I'd put that up front so as to save you the energy of a negative comment. :-) You could take this time instead and go read Daily Bread devotional on line or the latest news on Christianity Today and spare yourself the agony of reading about my personal life. Okay, now on with it.

Is it just me or has pop psychology invaded the church at an alarming rate? I get irritated that some of today's Christian authors and even some pastors want to ram down the throats of today's people a bunch of theories that are:

1) Not really in the Bible ... or

2) Very, very, very (did I say very?) loosely supported by the scripture. I believe it's fine to share your opinion and say that it is such. But to claim some things as "THUS SAITH THE LORD" when it's just your theories on men, women, marriage or really anything is sorta questionable at best.

This applies to a lot of things but at the top of my list would be that according to some, Larry is from Mars while I'm from Venus. (I know, that particular book wasn't written by a Christian author, HOWEVER, the book has been so liberally quoted by many people in Christian marriage seminars, and church events/services and even whole messages preached on it by some.) I speak at a lot of churches besides my own throughout the year and most times before service I'm waiting in the pastor's office or joining them for prayer and nine times out of ten as I'm browsing their bookshelves in their office - which is something I love to do - I find the Mars/Venus book. My point is simply this - you can find many good things in non-Christian books and I see nothing wrong with that, HOWEVER, at the same time, let's not get up and announce that "God made it this way" or that. Then a few short years later came the fact that supposedly men are waffles and women are spaghetti. WHAT?! I'm sorry, please don't reduce me to a piece of pasta and my husband to a piece of grilled bread. It must have been a slow year in the publishing industry is all I gotta say.

My friend Pastor Leanne Weber is one of the funniest people I know and she also agrees with me wholeheartedly on this subject. I laughed so hard when she told me when she and her husband Patrick got married they got a bunch of these books as gifts and any that didn't contain a person message in them, she regifted or sent to Half Price Books and made money off of them. (LOL)

I've attended marriage conferences where the teachers have proclaimed, "everyone needs to realize that sexually God made men to be microwaves and all women are crockpots..." Okay, sometimes true, but not completely or always true. While it may be true at times, you cannot make that stereotypical assumption across the board, or across the bed, as the case may be. There are times Larry is not feeling like the aggressive or fast paced one when it comes to sex, and before he can even get undressed, I'm tearing into him like a wild tigress. Usually he's praising God for it, not going, "wait a minute...STOP...God ordained you to be my little microwave..." I have a woman friend I was sitting beside in a marriage seminar once and we were listening to the conference speakers as they gave this whole spiel and talked about all of us being crockpots, and my friend leaned over to me and said, "well, I guess they have no idea that I can go from zero to an orgasm in about 90 seconds!" We cracked up over it but the truth is, ALL WOMEN ARE NOT ALIKE. Each one of us is a unique gift fashioned and shaped by God Himself.

Every woman doesn't need 30 minutes of foreplay in order to have an orgasm.

Larry and I sat in a marriage seminar one time where the teacher confidently declared: "men, when it comes to your sex life, please realize that simultaneous climax just never happens in a marriage." Oh really? I guess I should consider my sex life a miracle then! So, what happens if two microwaves are in a marriage? Does that means you're in a microsexual marriage? (Couldn't resist, LOL)

I have to be honest with you that one reason I have prayed that my husband would live to a very old age and that we would be married until "death do us part" is because I never want to have to face the possibility of getting married to someone else. Why? Because MEN ARE NOT THE SAME. They are all different. They are all unique. I don't want to have to learn to communicate with a new one -- emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially...I like what I've got...I know Him, and I'm sticking with Him til' the end, at least that is my desire that God would grant me all those years with him.

I honestly believe in my heart that when you get remarried, you don't necessarily bring all that experience in with you to the next marriage simply because you are not married to the same person anymore. It's never good to compare. Really, how many of you have heard of someone getting mad because "my husband/wife always compares me to their ex or brings up the past with them..." whether good or bad. Honestly, they don't want to hear about that because...they aren't the ex! Note to anyone dating right now: please don't talk about your ex incessently to your new love interest. It really doesn't endear you to them whether the relationship was good or bad.

When it comes to the physical, people have asked me before, if I think people with a lot of prior sexual experience have an advantage in marriage. NO. Absolutely not. Why? Because having a deep connection sexually is all about TRUST and FAMILIARITY and knowing the UNIQUENESS of your partner. That doesn't happen in a week, a month or even in a few short years. Honestly, if Larry passed away and I married someone else, I'd be going back to "marriage kindergarten" as I call it. When it comes to sex, I'd be back to "sexual kindergarten". Why? BECAUSE NO TWO PEOPLE ARE ALIKE AND I'D HAVE SOMEONE NEW TO LEARN ALL OVER AGAIN. What about this do so many people who seem to be craving stereotypes more than a hot fudge sundae not understand?

What about communication? Contrary to some, every woman doesn't want to hear the same words from her husband or receive the same gifts or actions. Not to quote another Christian psych book, but just to make one point - if we were all the same, why would we have so many different 'love languages?" For instance, the greatest thing I like to hear Larry tell me is that I'm smart. When he says, "you have a beautiful mind", it lights me up inside. (One of my favorite songs is, "My Baby's Got a Beautiful Mind" by Jo List!) I love it when he tells me I have a beautiful mind more than if he were to say, "you have the most beautiful body" or even if he were to bring me flowers. I'd rather him compliment my mind. I know that might be odd, but that's me. You say, "Deanna, that's not what I feel. I'm different. I want the flowers from my husband..."

MY POINT EXACTLY. ALL WOMEN ARE NOT THE SAME. PLEASE STOP STEREOTYPING US.

Honestly, I get more turned on when my husband takes out the garbage than when he brings me flowers. I like flowers, but I love "acts of service". That's my #1 "love language", not just from my spouse but from anybody in my life - my kids, my friends, etc.

We are not cookie cutters. What part of Psalm 139 don't these Christian writers and teachers understand? Some more things I really wish these Christian writers would stop propogating;

Every man does not want a motorcycle.

Every man doesn't want to skydive.

Every man does not watch football and disappear into his own world everytime the NFL season starts.

Every man is not even sports oriented.

Every man is not clueless in the kitchen or changing a baby's diaper.

Every man does not want to do dangerous stuff and bring himself to the edge of death and back again just for a thrill.

Every woman does not want to be a mother. For that matter, every woman doesn't even want to be a wife.

All women do not hate sports. I have women friends who are just a fanatical about sports as my husband is!

Every man does not dislike musicals, flowers, or wonder why there are kleenex boxes at the altar at church.

For crying out loud, can we get rid of the stereotypes and let people be who God has created them to be? Can you see how believing stereotypes hook line and sinker, and especially believing them to be "ordained by God" could lead people into massive communication problems in their relationships?

What if my husband assumes that I want what he has been told EVERY WOMAN wants. He gives me that, yet I end up feeling confused or very unloved. Maybe instead of trying to find out what WOMEN want, he needs to find out what I want as HIS woman....his unique woman. Honestly ladies, I love flowers but if Larry brought me flowers every single day but never ever helped me around the house, deep in my heart I would feel very unloved. I don't give a rip that 2,562,052 other women might have been proven to want the flowers more. That's them. I'm me.

Please, please, stop lumping me into a category or a "role". I'm not a role. I'm not a category. I'm a human being.

Some people are so desperate to understand the person they are married to, but they do everything but ASK them what makes them happy. How many people have ever thought to just say, "darling, what makes you happiest? What would you most like to receive from me? If I could say anything to you that would lift you up to the highest of heights, what would it be? If I could touch you in such a way that would make you the most satisfied person in the world, what would that be? Tell me. Show me..." God is the only person we can get to know by reading a book. (His Word) There is no Bible of Larry. To get to know my man, I have to do one of two things - read what God's Word says about him or talk to Him directly - not try to find out what the other billions of men on the planet want.

My friend Pastor Leanne has also blogged about this subject and she says the following: "Why can't John Eldredge, Brad Stine, and all the rest just let our men be who they are? Who came up with the definition of what a man or a woman is "supposed to" be? I prayed for a husband who was not a sports fan...who did not go out hunting and fishing...someone who would be my companion and enjoy the same things I enjoyed. And God gave that man to me. Of course we have some separate interests - we are not clones of each other!! But so stinkin' what if my husband likes to watch ice dancing with me? Who really cares if directing a theatrical production fills him with more adrenaline than attending a football game? What skin is it off anyone's nose? He's exactly what I asked God for, and I, for one, would not be happy if he went to a "Godmen" or "Promise Keepers" rally and came back all excited about going fishing with the boys!" (To read more of Pastor Leanne's stuff, go here.)

Larry loves fishing and football, however I'm glad he also loves Broadway shows. My unique "one in a million man" is crazy about the show Grease, and I even bought him a Grease script a few years ago for Christmas! Larry has been to see Grease about 17 times, no exaggeration. He took me to Beauty and the Beast in New York and it was HIS idea! I'm glad I'm married to a man who likes to wear pink at times and isn't a bit afraid to do so. I'm married to a man who is an incredible cook. And not just on the grill either. My incomparable man can make homemade mashed potatoes better than anyone. My extraordinary man has a party punch recipe that should be famous. My distinct man actually likes and prefers when I lead sometimes. He is not threatened by us actually... (gasp) sharing leadership! By the way, in case you've never met Larry and you are wondering...he's not the least bit gay, nor feminine.

I'm glad I'm married to a man who understands that sometimes I want to be the sexual aggressor and yes, sometimes I find a 5 minute quickie perfectly satisfying and that doesn't make me some kind of weird freak. What does that make me? A UNIQUE WOMAN CREATED IN THE IMAGE OF GOD.

You know I'm getting so fired up as I write this (because i feel so strongly about it) that I'm tempted to go out to the kitchen and smash my crock pot into a bunch of pieces and throw it away a symbolic gesture!!!!!!

Nah...I really do use it way too much to do that....

When you look at your spouse, please look at them...really LOOK at them...and realize that you possess something no one else in the world does. When they made your spouse, they broke the mold.

My request to my husband is this...please...don't tag me, box me in, or label me. Just love me for who I am uniquely and I'll do the same for you.

Let's please find some new things to compare ourselves to. How about this - I believe the correct assumption biblically to make would be this one:

ALL MEN ARE SNOWFLAKES.

ALL WOMAN ARE SNOWFLAKES.

No two alike.

Why it's important to take care of yourself after you're married

Robin McGraw in her book Inside My Heart says, "God means for me to be an advocate for myself, both in my marriage and every other aspect of my life."

I strongly believe this. There's an old saying, "to thine own self be true." I believe if you are not being a good friend to yourself, it will show up in your marriage, and in every other aspect of your life.

Some people believe that a good marriage is based on the principle that a woman selflessly sacrifices everything for her husband and children, to the detriment of herself. While I'm not opposed to sacrifice and have certainly done so for my family, I do believe there is a limit. We have to stay healthy - spiritually, physically and emotionally or we will not be what we need to be for ourselves or our family.

Luke 10:27 and 28 says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself. Notice the Bible says that we are to love ourselves. Until we love ourselves we are not truly able to love others with the depth of love that God has ordained for us. Part of loving ourselves is having self respect and treating ourselves as worthy of love and care.

I love Robin McGraw's book because this is a theme woven throughout the book. She goes on to say, "I realized that loving your family and neglecting yourself are not the same thing; that, in fact, if a woman truly loves her family, she must not and will not neglect herself."

While we as women are to respect our husbands, we are also to respect ourselves. Respect is something that should go all the way around in a relationship - I need to respect my husband, he needs to respect me, and we both need to have a healthy dose of self respect.

There are times, I do not do as my husband wants me to do. (What??? Shock!!!) If it is going to be harmful to me personally, I exercise my right to say no. While my husband doesn't ask me to do unreasonable things all the time, I do reserve the right to say no if he does ask for something that would be harmful to my spiritual, emotional or physical health. God has entrusted me with myself- to be a good steward and to care about myself enough to say "no" sometimes when it's best.

I don't ask my husband if it's alright if I make a doctor or dentist appointment for me. I just do it.

It's not up to him if I'm going to have my prayer time, or take some quiet time to myself. I just do it.

Certainly I meet my husband's sexual needs (and his wants too!) however, if I'm sick I would exercise the right to say that it would be better at a later time and expect him to respect that. (Let it go on record that I do believe if either spouse is not sick they should always meet the sexual needs of their spouse. However I have known some really bad husbands --not mine thankfully! -- who don't care about the well being of their wives and have even forced them. Translation: raped them.

I don't ask my husband for "permission" to purchase basic things that are needed for my health or hygiene or spend the time that I need in order to take care of myself properly. This is part of stewardship that God expects of me.

Now please understand - I don't have a husband who is trying or has tried in some way to stop me, or harm me! Not at all. However my point is this - I would never let him if he tried. I believe many women have never made a conscious decision to respect themselves and be an advocate for themselves and therefore they get trapped in a downward spiral of self disrespect and "letting themselves go."

Some people think that being a Christian wife means you do as you are told, never question anything, put yourself last, ask permission for everything, say no to nothing, etc. That's not true. God called you to be someone's partner, not their slave or their child. You are called to walk beside your husband, not behind him.

Should we practice being selfless in our relationships, especially in our marriage? Yes. But to the point of neglecting ourselves? No. The best partner is one who respects themselves and expects their partner to do the same. One of the best things about having healthy self respect is that it makes you more attractive for your partner.

In Bible times, women prepared for months in beautification rituals for their husbands. Read the story in the Bible about Queen Esther and King Zerxes. The King asked for all of the women to be brought together to undergo beauty treatments so that he could select his queen. They were taken to the palace and prepared for 12 months -- six in frankincense, and six in myrrh. I look at it that Larry is the king of this house and I'm the queen. I want to be at my best for him, (physically, emotionally and spiritually) but also for me. It's a win-win situation.

Some women look great on the outside, but underneath their clothes (to save money or just out of laziness) they will wear underwear with holes, a bra being held up by a safety pin, or pantyhose with a runner. I don't do that. God, myself and Larry are the only ones that see what's underneath, but I happen to think God, myself and Larry are worth it. So I like to "feel pretty" right down to what's underneath. It matters and it doesn't cost that much extra to do, and it's worth it.

Ladies, just realize - you are worth it. Don't ask permission to take care of yourself...just do it.

Why you should have sex as much as possible

Adults, on average have sex 61 times a year - slightly more than once per week, according to University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center.

But get this... sexual activity is 25 percent to 300 percent GREATER for married couples versus the non-married, depending on age! Not surprisingly, the 1998 University of Chicago report that compiled available sex research also concluded that intercourse is more frequent among couples in happier marriages.

It didn't take a research paper to tell me that.

So, in this --the next installment in my "things I've learned" blog series, let me say that in 20 years of marriage, I've realized that things are much better when there's a lot of sex going on - especially good sex! As Larry and I teach in the marriage seminars we do, God doesn't just want you to have good sex, He wants you to have GREAT sex.

I have also always believed (and research also backs this up) that married couples have more satisfying sex than non-marrieds. Aside from spiritual reasons, the other reason for this is quite simple - the trust and familiarity factor you have with your marriage partner.

One thing I have learned in my marriage is that first of all, like anything - the proof of desire is in your pursuit. If you want a good marriage, you must pursue a good marriage. At the top of the list of things you must pursue in order to continue improve your marriage is a good sex life. Not just your first year of marriage - but every year of your marriage. Not just on special times away, but all the time. Not just when you feel like it, but when you don't.

Did you know that a study was done of the people who have lived the longest on the earth, (living over 100+ years each) and it was discovered that the one thing these people all had in common was a very active marital sex life into their 100's? Amazing! These people lived in Soviet Georgia and were pursuing active sex lives up until the very last days of their lives and it proved not only emotionally satisfying, but great for their health and longevity.

If you are going to continue to grow in your marriage, it requires continuing to grow as a sexual person. I have found that this does require work (especially in the busy years with your kids) however one bonus is that it's very FUN work! :-)

A wonderful author and pastor's wife, Kristy Dykes, shared the following poem (I believe she wrote it and I love it!):

"Mama's Nightgown"

This morning, Mama's smiling and humming
and her nightgown's inside out.
The boys are noisy,
the dog's barking,
she doesn't even shout.
And Papa? He's laughing
and dancing through the house,
'cause Mama's nightgown
is inside out.

So, I ask you...how long has it been since your nightgown has been turned inside out? If you're a married woman I hope you can say it's been a very short time.

You read in the beginning of this post that average adults have sex once a week, but that the percentage is higher for married couples. I believe for healthy married couples in really happy marriages, it's usually much more than once a week, dependent upon the couple's age. I believe unless there are health factors that prevent you from it, you should pursue sexual intimacy as much as possible. I won't go so far as to tell you the number, but Larry and I have a goal each week in mind for our marriage of times we want to connect sexually and we try to meet that goal each week by planning. Why? Because it's important to us. It doesn't take the "fun" out of the equation by planning, rather many times it heightens the excitement.

As I close out this post today I want to recommend a web site I love that has given me a lot of help and ideas in keeping the spark alive in my marriage. It's a Christian site and completely bibically based. It's http://www.themarriagebed.com/. They have a great message board. Get yourself a confidential screen name and post away! You'll get the biblical answer to just about anything about married sex that you are looking for. I've referred a lot of people to this site and without exception they all say, "I LOVE IT! WHY DID I NEVER HEAR ABOUT THIS BEFORE?" So let me be the first to tell you... if you haven't already heard. Kristie Dykes also shares some great insights at her blog.

By the way, did you ever wonder why some people get in such an uproar when we as Christians talk or teach about sex openly? I have several theories:

1) Sometimes it happens because you are dealing with people who simply aren't getting any sex. They are grouchy, or jealous. If you haven't had sex for a while, or at least good sex, you'd be mean too.

2) Sometimes it happens because they are simply from a generation who had it banged into their heads that this was something you just don't talk about. (Yet a lot of sin still went on under the covers and behind the scenes that was never addressed properly and people suffered silently, either trapped in sin as singles, or trapped in miserable marriages without getting any help.) As for Larry and I personally, we care too much about our people who are living everyday in a world of skyrocketing divorces, to stay quiet about a topic that affects their everyday lives so much just to please a few uncomfortable people.

3) Some people get upset because they don't want this being discussed with teens in the room. I'll do a whole other post on this upcoming but let me say that teens hear way more on this subject every day from other sources than they do at church, and it's high time the church speaks to the issue. They need to hear about it from a Godly perspective, and more than just "what to stay away from" - they need to learn what they have to look forward to in a Christian marriage if they will just do things in God's timing. We talk more about what they should stay away from than God's miraculous gift that they should prepare themselves for. Let me say, (knock on wood) so far for me this is working. Larry and I have talked to our three kids about sex (from the Bible's perspective) very openly, all their lives. So far, all three are very committed to purity.

4) Without exception it happens because Satan doesn't want it to be spoken of because he knows it's a serious matter of spiritual warfare. Read your Bibles. Sex is literally WAR. The Bible declares that we not withhold sex from our marriage partner unless we are in a special time of prayer/fasting and then to come together again quickly so as not to give the devil a foothold. The enemy knows the power of sexuality in marriage and he tries everything he can do to keep God's people clueless about it, to keep us repressed, to keep us QUIET and to keep pastors SILENCED. Pastors need to be declaring from their pulpits everywhere the value of married couples having great sex and having it as much as possible. And they need to see modeled an example of a couple in leadership who have a good, satisfying marriage.

We have a couple in our church right now who started attending Northside in the past few years under our ministry. Their first Sunday visiting, Larry and I were preaching a tag team message on marriage and Larry and I very candidly taught about sexuality in marriage. That very week when one of our staff pastors called the visitors to follow up, he said, "we will DEFINITELY be back this week again!' and the staff pastor said, "great! So I take it you enjoyed the service?" and the man said, "Yes...the pastor said the word sex from the pulpit! This is definitely the church for me!" They have been with us ever since and it all started from one very sermon where we dared to talk about a subject that just so happens to be on people's minds all week! We have also had the privilege as their pastors to see that particular couple grow and develop a very healthy, Godly marriage under our leadership.

A good pastor won't bow to any of the pressures of complainers. They will care more about the health of their people's marriages than cowing down to the pressures of those who are...

Grouchy and deprived...

Old and repressed (some might call it dignified, I call it repressed...)

Pawns in spiritual warfare

Yep, sex is war. I'm committed to do my part as a good little soldier. (Grin)

My pastoring partners podcast

Attention all pastor, pastor's wife and co-pastor friends who read this blog...

In addition to my website for pastoring partners, I've started a podcast. My first one is "Dealing with the Dearly Departed" and speaks to the pain we all deal with in rejection from church members at times.

You can find my podcast by going to http://www.pastoringpartners.mypodcast.com/.

Right there on the front page you will find the link to click to listen to the first podcast. This first one is only 18 minutes and I believe it will be a great blessing to you. You might want to download it and listen to it on your way to or home from work, or while you're cooking dinner or such.

Listen and...be blessed! Also, pass it on to any women in ministry you think would be blessed by it. Thank you!

You complete me???

Jerry: Hello. Hello. I'm looking for my wife.

[Dorothy looks up, robbed of words. Stunned, she does not move and looks quite apprehensive. ]

Jerry: Wait. Okay, okay. Okay. If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that? This used to be my specialty. You know, I was good in the living room. They'd send me in there, I'd do it alone. And now I just... I don't know. But tonight, our little project, our company, had a very big night. A very, very big night. But it wasn't complete, wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't hear your voice, or laugh about it with you. I missed my wife. We live in a cynical world, a cynical, cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You complete me.

Deanna: What a load of...

Does anyone who has been married for longer than a few minutes understand where I'm going with this?

One thing I've learned in 20 plus years of marriage is that not until a person comes to the point where they have found their absolute completeness in Christ are they able to live in a marriage satisfactorily. If you don't come into a marriage complete in Christ, you sure won't be happy in a marriage until you finally discover that and start living it.

I will confess, I was one of those women who got married thinking my husband was going to "complete me". I thought marriage was a problem solver. I was going to feel as if something -- a missing piece -- were added to my life that made all things right. I would no longer feel lonely, and have someone who would fill in all the "gaps" of my life. In the words of the great theologian Michael Jackson, I thought marriage would be summed up as,

"The way you make me feel...
you really turn me on...
you knock me off of my feet...
my lonely days are gone..."

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Our completeness is in Jesus Christ, period. And my lonely days were NOT gone until I realized that. I was a very lonely married woman at one time. So lonely, I wanted to die.

Colossians 2:9 & 10 says, "For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority."

Am I anti-marriage? Of course not. I love Larry with all my heart and I couldn't be more pro-marriage. However, only when I realized that my absolute identity needed to be IN CHRIST did I find true happiness.

We as women are notorious for feeling as if we need another human being to find our purpose. And in chasing this it's a never ending battle to find fufillment. When I stopped finding my worth as someone's girlfriend, someone's fiancee, someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's pastor's wife, someone's pastor, someone's friend, someone's _________________fill in the blank here, did I finally find contentment at last.

It's so difficult to get teenage girls to realize, they don't need to have a boyfriend to find worth, purpose, fulfillment, or satisfaction. The issue is, we Christian women counsel teen girls like this over and over again -- yet we think when we become women it's okay to find our worth in a man. It's no more appropriate for us to than for them.

We are only satisfied women when we come to the point where we recognize our absolute completeness in Him -- where we realize that in God, ONE is a whole number.

Why oh why do we think this is a good message for teen girls but not ourselves?

Some might ask, if this is true, then - why marriage? Why do we need a man in the first place?

First of all, to mature us. I've discovered that marriage is icing on the cake. I enjoy being with Larry. I enjoy my relationship with Him and I love all the benefits of marriage. But they do not complete me. More than anything, I think God gives us marriage to mature us. Marriage is an every day exercise in getting over yourself. If anyone wants to know what marriage is all about they need to realize it's the most humbling thing you'll ever successfully do. Marriage is being humbled by the same person, day in and day out every day for the rest of your life. It's an everday exercise in forgiveness. It's an everyday exercise in out-serving another person.

"You complete me..." It works in the movies...not in real life.

Just lovin' this DD cup!

I'm going to be posting the "things I've learned" (in 18 years of motherhood/20 years of marriage) over the coming weeks as promised. However I'll still blog from time to time during these weeks as far as what's happening in my day to day life. I wouldn't want to starve my readers of these precious and spell binding details. (SMILE)

The last 24 hours I've felt kinda sick. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant. But since Larry and I have both been "fixed" it would be a miracle of sorts. If I were pregnant I might have opportunity to be famous, being interviewed as to how such happened after two procedures pretty much guaranteeing that I wouldn't be.

Oh well. In any case, I've been nauseated and so tired I could barely function for about 24 hours. I also have a tooth hurting - I think I have a cavity or one of my fillings fell out, which I made an appt for, Friday, to see what's happening and get it fixed. At any rate, I slept most of the afternoon yesterday after church. Larry and Savanna stayed at church all day to get ready for the superbowl party. I went home with the boys and Casey and made us all a big lunch - baked chicken with vodka sauce (am I the only Christian who likes the stuff? No, not vodka, but the Italian vodka sauce -- I just get it store bought already made in a jar but it's good stuff), pasta, broccoli and some fresh cuban bread. Yum! After eating lunch I fell asleep for hours and Jordan had the hardest time waking me up for church. He ended up pulling all the covers off me (they know I HATE that!) and said, "Mom, you have to get up now!!!" My eyelids were so heavy. I just wanted to stay in bed forever. When he pulled the covers off me I said, "get over here and lay down. Now you made me cold!!!" He was irritated but he did it. So he lays there with me for two minutes with me clinging on to him to try to stay warm and then says, "Mom, I said you have to get up now. We have to get back to the church." He drove. I was too tired.

I came home and slept 11 hours and still didn't want to get up. I felt so bad. Took an Aleve to make it through the day at work. I don't know what's wrong with me. Hopefully this will subside after today. We went to Dunkin Donuts today, actually to get an ice cream at the Baskin Robbins that is also housed together with DD. Well, I saw their travel cup which I find adorable since it has DD on it. Those are my initials, with my maiden name but really I can still claim it now since I still go by Deanna Doss Shrodes as my full name. (I dropped my middle name and made my maiden name my middle name when we got married.) I wanted the cup and Larry went over and ordered me a coffee and got it for me.

I do not consider myself an overly materialistic person...I can sacrifice and do without especially when needed. However I will say honestly that little things in life really do give me an uplift and make me happy. That little cup has made me so happy today! I think it cost $6.99 but was the highlight of my day. It doesn't take thousands of dollars to make me happy. Some of the things that make me happiest in life are $3.00 earrings from Bealls Outlet, a $10.00 pair of shoes from Payless, a $1.00 Cafe Con Leche from LaTerasita. These things all make me smile.

Now I can add my DD cup to the things that make me smile. Larry says today, "how do you know people are going to think that stands for Dunkin Donuts or Deanna Doss and not think it's meant to signify your bra size?" I said, "well maybe they do think it's a bra size but who cares? They will just think the Lord really blessed me..." (ha ha!) You can tell we have some bizarre conversations if you haven't figured it out by now...

Important key in marriage: fun and spontaneity

Continuing on in my series of some things I've learned in 20 years, I'd like to make a case for continuing adventure.

When talking to engaged or newly married couples, it doesn't sound thrilling to advise them that marriage is work, but truly it is. Something many are surprised to find out is that you have to actually work on remembering to have fun. It seems sort of like an oxymoron but the thing is, admist bill paying and cleaning and running the kids here and there you do have to actually remind yourselves to have fun.

Teeb and I have been married for 20 years but it's nothing for us to have a wrestling match, or a tickle fight of all of sudden. We play a lot of very silly games that I sometimes wonder if we'll still actually do when we are 60...70...80?

One game is, "I have the upper hand." This all started well over 20 years ago. We would get into a debate about something and go back and forth, arguing our points. Mid-debate, one of us would think we won and say, "alright, I have the upper hand on this..." and we'd shoot our hand in the air. At one point, Lar did that and I jumped up and shot my hand up in the air and said, "no I have the upper hand!" and so he jumped up higher than me and stuck his hand above mine and said, "no I do" and we just kept going, trying to out jump each other. So we have gotten into debates before at night talking before going to sleep and I have even shot up out of bed and stuck my hand in the air and screamed, "I have the upper hand" to which Teeb will get out and do the same thing until both of us are jumping on the bed screaming, 'NO, NO, NO, I HAVE THE UPPER HAND!" In case you are wondering, none of that is serious, it's all a HUGE JOKE, but we have had a lot of fun with it over the years. That's just one of our many crazy things we do and then we start busting up laughing and sometimes I'm laughing so hard I'm crying or falling off the bed, the couch, or my chair depending on where we are.

Both of us are really competitive people. Sometimes this can get a lih-tle crazy! One time we were playing a board game with a bunch of couples at a friend's house and it was one of those "girls against the guys" games of pictionary. In saying our "guesses" out loud one of the ladies guessed correctly but our team didn't get the point because Larry said they couldn't hear her. Me being the competitive woman I am, from then on when I had a guess, I started screaming it so loud, the whole neighborhood could hear and encouraged my whole team to do so. The screaming of these ladies was so deafening, the guys were holding their ears and begged us to please stop because we were about to shatter some glass or at least give them a headache. I said, "fine then, give us the point back or we keep screaming our answers to guarantee that we are heard." (They did but not before we fell over in piles of laughter over it.)

Why do affairs seem so attractive to some people? Realize that things are seemingly so enchanting with the person they are having the affair with because they only do all the fun things with them. There is no bill paying, no late night feedings of a screaming newborn, no disciplining the kids, no carpools, no bathroom cleaning. No, it's just all fun and games. If they left their marriage for that person and then started to do all of the mundane things of life with them suddenly the relationship wouldn't seem so perfect anymore.

Teeb and I remind ourselves all the time to have fun and get a little crazy at times. We build it into our week, especially every Friday which is "fun Friday", our day off. And we don't confine fun to Fridays. We take advantage of every opportunity to do things together.

Fun has new meaning throughout your years together. Fun when we were in our late teens and twenties were concerts where our ears were ringing afterwards and we were tired from jumping up and down. We still enjoy concerts. However twenty years later, sometimes silence is fun. :-) After being a mother for 18 years and having lots of noise in the house and also being in ministry where the phone rings constantly and somebody is always tracking me down, fun is sometimes solitude. Larry and I have gone from two young people who fell in love and raced from rollercoaster to rollercoaster at amusement parks, to two 40-somethings who are content now to get a Coke and sit on a bench and talk to each other for a while or go see a show. It's not that we aren't adventurous anymore, however it has new meaning to us. Now that we have long work weeks and come home to more work, and a never ending list of responsibilities, we find joy in just laying on a beach blanket together and going to sleep with our toes in the sand. Rollercoasters are definitely not the pre-requisite for fun anymore.

The key is living outside the lines of our daytimer at times. It doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. My kids are now 18, almost 16 and 10. There are times Lar says, "hey let's go to a diner" in the middle of the night. It's nice because we've gotten to a point where our oldest is responsible and can take care of things at home. There are other times we wake up in the morning on Saturday and we had a full agenda of work to do and Larry says, hey - just pull on a t-shirt and shorts and let's go down to New York bagels and get a bagel and hot tea and talk for a while. So we put our work aside for an hour and we do.

Other times he buzzes me at the end of the day in my office and says, "hey, let's not clean out the garage like we planned to tonight. Let's go home and change clothes and watch a movie..." so we do. I forget about the messy garage. I put off the load of laundry I was going to do or the writing project I was going to start and save those for the next night. This is not always easy for me to do (mentally) because I'm a person who likes to get my work done. But I have to remember, my marriage is important work!

Sometimes it can be a crazy hour of the day or night and we decide to go take a long walk together...

get in the jacuzzi together....

get tickets to a concert...

go to the beach...

or simply join the other in the shower.

Whatever the case, it's important to keep the spontaneity and fun and games alive in a marriage. Allowing yourself to get to a point where you do chores and tasks and raising kids together and nothing else will absolutely kill a relationship. You have to remember to laugh, and put aside the work at times and enjoy some fun and relaxing moments together. Don't leave it to chance - the opportunity seldom if ever just presents itself on it's own.

My top 10 reasons children should take music lessons

1) It's a gift that they will use for a lifetime, even if they just play for their own enjoyment.

2) Research shows that kids who take music lessons do better in school.

3) Music gives kids a positive outlet particularly when they are angry or upset. I have always played in order to let off steam and now I notice, all of my kids do too. It's a positive way to prevent yourself from going postal.

4) Medical research confirms that music lessons help in the motor development - coordination of eye, hands and body.

5) Playing an instrument helps instill greater confidence.

6) It improves reading and writing skills.

7) Helps them to develop greater creativity.

8) Research shows that kids who take music lessons over a period of time become more confident with taking tests and solving problems.

9) It's a great blessing to their church.

10) Did I mention it's a great blessing to their church? (Seriously, read Friday's post to get the full scoop on this if you didn't already!)

When to start your child with music lessons

Yep, that's me, at left! Learning to play along with my Happy Goodman records...

Starting your children with music lessons is more than just finding a teacher, buying books and plunking down a wad of money every month. Music lessons begins the moment your child is born. Just like you read to them when they are babies before they ever know any letters in the alphabet or even know what a book is, so musical training starts when they are babies.

You teach them by exposing them to a variety of music, by filling your home, your car, your world with music. And,for Christians, I believe having them in worship service every time the doors are open to be a must. Church music, and "learning to play for church" is a world all unto it's own, so having your kids in this environment early on is essential. I learned to play well for altar time and flow well in that atmosphere simply because first of all, I was raised in it. I will take a person who plays this way - primarily by ear or flow - in the church, versus anyone who is simply classically trained because learning to play for church is all about learning to flow, but that's another subject for another day. Okay, when, when, when is our topic today...

Music lessons start as you rock your children to sleep and sing to them. My children still remember the songs I sang to them. Savanna remembers a lullaby song I always sang to her (that I wrote) called, "Mommy's happy girl". Jordan remembers being sick at Christmas one year, and I rocked him to sleep singing, "We Three Kings." Kids never forget and hold these kind of things dear in their storehouse of memories. Sometimes my kids even ask me for a command performance. They wouldn't want to admit it to most (but the kids don't read my blog so I'll tell you) that at times they'll still sit on my lap and I sing to them.

I first learned to play the piano listening to Happy Goodman Family records. My parents played them all the time. When I was a little girl, Vestal Goodman was my hero. I still remember as a little tiny girl getting up in front of the church singing, "I wouldn't take nothin' for my journey now". I would sit and play my little keyboard right along with Goodman records and people would comment how good I would do, playing right along with the music by ear. "How does she do that?" people would say.

My parents got a piano, signed me up for lessons and everything I was hearing in my head became easier for me to play as I actually had a teacher show me the fundamentals. At that point, it seemed like music just exploded out of me. Pretty much all I would have to do is hear a song once and I could go play the entire thing or even play a song as someone began singing it (without every hearing it first) just feeling where they are headed. If you have a child who shows a potential to play by ear, I really encourage you to get them lessons right away because I've seen the same thing happen many times in others who are gifted the same way. It will just come pouring out of them, as they learn just a few fundamentals.

I believe children need to be at an age where they are able to (for the most part) sit still for the time needed for lessons. I realize some parents would say, "well then mine will never be ready!...", especially if they are boys. Of course, what I mean by this not sitting perfectly still, but having the attention span to make it through a 30 minute lesson. Some people are overly zealous parents who begin their child on piano lessons at two and three years old and quite frankly I think that is unrealistic and unfair to expect a toddler to endure sitting on a bench attentively for a 30 minute lesson. At this stage, I think it's appropriate to teach them short songs and sing with them and perhaps get them a keyboard to experiment with. This is the time when they need to learn how FUN music is, not be tortured by having to sit still for half an hour.

Most people start their children in music lessons during the elementary school years. Kids retain so much during that time and their learning curve is simply amazing. Dustin started guitar at 8 years old and a professional guitarist told me that in his opinion, that was prime time to start. I personally believe the years of 8-12 are just prime time for learning an instrument. But, please -- don't think it's EVER too late! In fact, consider this...

Some of the best learners are teenagers who are motivated. Now, if your child is a teenager and has had no musical training and doesn't want any, he or she probably won't learn much. However, if they have an INTEREST, it is definitely NOT too late. Motivated teens are one of the biggest sources of energy and creativity on the planet! Just look at how fast they learn video games, computer codes, html, among many other things. Motivated teens are absolutely changing the world. And they can easily learn an instrument!

Realize that MOTIVATED children will catch up. Let's say your child starts playing the trumpet at age 8 but hates it. He only plays it because you forced him to choose the trumpet, but his passion is truly the guitar. If he switches to the guitar at age 10, he will catch up with those who are already taking lessons with the guitar, due to his motivation. So the quicker you get him where he will be motivated, the better.

For the motivated, it is never too late to start music lessons. If you are 42 years old now and say, "I wish I would have had lessons..." if you are motivated, it's not too late to start. Children do learn anything quicker, however, motivated people have the ability to learn anything. Just look at adult missionaries who go to language school to learn a brand new language to go to their field. They might be middle age, but they are MOTIVATED, and motivation makes all the difference.

At whatever age your child is at, find out what instrument they are interested in and then let his or her motivation carry them in learning to play their instrument.

"Things I've learned" series

Welcome to February!

This month in the church Larry and I are doing a series on receiving increase in your marriage, family and relationships. The music lesson post I started today got me to thinking about doing a series of posts as to a few things I have learned in 20 years of marriage and 18 years of parenting. The next few days I'm going to do a few more posts relating to music lessons for kids and then proceed on with a blog series on the topic of "things I've learned in 20 years..." Enjoy!

All parents need to think about this

In this post I'd like to talk to parents out there about something I feel strongly about, and that is the topic of music lessons for your children. Wait! I'm not trying to sell anything! No, I'm not offering a kit with three easy steps to playing the keyboard for church. So, please don't tune me out - pardon the pun.

I believe one of the greatest gifts parents can give their child, their church, and the body of Christ at large is to invest in music lessons for their children.

When my boys were little they wanted to play sports. And, we allowed them to. My husband was very involved in not only signing them up and supporting them in football and baseball leagues, but he was a coach for their teams. He made this a priority even though he was (and still is) a very busy pastor. However, I had a talk with Larry back then when the kids were little and said that I felt strongly that they needed to take music lessons of some kind, in addition. I personally believe although sports teaches you concepts and lessons you will retain for a lifetime, most 50 and 60 year olds, at least ones I know, are not playing football. However, those who are musical typically use their gifts for a lifetime.

The boys were encouraged to choose their instrument. Jordan chose the drums, and Dustin chose the guitar. So far Savanna has chosen the keyboard. I give her lessons right now but we are getting ready to switch her over to someone else who can teach her a lot more than I can. Yes, I know that I play well for church, however I have horrible habits! I'm more of a by ear player than anything, since I learned more by playing to Happy Goodman records as a child than I did from my lessons!

I have found there to be a shortage of musicians in the majority of churches. Yes I know there are mega churches that have 10 piano players a piece. I'm not talking about those churches. Statistics tell us that the majority of churches in America are 70 people and under in attendance. Most don't have even two piano players, or guitar players, or even two worship leaders. Most are "praying in someone" who can help their church in this vital area and consider it a miracle up there with the parting of the Red Sea when somebody comes in.


For those parents who are reading this who have children who have talked about going into any aspect of full time ministry, let me say that it is doubly important, in my opinion, that you make an investment of music lessons for your child. When you give them music lessons, you are investing in your future pastor/missionary/evangelist. One of the biggest things you are giving them is the gift of flexibility in their ministry, and in reality, you take what is for many, a very real fear away...

When a minister or their spouse possesses the ability to play an instrument it realeases what can be a very big anxiety. I have many friends who pastors churches and neither they nor their spouse have any musical abilities. Many people have joked in times past about "finding a wife who plays the piano" or such but in reality there is a shred of truth to this. If a pastor or a spouse has musical ability, it is a major plus. With most of my ministry friends who have no musical skills in the family, during times in their ministry they have lived in fear that a piano player or a guitar player was going to leave the church. They sometimes make bad decisions based on their fear.

The invention of split track CD's have lessened this anxiety for many pastors in that a lot of churches are now using these to do worship in the absence of any musicians. That's a great alternative that wasn't available years ago. I regret to say I have friends who have groveled in front of prima donna piano players with major attitudes who pretty much needed a spiritual spanking rather than a session of begging and pleading. But if you are a minister who plays an instrument and can step in and fill in the gap when needed, (if you don't want to use the CD's) it's not an issue. You just do what you need to do at the time. You make better decisions because you know you already have what it takes to do an entire service by yourself in the event that you need to. Many times in my life, I have needed to. I don't know what we would have done, had I not been able to help in this aspect of our ministry. All of my piano playing pastor's wife friends agree with me on this. Larry often says that due to my gifts, he has never found himself in the position some of his friends have been in of "bowing down to a keyboard player" instead of doing God's will for the church. Many (clueless) people might say, "why not just hire someone?" Did you not just hear me say that the majority of churches in America are 70 and under in attendance? This is not an option for most.

I have visited some churches with very strong music ministries and have noticed that in these churches a lot of the children are taking music lessons and starting to use their gifts at an early age in the church. I really encourage this. Both of my boys have played in the church from the time they were very young. Their gifts were not fully developed by any means (and they are still learning and growing), but they just learned "on the job." I have encouraged this not just with my boys, but with anyone's children in the churches we have served who show an interest in the music ministry. In our previous church I started mentoring our drummer when he was 13. He served as our drummer my entire 8 years in that church and by the time we left to pastor in Florida he was an incredible player.


This past week two separate visitors came up to me after church and commented, "someone told me those are your kids up there" (pointing to the platform). I said, "yes, that's true!" and they both went on to tell me how amazed they were. One asked, "how did this happen?" I said, "well, it's simply like this...I had these kids, put them in music lessons, gave them some doses of encouragement, had them at the church every time the doors were open, and got them involved in church ministries. It's that simple. And every parent can do this if they want to. It's not a matter of being the pastor or the pastor's kid. Believe me, please, please believe me. Those of you reading this who are church members - not ministers...if you do what I just suggested, just watch your pastor's face light up! If someone comes to me and says, "Pastor Deanna, I'm putting my kids in music lessons. I'm encouraging them. My goal is to have them here every time the doors are open, and I want to get them as involved as possible in church music..." Well, truthfully, you'd have to hold me back from either kissing their feet or letting out a huge whooooppp the whole neighborhood would hear!!!!!!! (SMILE)


Not only would all of these children's participation in the music ministries be a huge blessing to the church, but this is a gift they themselves will enjoy using their whole lives. Your child will never be mad at you when they are grown for investing in them this way. They will only thank you. My advice is to let them pick an instrument they have interest in and have a passion for. Then let them run with it. Truthfully, I would have loved it if either of my boys played the piano, however their interest as little boys was drums and guitar. So I allowed them to choose their passion and they have flourished. (Right now Dustin has a passion for piano too and he's teaching himself.)

Quite honestly I'm hoping in a few years that Savanna will take my place on the piano bench. Nothing would make me happier!

I for one believe it's important that we raise up this next generation of singers, players and worship leaders. I'm going my part and I hope all of you parents reading this will prayerfully consider doing the same.


The next few days I am going to post on this topic and give helps for people who are interested. And, if you're not interested, perhaps someone in your church or your family would be, so be sure to pass on the link to them.

Today's Meme

I got this meme from my friend Pastor Tara's blog. It's fun Friday so today I have the day off and I'm writing, working out, and just having fun in general with the Teeb. Alright, here we go:

If you could have a servant come to your house every day for one hour, what would you have them do?

I'd have them clean both of my bathrooms. It would take at least an hour to get both of them as clean as I like them.

Has your life ever been changed by an apparently random occurrence?

I don't really believe in "apparently random occurrences" - I think everything happens by design, but I would say that there were things that when they happened, I thought they were "out of the blue" but ended up to be some of the most significant things in my life. For instance, when I had my first conversation with Dr. Bill Kuert on the phone about Kenya, I had NO IDEA it would change my entire life like it has. I had no idea that conversation was coming, had never met him or his wife before, and one phone call pretty much changed everything in how I now view the world.

You're having dinner with several friends and acquaintances. They all criticize a close friend of yours (not knowing he/she is a friend). The criticism is unjustified. What would you do?

This has happened to me many times before. I'm an intense loyalist. It wouldn't matter to me whether the criticism is justified or unjustified - if someone is truly my close friend I would stand by them. I think loyalty is one of the most important things in a close relationship. It's right up there next to honesty. This isn't that I never ever criticize anyone. It would be dishonest of me to say that I never criticize. If someone is not my close friend I may criticize, especially in conversation with those who are my close friends. But if someone is my close friend, I will stand by them. If someone would start a negative conversation about them I would quickly say, "Um, hey - so and so is my VERY good friend" and then I'd defend them or just ask the person talking to stop. Although I may not agree with whatever it was they did (and would tell my close friend that privately), I would stand by them when it came to other people. By the same token, I expect the same out of my 'close friends' and if it doesn't happen they usually aren't my "close friend" for long. They would quickly be relegated to the acquaintance list. :-)

My all time favorite American Idol Audition!

Hysterical...so hysterical. But actually, even though he's a terrible singer, there's something about this guy that I find very appealing. No, not as a singer, but as a person in general. He seems to be a very kind person. I have to confess although I would not exactly sign him up to be a singer in our choir...I would love to have him as a Northsider. He just seems so incredibly sweet and handles the rejection of the judges very well.

Awesome report about Kenya

I woke up this morning to get this report in the news about Kenya. It's an awesome story of the power of prayer, and through children taking the lead and interceding together . (And a child shall lead them...)

Obviously Kenya is not out of the woods yet, and there are thousands of people displaced and seeking shelter and such but I thought in the midst of all of it, this was an incredible report of faith, hope and miracles. So please check it out.

Thank you Jesus, for answering prayer...for a place and a people that is so dear to my heart.